A Butterfly Among the Weeds

[jajdude]

To me you seem somehow a dream
Locked in mystery and caprice,
A butterfly among the weeds
That seeks release yet finds no peace

You flutter from whim to whim
And meet each one halfway,
Never sure what you're looking for,
Trapped in shades of gray

My heart was with you once,
But now all that has gone;
Still a residue remains
With wishes to move on

[MystyrMystyry]

Not sure about the sentiment here - as though someone had entranced you but you grew sick of them when they didn't live up to your expectations

If you dropped that crap, then it could be quite excellent, because who wouldn't read it and identify with the butterfly (as distinct from the weeds)

But as it is you're saying 'you're not good enough for me!' in which case it should be the butterfly telling you to piss off

[yuka]

a beautiful piece with somewhat melancholy tune
wish the butterfly can find her peace.

[jajdude]

Thanks for replies. Surprised at yours MM, reading it that way. I forgot a lot of the words to the original poem actually, written many years ago, about someone I was obsessed with, an unrequited interest, and not a healthy one anyway. Odd though the residue remains some 20 years later, along with many other residues no doubt. Suppose it sounds good to drop all those, but they are part of us all.

[MystyrMystyry]

I read it about 15 times before posting and not once did it read like a (distant) past infatuation - and now that you've filled in the gaps it still doesn't other than I now have a background

I know that what I wrote must sound hypercritical to you but that's the impression I received - though perhaps if you were to add another stanza to make it clear and convey it better..?

[MorpheusSandman]

Actually, MM, I think it's impossible to simply read this as being a poem about a butterfly; it's clearly a relationship metaphor, and while one can feel sympathy for the butterfly I don't think that must necessarily inspire a rejection of the speaker. I think the underlying idea here is that sometimes two people are just incompatible. You may be obsessed with someone, yet later find their 'butterfly tendencies' just doesn't make for a lasting relationship. I don't think there's any hint here of the speaker playing the blame game; more like s/he's trying to work out just what went wrong.

I rather like it, jajdude. It's an elegantly simple piece, and I like your unobtrusive use of form and end-rhymes.

[Delta40]

I did think of the micro wing cells as a metaphor for the lingering effect of a relationship past.

[_Paul]

I liked it. I interpreted as an obsession with a woman who seemed to be too good for this world. I especially liked the "Trapped in shades of grey", the thought of a colorful butterfly amidst such a drab setting really emphasized her difference.

[jajdude]

Thanks again for the comments all. Indeed it is sort of an incomplete and rushed version of what it used to be, but I wrote the damn thing in 1993 I think. I recalled part of it yesterday for some reason and added other stuff. Anyway, so it stands, for now.

[jajdude]

Just noticed this line:

That seek release yet finds no peace

should be seeks

[Bar22do]

Very nice, I like it all except the ending which I'd prefer stronger. But your poem's metaphoric atmosphere is wonderfully rendered! Thanks! Bar

[jajdude]

Thanks Bar. I don't have much poetry in me any more. The last lines were hurried and imprecise. Isn't life like that?

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's hard not to read some metaphorical element in this one, jajdude.

Line 5 caught me out at first, as I expected it to have an extra stress to match the rhythm you established in the first stanza, but perhaps it reflects the 'whim' of the butterfly? The cadence of the piece slows with each stanza as well, which is well achieved.

Do you know Wordsworth's To a Butterfly (http://www.wordsworth.org.uk/poetry/index.asp?pageid=345)?

[PrinceMyshkin]

For me the first two stanzas work well enough (though I thought the shades of gray rhyme was a bit predictable) but there's an abrupt switch in stanza 3 from the butterfly to the onlooker. I didn't feel finished with the butterfly yet, and your ambivalence about him was sufficiently implied in the earlier metaphors.

[jajdude]

Thanks for commenting blank and prince. I know it is shoddy, sort of. But so is life.