A first attempt - Misses Topfire finds a child

[JungleDuck]

Hello all, this is the first part of a first draft that I sat down and wrote just now. I've not really done much writing, and I've certainly never shared it with anyone! Would love any thoughts and tips. Cheers



Misses Topfire finds a child

Misses Topfire was a well to do lady whose husband had done well enough over the year to earn a reputable status, and amass a small pile of gold. Just yesterday, she had taken the bold step of buying a small safe and having it fitted in another small room dug out in their kish especially, and which had given them rather more status as it meant they might have something worth stealing. She did hope that Mister Topfire would like it, as he had been down his mine all week and didn’t yet know. But he was returning today, and Misses Topfire was getting ready to go meet him, as she always did.

Being well dressed for the occasion was very important. Misses Topfire had put on her holly green dress, dyed with leaves from the flat plains mile below, and which had been a 50th birthday present from Mister Topfire. Then she stood in front of the mirror and brushed her longer amber hair, and thick beard, with the ivory hairbrush made from the horn of a wigwag goat that roamed the mountains high up and in the west, and which had been a 40th birthday present from Mister Topfire. Finally she put on her emerald neckless over her beard, with seven green stones the size of quail eggs that came from the huge Heather mines in the east, and which had been a wedding gift from Mister Topfire, and also a 30th birthday present which happened to be the same day.

Misses Topfire was 60 in two weeks’ time, and she did wonder what her birthday present might be. What she really wanted more than anything was a child even though she was still quite young, and she didn’t know how much they cost, or even if there were any available at the moment. She made a mental note to ask Mister Topfire later anyway.

When she was happy with how she looked in the mirror, Misses Topfire went to check the guinea pig and turnip stew that was slow cooking in the pot over the fire. The stew was bubbling nicely, and she gave it a stir to mix everything up. It was a big stew, with three quarters of a guinea pig. She hoped Mister Topfire was hungry, because it is terrible to waste food.

Happy with supper and the smouldering fire, Misses Topfire collected her guinea pig fur cloak, which she had made herself, and went up the ladder, through the trap door, and into the early evening sun.

Quan – the little town where Misses Topfire lived – was busy. This was strange as there was no market today, and the big Tiddletop mine that had 30 people working there was still open for another two days before their day off. But there were lots of people all moving in a terrible hurry looking really quite frightful with beards and hair all over the place. There was even one woman wearing a dark blue dress that was torn around the hem. Misses Topfire wondered if there had been an accident in one of the mines. Even if there had been, nobody should be dressed like that.

Misses Topfire was a bit put out by the behaviour, but she carried on anyway, and set up the hill to Mister Topfire’s mine. After about 5 minutes, she saw a very strange thing indeed. Above her, standing on the brow of the hill she was climbing, and holding a very very long stick, was the tallest child she had ever seen. She knew it was a child because they had a very small beard. She had had a longer beard when she was just 15, yet this person must have been twice the height of Mister Topfire, or maybe even taller. Misses Topfire couldn’t even tell if this person was a boy or a girl because they so very tall and still quite far away. She continued up the hill to get a better look.

When she got closer, Misses Topfire saw the child was wearing very strange metal clothes that were shaped and flowed like normal clothes, yet sparkled in the sun and made chinking sounds like the metal spoons she and Mister Topfire ate with. Then the child saw her. It looked right at her, its eyes going up and down over her then stopping on her emerald necklace. Then it pointed the very long stick at her, and she saw that it was very sharp on the end, and suddenly Misses Topfire had a strong feeling that this was no child at all.

The thing above her turned its head and shouted something in a funny language that was totally different that anything she had heard before. It was a deep and eerie sound that seemed to wriggle into Misses Topfire’s ear and make her shiver. It could almost be a musical sound if it wasn’t for the metal clad man-child it was coming from.

Another tall creature came up from behind the hill and looked right at her too. This one had no beard at all, which looked really very funny, though Misses Topfire did not find it a good time to laugh. The second thing stared striding towards her, its long legs carrying it quickly. Misses Topfire began to feel frightened. She remembered the people in Quan, and the woman with the torn dress. Maybe these things had done that to her..? Misses Topfire thought about running away but the thing in front of her was moving so quickly that she didn’t have time to do so.

Then it brought its arm down and across its body, crouched slightly around the knees, then smacked Misses Topfire across the face with the back of its hand. Both of Misses Topfire’s feet left the ground, and she fell flat on her back with a nasty knock to her head against a stone. There was a taste of blood in her mouth, and vision was dazzled with flashing lights. It was the most pain she had felt since falling from the top of Misses Crabby’s ladder after drinking too much apple cider.

But the thing wasn’t done with her yet. With its giant hands that were almost the size of her body, it grabbed the emerald necklace Mister Topfire had given her, and tore it straight off from her neck. Then everything went black, and Misses Topfire closed her eyes, letting the world slip away from her.

To be continued

[Delta40]

lmao! I thought this is a twisted combination of Beatrix Potter, Enid Blyton, Daffyd Thomas - the only gay in the village and Gullivers travels. I'm still lost but despite some grammatical errors, the story is interesting to say the least and I hope it will make some more sense as you post instalments!

May I suggest you use a line break between paragraphs because it makes it easier to read and consider using some dialogue too so you're not just telling the story but showing the character through what they say.

[JungleDuck]

lmao! I thought this is a twisted combination of Beatrix Potter, Enid Blyton, Daffyd Thomas - the only gay in the village and Gullivers travels. I'm still lost but despite some grammatical errors, the story is interesting to say the least and I hope it will make some more sense as you post instalments!

May I suggest you use a line break between paragraphs because it makes it easier to read and consider using some dialogue too so you're not just telling the story but showing the character through what they say.

Thanks for the thoughts. Only gay in the village comparison made me chuckle!
Apologies for the grammar, English was never a strong point.. I've tried to remove the errors from the next part, so sorry for anything that's amiss! Line breaks done as well, much better.

Hope you the next part straightens a thing or two out :)

[JungleDuck]

Misses Topfire escapes

It felt to Misses Topfire like she was laying her head on a warm pillow in a cosy room tucked away safe underground. There was laughter on the edge of her ears, so she decided to open her eyes, which seemed to be rather more difficult that it should be. The warm fuzziness that had engulfed her started to melt away, and a sharp pain flowed down from the top of her. The soft laughing became a taunting glee, and pierced into her accompanied by a rush of fear.

She opened her eyes.

The very tall child with no beard at all was standing over her, its fist clenched firmly around the emerald necklace that had been her birthday present from Mister Topfire. And it was laughing – this creature – it was looking right at her with terrible joy, its mouth wide open, and teeth all showing.

The other one, who was still standing up the hill, carrying a very very long stick but with quite a small beard, was coming down towards Misses Topfire. It, too, was laughing. But then it saw Misses Topfire’s emerald necklace in the first one’s hand, and began to talk very quickly in the funny tongue Misses Topfire had heard before. The first one held the necklace behind its back and started talking back very quickly and really quite loudly.
Misses Topfire, who was still more frightened than she had been when Mister Sty’s biggest pig had chased her down the road, still hadn’t moved, and was watching these strange happenings with bewilderment. Suddenly the creature-child holding the very long stick struck the other one across the side of the head with the stick it was holding. The creature, arms flailing in the air, very nearly fell on top of poor Misses Topfire. But it kept hold of the emerald necklace, which it stuffed into its pocket the moment it stood up again. Then it leapt right over her, as though she was nothing more than a dirty puddle, and punched the creature holding the very long stick on the nose.

The two strange things started punching and kicking and pushing each other, and Misses Topfire decided it was time to run away. Nearly twice they stood on her, and once kicked her in the leg, and she didn’t think she would get her emerald necklace back anyway. So she jumped up, ran off the path into a gap between the bushes, then ran and ran and ran as very fast as she could, with her long dress pulled up tightly to make sure it didn’t get torn or too dirty.

After a while, Misses Topfire stopped to find out where she might be. Night-time was starting to fall and dark was engulfing her so quickly, that she began to worry about being lost. The pain in her head had become a dull ache, which only made her worry more. She decided to climb a little tree that stood just beside her to try and find out where she was.

When she was high enough to see over the bushes and scrubs around her, Misses Topfire got another surprise. The path she had just run away from was only a few meters in front of her. It seemed that in her blind rush, she had gone in a big semi-circle, only to arrive back at the path, though thankfully, slightly further on from where she had started. Fortunately, there was no sight or sound of the creatures. But there was something more wonderful just ahead – Mister Topfire’s mine.

And then, out of the little door that led to the tunnel into the mountain, came Mister Topfire. He was black with dirt, as he always was after a week in the mine, and his beard and hair were a frazzled mess, encircling his face like a shroud and making his bright eyes and white teeth stand out. Misses Topfire had never, in all her life, been so happy to see him.

Jumping from the perch in her little tree, Misses Topfire ran down the slope shouting as loudly as she ever had.

“Mister Topfire, Mister Topfire!” over and over again.

Mister Topfire looked up, confused, and saw his wife of nearly 30 years burst forth from the bushes.

“Misses Topfire,” he said, “whatever is the matter? Your beard is a mess, your clothes are filthy, and you were hiding in a bush ready to jump out at me.”

“Oh Mister Topfire,” she said, “It was terrible, it was awful, it was really the most wicked thing that ever happened to me.”

The she proceeded to tell Mister Topfire about everything – about the busy village and the woman with the torn dress, the strange children, that sounded like men, but had no beards, yet were twice as tall as mister Topfire, or maybe even taller. When she told him about how they hit her, and laughed at her, and that one of them ripped her emerald necklace clean from her neck, she was overcome shuddering sobs.

All the while, Mister Topfire listened with his hand gently around her shoulders. After she finished speaking, quiet descended, and he waited, deep in thought, till Misses Topfire didn’t look so upset.

The he said, “I think I know what these things might be. I think I’ve seen one before. It scared me because it was not a child, even with its very small beard, but a young and strong man.”

Misses Topfire dried her eyes with the back of her hands, and looked up to her husband from the warmth of his hold. “Where?” she whispered. She had never even heard of such creatures, let alone seen one.

“It was many years ago, buying green holly leaves in Harlem on the edge of the plains,” began Mister Topfire. “They live there, where the land is flat and there are no mountains or mines to speak off. They grow crops, and capture animals, and cut down trees to make their houses above the ground.”

“That is strange,” Misses Topfire replied.

“They are very strange indeed. They are called Humans, and they are very good at getting what they want.”

To be continued

[Delta40]

well I got the gullivers travels right. I'm still stumped on what the Topfires are, esp given she lost her emerald necklace - a jewel bug....no they don't eat guinea pig stew.

The added dialogue makes it more interesting and the line breaks are great.