Morning

[Hawkman]

A new day, bright with caustic promise
dawns too early for the soul’s repose.
The mind, blind to thought,
turns over automatically,
listless, with no gears engaged,
and hums the static of white noise
behind those screaming eyes.

Why not hibernate? Descend,
deep into the well of longing far below
to where the bucket dangles,
dripping fluid through wormholes.
Don’t get up, don’t think,
just pull the bedclothes overhead
to block the sun, then sink.

[Delta40]

Oh I so want to do this at 5.21 am! what a lovely image

[Vignette]

This is how I felt this morning! Hibernating would have made my day. :-)

[IceM]

Well written.

I feel like, by removing caustic and adding a word emphasizing daily promise, the poem would be more effective, as it'd satire those who lose opportunity through indulgent hibernation. I appreciate it as is. I just think that change might create more thought.

[Hawkman]

Delta & Vignette: thanks to you both, glad you enjoyed it :)

IceM: I guess you're a glass half full kind of guy! I think there is sufficient food for thought available as is, just in spheres you habitually avoid :D thanks for reading and commenting.

Live and be well - H

[MorpheusSandman]

While this isn't one of my favorites from you, Hawk, I do think it gives a sense of those days when you wake up and your body and mind just don't want to function at all. Although, I think there's something awkward about the speaker's voice; as if the rhythm and diction doesn't quite match the condition it's depicting. Although I did like the "deep into the well" line, as it can be read with as a dactyl and iambs that gives a sense of falling.

[Hawkman]

Hi Morpheus. I think that you can read it as 3rd person narration, so it becomes a comment on another's anti-ephiphany :D Anyway, I won't complain because you don't think everything I've written is your favourite :) I'm just greatful that you read it and took the trouble to tell me so... Thanks for reading and commenting.

Via con Dios H

[blank|verse]

I think there's something awkward about the speaker's voice; as if the rhythm and diction doesn't quite match the condition it's depicting.
I think this is a decent effort, Hawk, with some arresting images, but am in some agreement with Morpheus. I wasn't keen on 'the soul's repose' - it's a rather archaic phrase; and others perhaps make things a bit too descriptive for a narrator not really keen on being awake. Also, there are a few sub-ordinate clauses in the first stanza, something usually associated with being more thoughtful. Perhaps keeping things simple would work more effectively.

(And should this line be 'hums with the static'?)

and hums the static of white noise
Have you read John Donne's The Sun Rising (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2009/oct/05/john-donne-the-sun-rising)? The final three lines of your poem in particular remind me of the opening image of Donne's.

[AuntShecky]

You may not know this, but this posting is an example of a sub-genre of lyric poetry -- the alba (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/alba). The alba is verse whose subject matter is a speaker's reluctance to rise in the morning (and thus leave his or her lover.) It's more of a European convention rather than English or American, but Allen Ginsberg wrote an alba. (http://www.nbu.bg/webs/amb/american/5/ginsberg/alba.htm)

Your verse is humorous in tone but another thing going for it is its audio appeal. Aside from the meaning, notice how the soft sounds of some words (m's and s's) contrast with the hard consonants of others-- the conflict with wanting to remain in bed rather than rejoin the workaday world--caustic," "listless," "hums," "screaming," "dangles,"
"wormhole" and "sink."

There's quite a bit of goodness packed into this one little poem.

[MorpheusSandman]

You may not know this, but this posting is an example of a poetic form -- the alba (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/alba). I always heard it referred to as an aubade; is there any difference. Also, I don't think it's so much of a form as it is a genre.

[Wendy M]

I felt it read nicely....nice work :)

[Hawkman]

b/v Auntie & Wendy M: Sorry, I seem to have overlooked your responses to this poem and I herewith correct my oversight. b/v, As I responded to Morpheus, there is no direct first person narration indicated within the poem and there is not one possessive personal pronoun. It was envisaged as third person narration, a comment on the subject's reluctance to wake and get up, distilled through the speculation of a third party observing the subject. Personally, I didn't feel the need to spell this out and feel the concept works comfortably as written, though I accept that subjective responses may vary.

When it comes to "hums the static of white noise" the way it is written indicates that the mind deliberately hums the white noise. Your suggestion of "with the static of white noise", for me at least, implies that the source of the static is involantary. I intended it as the sort of mental equivalent of a child sticking his fingers in his ears screwing his eyes tight shut and chanting, "Nah nah, na-nah, nah", to avoid seeing and hearing.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for the link. Your comments are always welcome.

Hi Auntie, well, I might be inclined to agree with Morpheus' response about it being a genre rather than a form, and as my subject appears to be alone in his/her bed, does it really qualify? :D Still I'm pleased that you enjoyed the sound of it and found it to your taste. Thanks for reading and for commenting.

Wendy M, thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

Live and be well - H

[Wendy M]

Ahaha your welcome! beleive me I do the same thing overlook things, but then I need glasses!! :)

[AuntShecky]

.

Hi Auntie, well, I might be inclined to agree with Morpheus' response about it being a genre rather than a form, and as my subject appears to be alone in his/her bed, does it really qualify? :D Still I'm pleased that you enjoyed the sound of it and found it to your taste. Thanks for reading and for commenting.

- H

Hi Hawk, The original Alba (from Provencal troubadors)apparently refers to a lover who, if not actually physically present, his or her presence is implied. (When I first read about this sub-genre I thought of the balcony scene in R&J with the lines about their not wanting morning to come.)

As adapted to our language, I think you can use the term for any early morning poem, like an "aubade." Allen G. calls his poem an "alba," but the speaker doesn't directly refer to a lover. There is an alarm, though, and he doesn't want to go to work.

So I think your version is closer to Allen G.'s than
one from the troubadors.

[Hawkman]

Wendy M: you and me both!

Auntie: as soon as you mentioned it I also thought of the morning scene from R &J. However, I think you might have been thinking Provancal rather than Portugese :D

Incidentally, have you ever heard any of the 12th Cent. Languedoc Troubador pieces in the Occitan language? They are memorable, if sadly incomprehensible (except to specialist scholars)! Not a fan of Ginsberg I'm afraid but I was unable to follow the link as it seems to be broken, but thanks anyway. LLAP -H

[AuntShecky]

It worked when I clicked it. I hope it works now. Good images in this Ginsberg poem (anti-corporate satire as in Henry Miller's Tropic of Capricorn:

http://www.nbu.bg/webs/amb/american/5/ginsberg/alba.htm

"Sub-genre" rather than "form" is right.
Occitan (Provencal) is right as well. When I read the example on the wiki thikie it was Catalan, which looked more like Spanish or Portuguese than le francais on the screen.

[Hawkman]

Yup! that worked, and I actually rather liked it :) Thanks again Auntie.

Live and be well - H

[Verdaguer]

I always heard it referred to as an aubade; is there any difference.

Alba simply means 'dawn'. It actually makes more sense to add the -ada ending to the word, so albada (in French, aubade) is a more natural way of referring to these compositions made at dawn. This is the general meaning, and they were common in Pyrenean areas (whether Occitan, Catalan or Aragonese), from where I guess they spread into France (aubade) and Iberia (alborada, in Spanish). In a way, it could be compared to serenades (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenade).

As for a more specific use of the term in the Catalan tradition, I translate a fragment from the Catalan Encyclopaedia:


Piece of vocal or instrumental music performed at night or in the early morning, in the street, in front of or beneath the window of someone whom the singer wants to honour or woo.

Very popular in the Catalan-speaking area, albades are usually made in the eves of major local festivals or other special solemn celebrations. In the southern towns of Catalonia and specially in the Land of Valencia, they achieved a higher popularity. They consisted of corrandes (short usually improvised folk songs), performed either by one person or a group, with an accompaniment of Catalan shawms (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catalan_shawm) and tabors.

A painting by Picasso called Albada:


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3152/2575595241_26aa1dfc79.jpg

[Jack of Hearts]

You've proven yourself repeatedly to be a poet's poet.





J

[everyadventure]

Fantastic! Why NOT hibernate? "hums the static of white noise" was a good image, and I liked the poem's end rhyme. Nicely done.

[Hawkman]

Sorry for not replying earlier but I've been away.

Verdaguer: Thanks for your elucidating post.

Jack: How did I do that? :D Is my slip showing? lol

ea: Thankee kindly, glad you enjoyed it.

Live and be well - H