A Beautiful Evening..... Now a Breeze

[Wendy M]

Can feel evening sun on my face
Sitting here, with my head buried
In a poetry book, glass of red wine
In my other hand, oh what bliss!

Blue sky, a little overcast from rain
Earlier, what more could one ask for
On a spring evening, so warm, calm,
Peaceful moments, taking in all that

Enthrals; the words; how precious is
The beauty of Poetry, when sat in a
Pensive mood, losing one’s self in the
Shadows of the sun; smell of blossom

I look up and see a double rainbow!
How beautiful the colours, so vibrant
So beautiful, something unique that
Comes from a little light rain; droplets

Of water falling, like heavenly tears,
Refracts with the brightest of sun;
Moments alone like this, butterflies
In the garden, late April; timeless are

Evenings, in such splendour, sipping
Wine! I put my book on my lap and close
My eyes; take in the tranquillity, dream
Of times spent in the summer in France

Visual of mountains, glaciers glistening
In the distance; I can’t help but feel a
Little melancholy; but my eye’s open up
To a beautiful evening, now a breeze.

[Jerrybaldy]

I felt sure I was sat by your side and damn that chilly breeze.

[Wendy M]

I am pleased you liked it
Thank you Jerrybaldy :)

[MorpheusSandman]

What I love here is that romantic feeling you capture of sitting outside, reading poetry, and taking in nature. It's one of my absolute favorite pastimes, and there's nothing quite like reading great poetry in impressionistic weather, be it sun or rain, spring or fall. There definitely is something incredibly magical about it. That said, I think this piece could use with some cleaning up. There are some rather cheesy bits, like "oh what bliss!", "how precious is the beauty of poetry", and cliches like "what more could one ask for", etc. Basically, try to remove the parts that tell rather than show. Now, there are times in poetry where it's appropriate to tell (Chaucer and Donne are two masters of telling), but here it mixes uneasy with the images and the aesthetic they create. There are so many moments here where you perfectly capture the feeling behind what you're describing, and these "telling" moments take us out of the scene and interrupt the flow. I think those last three stanzas are the strongest.

[Wendy M]

Hello MorpheusSandman

Thank you for you indepth comment, much appreciated indeed! Well as an update it has been edited, reduced in those 'cheesy!' cliches, and it is being published. So I believe the editor thought it worthy, which is very pleasing! Thank you and I agree the last three are probably the strongest! We, each individual reader make are own analysis and review of what we feel is the best of a poem, same as viewing Art, we all have our own theory, but your comments will be great advice for my future writings of poems, and much appreciated.

[Delta40]

The poem stretches the imagination of possibilities associated with a beautiful evening, yet they never quite leave their own backyard. Very nice.

[Wendy M]

Hello Delta40..I guess if you write from within the heart, it brings out wonderful possibilites in the imagination. Yes I guess sometimes they tend to stay within the setting, not always. Thank you so kindly for your kind comments, much appreciated :)

[blank|verse]

I think this is the stronger of the two poems you've posted, Wendy, and sense there's more than a element of Wordsworth here.

The phrase 'when sat in a | Pensive mood' takes us back to 'I wandered lonely as a Cloud': 'For oft, when on my couch I lie | In vacant or in pensive mood'; the butterflies, rainbow(s), and garden all evoke Wordsworth as well.

I wasn't sure what form you're using here; it seems you're writing in free verse but breaking each line just at the point closest to the previous one, to make it look regular, but I could be wrong. This does give some odd, awkward moments though, like this stanza break:

In the garden, late April; timeless are

Evenings, in such splendour, sipping
that work against the images you're presenting, which are very peaceful and tranquil. This break is quite abrupt and spoils the rhythm and flow of the poem, and I think is something to be aware of in future if you're writing on a similar subject. But that aside, a very pleasant piece.

[Wendy M]

Hello Blan/verse...

Thank you so much for your wonderfully constructive and fair comment, very great advice and glad you pointed this out about the 'stanza break'....as you pasted and suggested....

Since this post was shown here, it has been edited and those you speak of corrected, poem has been shortened, without two verses, and was accepted for publishing, I could show you in private message, but copyright forbids showing openly here.

Again, thank you your criticisms are very much appreciated indeed :)