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MystyrMystyry
04-26-2011, 08:05 AM
Phantom Icecream Company [established 1949]


Hush of doom descends with the mid-midnight mist

Rambling old bolt bucket from a forgotten age

13 o'clock and all's ill - uh oh it begins to roar

Disrupts without warning as it bursts into rage

Engine rattling windows - clanganging the broken bell

Ring-ringing out to rouse the dead

Household poltergeists excited grow

Sleepers stir in their slumbers - put pillows over their head

Greensleeves twisting from the tinny transistor

Homes and tombstones begin to shake

Icecream and choc sauce in a cone with nuts

Serving at the cemetery - skeletons to wake

It rumbles on around the neighborhood

Parks outside your place as the streetlamps dim

Cutlery and crockery fly around the kitchen

Pots, pans crash - cupboard, fridge, oven doors slam

All your ghosts come out of the woodwork

To grab their unheavenly treats

There'll be sticky froth all over the furniture

When they've finished the dessert feast

You'll try everything to clean it up

But it won't be plasma residue

You'll be hard-pressed to guess exactly what it is

It'll be Phantom Icecream - or at least the goo

Everything else you'll put down to house settling

Vaguely remember those bumps you feel nightly

Never to realise what you think you hear

Is caused by a friendly visit from Mr Frightly



.

Delta40
04-26-2011, 05:25 PM
I think some of the end rhymes are a bit bumpy MM

skeletons to wake

and I know the meter is out but yet another spine tingling rhyme to tell the kiddies before they go to bed!

MystyrMystyry
04-26-2011, 06:33 PM
Why cannot it be free verse that happens to have rhymes?

Why did you single out skeletons to wake? Because of the rhyme?

Why do you criticise the metre?


Please explain?

Delta40
04-26-2011, 06:40 PM
I'm soooo sorry! skeletons to wake doesn't make sense to me and I think it interrupts the flow.

there is no consistent tempo to the rhymes

Engine rattling windows - clanganging the broken bell
Ring-ringing out to rouse the dead
Household poltergeists excited grow (excited grow doesn't feel right either)
Sleepers stir in their slumbers - put pillows over their head

L2 and L4 don't gel rhythmically.

MorpheusSandman
04-27-2011, 03:30 AM
Yeah, Delta has a point about the end-rhymes. When you use end-rhymes it's usually essential to maintain meter between the rhymed lines. If not, then the rhythm grates as it delays or advances too fast the expectation of the rhyme in the reader's mind. That said, I think this is great, content wise. You have such a strong sense of narrative and I rather see most of your pieces as short stories that just happen to be in a poetic format. The concept of relating ghostly ectoplasm to ice cream is really original, and I love how you orchestrate the rising and business of the ghosts in general.

MystyrMystyry
05-11-2011, 07:08 PM
It's free verse with rhymes