"The visitor"

[loribell]

I wrote this for all the sexually abused children, April is sexual abuse awareness month, we shouldn't forget about those who have survived.


Lying in her old twin that has been passed down for generations, it’s paint worn off from age, she looks at her bedroom door. Opened slightly, she looks at the still silent darkness that is piercing through. She holds her warm cozy covers close to her. Her hands tightly holding the edges, her eyes now shut, she tries hard to fall asleep.

She is startled by the hallway light coming on. She turns and looks back at the crack through the door. The light streaming through like it’s laughing at her, taunting her. She hears those familiar footsteps coming up the stairs. She hears the pounding, step by step. Not fast, but not as normal as they should be.

She takes in a deep troubled breath. Closing her eyes as tightly as she can, her little fist grasping her blankets so tight the veins in her hands are protruding, her knuckles are white. Her heart starts to pound so hard it feels like it will just jump out of her tiny chest. She’s so afraid someone will hear it. “ Stop, you have to be quite.” she tells herself.

The foot steps make it to the top of the hallway. Still holding her breath, she listens carefully. They turn towards the other room. She hears the door open to it. She slowly let’s out her breath as she turns over onto her side. She’s facing the window now. As she looks out of the window, darkest hangs in the night like dark heavy drapes.

She closes her eyes only to have them jerk open again. The door didn’t shut, she realizes that now. She heard it open, but it never shut. She closes her eyes tight again, “ Please mommy, come to me, mommy I’m scared. Don’t let me stay here!” She screams those words in her head, She’s to scared to say them out loud, she doesn’t dare. She hears the footsteps again, one, two three, and four. Slowly she hears her bedroom door open.

Still on her side, facing the window, she holds those covers as tight as she can against her tiny frail body. The side of her bed goes down from the weight of her visitor. A hand slowly starts to caress the side of her face. Than it reaches out to play with the hair that is streaming out from the covers.” Daddy, I want my daddy, daddy help me!” She says this to herself, but hoping her daddy will hear her. He will come, he will rescue her. Carefully her covers are pulled away from her tiny hands.

The cats are playing. They’re running around the room like crazy! Watch them jump, oh so high they jump into the air! Silly, crazy cats. It’s late, you shouldn’t be playing. Your going to make to much noise!

Gradually her visitor rises from her bed. She can hear him rustling with his clothes. And then he bends down to kiss her forehead as if what he just did to her was OK, he walks to the door, he stops to look at her one more time. . Her bedroom door is carefully opened, the visitor sneaks out into the lighted hallway hoping not to be seen. She grabs her pillow and holds it tightly against her still body. Sobbing into it, so she doesn’t wake the others.

As her tears subside, she rolls over to look out the window again. “ Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are”. She stretches her hand straight out towards the window and the darkness. “God will help me, someday, I know he will help me.” Soon she is devoured in sleep. There are no dreams. Her dreams are being destroyed, one by one by the visitor.

[MrLightening]

Brilliant. On so many levels - Brilliant.
To start with, the writing is near perfect. Clear, concise, straight to the point. Dealing with this subject matter, one wrong move and the whole thing can collapse. I felt chills down my spine from the opening paragraph, and you sustained the horror throughout. Not an easy task. The child's feelings, thoughts are conveyed perfectly. We become the child. Although ... I felt this was a little dangerous, by reliving the crime itself. If I were someone who was abused like this, I don't feel this story would help me. The final words are incredibly strong, and really hit home with the reader. But I don't think they would be enough to satisfy a victim who is reading. I say we should be aware of this stuff, but not to the point in which we make the pedophile an invisible monster. There are ways to combat this problem. I would have liked to see more of this story, with the child grown up, and dealing with the past. There has to be some hope for the sufferers of abuse. There has to be encouragement to speak up.

[loribell]

Thank you MrLighting for the critique. I really appreciate it. It is a difficult subject to write about. But so many times you here the story about the abuser and not the victim. My hope is, that people will read this and realize that this does happen, to much. It is a story that can definately be continued..

[Delta40]

It is written very well through the eyes of a child and although the piece is short, its content makes it feel painfully slow which is appropriate under the circumstances.

I doubt many think it happens rarely loribell. Keep writing.