My First Piece Of Writing

[Joe1993]

Hi there, this is my first piece of writing so I didn't know how to go about structuring it very well and what english terms to use and when, but hopefully with practice I should/hopefully learn and become better, so if you could take the time to read this random story I started to write it would be much appreciated. Cheers! Joe


In the heart of the city, Robert awoke confused as to why he arrived in Paris. The street music played an all familiar tune, one of which sounded like a song his mother use to sing to him as a child. Clambering out of the royal, four-poster bed, he looked out the window to see a sight to which he had not seen before. Perched on a tree were two doves, clutching each other by the wing tips, nestling into there finely woven nest of delicate twigs picked from the cherry orchard. As Robert watched this he couldn't help but wonder what happened to his love. Penelope.
Suddenly, he turns to hear a knock on the old, white, wooden door of room 403.
"Mr Davies", said a voice, panting heavily.
"Um, yes?" replied Robert in a hesitant sigh.
"Mr Davies, you remeber what Mr Dukakis told you yesterday evening? Please, you must hurry".
"Oh, right, yes, yes of course, thank you Michael".
Robert hurried to his desk. On it, he found a letter, sealed with red wax, and on it featured the small intricate drawing of a peacock, marked in the top right hand corner, no bigger than a thumbnail. He settled the letter down on the bed and proceeded to gather his belongings to leave.

Standing out side the front of the 'The Four Seasons' dozens of people wondered aimlessley up and down the street, passing fruit stands and street performers. Two of these people were a couple, strolling hand in hand, with the look of happiness and delightment flourishing from thier ever so delightful faces. Just as Robert saw this, a car pulled up beside him and rolled down its tinited black window.
"Are you Robert?" said a voice, stained with the effects of a smoker.
Robert leered in to 1998 Rolls Royce Seraph to see three men all dressed in black suits hiding thier eyes with sunglasses.
"Mr Dukakis?" Robert ordered.
"No, but please, he is waiting." said the man haistily.
Robert clambered into the car, unsettled by the two men squashing him from either side of the seat as he sat down between them. As the car pulled away Robert leaned over to look out the window at the happy couple he saw earlier. They were sitting on a bench, opposite a beautiful looking fountain, with statues of cherubs and half naked women, covering thier bodies with almost life like wavy hair. It reminded Robert of a simpler time, a time when he and his love could abolish the troubles with such elements of beauty and tranquility.

The fresh zesty smell of a spring day hummed through the air as the car arrived at what seemed to be an old abandoned fairground. The car rolled under a huge, moss ridden sign saying "Bienvenue à la Fantaisie Royaume" and proceeded to move towards the carosel ride. The ride looked to be somethign out of a 80's movie, with its horse missing many limbs and golden pillars now turned to an everlasting tacky white. As the car drove past more amusments it finally came to a halt outside a run down fun house with the roots of a near by oak tree infesting themselves on its foundations.
"We're here. You'll find him inside, take the envelope and...", before the estranged man could finish his sentance Robert intruded.
"So if I do this, you'll let me go", Robert insisted.
The man let out a large sigh, with this Robert got out the car and walked wearingly towards the fun house. As he proceeded to enter the car sped of, leaving a cloud of dust and smoke as it left the old abandoned fair ground.

Robert entered the structure with caution, not knowing how old it was it looked like the whole building would come tumbling down in an instance. He follwed the path in a hurried fashion, often taking turns that would lead to mutilpe dead ends. After about five minutes of very frustrating travelling he arrived to a room. In it, dozens of discarded flyers had been blown in from the wind over the passing years, almost filling the floor completly. As Robert wondered to the centre of the room, he noticed a whimpering, like that of a small puppy when left alone. He followed the noise until he came to a door, an old, thick, steel door. It looked like something off a solitary confinement room you would expect to see in a episode of America's Toughest Prisons. He opened the door to an unusual sight. Just as he was about to investigate he was inturrupted by Mr. Dukakis. A in a grey pinstripe suit carrying a black and silver walking cane. He looked about 40 years old and gave off a vibe of intense widsom.
"You know, when I first met you Rob." He said as he took the envelope from Roberts firm grip.
"I thought you would know how to handle yourself at times like this."
Robert looked at him in a state of confusion, then back to the table.
"Where is she?" Robert persisted.
"Oh don't worry Rob, she's fine. You'll be reunited shortly." Dukakis opened the envelope, cutting the wax seal pulling out a small piece of yellow card. On it read three words, 'He's The One'. Preeceding to continue conversation Dukakis reached into his back pocket and pulled out a gun. Robert dashed to safety but struggled to find cover, then suddenly a loud bang rang throughout the darkened room, Robert fell on to the table, landing on the tape recorder, which began to play those whining and whimpering sounds he heard just before.
"Robert Davies. Out of all the men I've hired over the years, you were one of the best." said Dukakis. "It's such a shame". With that, Mr. Dukakis buried a final bullet into the chest or Robert Davies, ending the life which he once had.

With that Mr. Dukakis wondered out of the room to leave the blood soaked Robert Davies and wondered if he should have reunited him with his love. Penelope.

End

[Bluehound]

Hello
I quite enjoyed the build up of your story, the lonely and rather lost character being brought to the scarry location.

But I would like to point out a couple of things that put me off.

"The ride looked to be somethign out of a 80's movie"

"to a door, an old, thick, steel door. It looked like something off a solitary confinement room you would expect to see in a episode of America's Toughest Prisons"

This sort of thing ruins the immersion for me, describe the items in the world that you are showing me , don't jolt me out of it while I search my memory banks for 80s movies and a telly program I may never have watched.

"Two of these people were a couple, strolling hand in hand, with the look of happiness and delightment flourishing from thier ever so delightful faces"

I know its very easy to do and we all do it, but beware of repeating words too close together and especially in the same sentence.

Hope you don't mind me pointing things out and I look forward to reading some more of your stories.

[Joe1993]

Thanks very much, and no I don't mind you pointing them out at all. It will help me when I write another story. Thanks

[hillwalker]

Some of this was quite good - at least it kept me interested enough to continue reading.

But you do a better job of creating an atmosphere than putting together a story – the whole business with the sealed envelope didn’t make a great deal of sense, nor the fact that Robert Davies was killed in the end.

So, the plot needs some work. There was very little in the way of tension because your hero behaved as if he was on autopilot. The reader was not made aware that Penelope was being held captive by Mr. Dukakis (was she?) - but surely Robert knew this and would have felt some trepidation prior to their meeting.
And the rather melodramatic finale in the abandoned fairground was wasted rather. Why go through this pointless activity when they could have shot him in his hotel room or in the car? Also - if he was 'one of the best' (agents?) why walk into a trap so feebly?

As for the writing – there are numerous typos (it’s best to use Spellcheck and put these right before posting), but as you say it’s your first attempt you are forgiven.

But the points Bluehound makes are important. There’s a lot of repetition and some rather clumsy expressions that need some attention :

In the heart of the city, Robert awoke confused as to why he arrived in Paris - is just poor writing. What you are trying to say presumably is Robert awoke in the heart of Paris, unsure of what he was to do next - he's confused about being in Paris not about why he arrived there.

The street music played an all familiar tune, one of which sounded like a song..... - 'an all familiar tune' (?) suggests just one tune, so to then say 'one of which' makes no sense. Did you mean 'many familiar tunes'?

he looked out the window to see a sight to which he had not seen before. - ? looking out to see a sight - do you need me to tell you why this is rather sloppy? and why 'to which'? There's no need for 'to'.

Suddenly, he turns to hear a knock - and suddenly you're telling the story in the present tense when the rest of it is all in past tense. It should be 'he turned' I guess.

On it, he found a letter, sealed with red wax, and on it featured the small intricate drawing of a peacock - careless repetition

dozens of people wondered aimlessley up and down the street,and
As Robert wondered to the centre of the room,
I'm assuming you mean 'wandered'.

Two of these people were a couple, strolling hand in hand, sounds really awkward - because two is obviously a couple. You're better just saying 'There was a couple strolling.....'

a run down fun house with the roots of a near by oak tree infesting themselves on its foundations.
'infest' usually refers to what insects or other pests do when they overrun somewhere - it's impossible for anything to infest itself.

the car sped of (off?), leaving a cloud of dust and smoke as it left the old abandoned fair ground. - we know where it's leaving - and sped off also tells us it's going away so you're repeating yourself unnecessarily here

He foll(o)wed the path in a hurried fashion, often taking turns that would lead to mutilpe dead ends. - ? - 'would lead to multiple dead ends' is again confusing. When would this happen? Try to keep it simple - The path he hurried along had numerous dead ends.

After about five minutes of very frustrating travelling he arrived to a room. - 'very frustrating travelling' just sounds odd - and he would arrive at a room not to a room.

Robert dashed to safety but struggled to find cover, If he struggled to find cover he can't have reached safety - rather a difficult sentence to make sense of. You need to change it to something like 'Robert struggled to find cover as he searched for safety.'

Mr. Dukakis buried a final bullet into the chest or (of?) Robert Davies, ending the life which he once had. - Gulp. Why not just tell us he killed him?

A lot of this could be trimmed down and tidied up to read more smoothly. As it is the flow is rather jerky - too many awkward expressions. And although you do a fine job when you portray references to Robert's blissful past we're unsure why that is so important to the plot.

My advice would be to read a lot. Keep writing but aim to be concise - simple writing doesn't mean less skillful writing. It takes more talent to condense something into a few simple words than to drivel on and on while saying nothing.

H

[Joe1993]

Thank you Hillwalker, all of your criticism will help me. Another thing is that the last time I took an english lesson was a couple of years ago (GCSE's) and back then I wasn't particularly interested in english much, it's only now that I'm becoming more interested in the subject now. So I'm finding it hard to remember how to structure and create my stories, but hopefully I can learn it quickly. Thanks