Death Volley

[Vignette]

Your game
My love
Your blade
My lust
Your breath
My life
Your promise
My trust

Your lies
My anger
Your touch
My pain
Your kiss
My angst
Your truth
My shame

[Delta40]

very effective - with no net to stop it!

[Vignette]

Delta, thank you for your comment - I was iffy on this one.

[Jerrybaldy]

Good title. After reading it a couple of times I felt there was greater drama in S1 and thought it should swap with S2

[Vignette]

Jerry, thank you for your comments. I was trying to portray a relationship from beginning to end, so I couldn't really swap the stanzas since the death of the relationship would precede the beginning. Although I've had a couple of relationships I wish would have died like that! Lol

[deryk]

There's a lot of nice symmetry to be had here. As simple as it is, I like the form a lot.

[Vignette]

Thank you, Deryk - I appreciate your comments.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's a bit abstract but I like the breathlessness of it. It does indeed feel like a relationship from beginning to end.

[Vignette]

Thank you, MS, for reading and commenting - I appreciate it.

[AuntShecky]

Robert Frost once famously remarked that writing free verse is like playing tennis without a net, and here's a verse that takes it literally. It is, nevertheless, admirable to try to compose a verse that "does" what it says --in which form and content are inextricable.

There are two weakness--first, the rhyme scheme is uneven, and the rhymes themselves a little tired. Slant rhymes, such as "anger" and "angst," work better, even those these words are more concepts than images that we can see, hear, touch, smell.

The main flaw that detracts from the quality of this verse is, like so many "love" poems, its dependence on abstractions. In most cases, the more specific the imagery, the better the poem. If you have time, read this
article by Walt MacDonald,"Advice I Wish I'd Been Told." (http://wwwstage.valpo.edu/english/vpr/mcdonaldessay.html)

[JaneMarie]

I think that at times abstraction is helpful in a poem, as it is in this one. I think that abstraction helps a poem to be more universal. This poem is in regards to the cycle of a relationship. I think that the "abstract text" helps to emphasize the religion of the cycle through it's general familiarity.

In other words I think this works becuase it is honest and writen in a way that allows the reader to reflect apon personal experience. It feels like you are telling the reader here because there is no reason for you to show. The reader knows the feeling already.

Edit: in rereading I have to admit I do not quite understand the title's relevance to the poem itself.

[Vignette]

AuntShecky - thank you for your thoughts! Writing is a new passion of mine, but I have so much to learn. I read the article by Walt McDonald and found it very informative! I have a better understanding now about abstractions, and will try to avoid them in the future. Thank you for directing me to the article.

JaneMarie - yes, I had assumed the reader would know the feelings - but after reading the article that AuntShecky suggested, I think it's too abstract. Although I'm not sure how I would have gotten around that issue with this one.

I chose this title because I wanted to convey a sense of volleying between partners, or maybe more like cause and effect now that I think about it, as well as a death of a relationship.

Thank you for reading and commenting - I appreciate your thoughts.