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echo75
04-20-2011, 09:56 PM
Moon Faced Baby

In a moment of great crisis,
Nature presents her greatest
drama. To the wonder of men;
to remind his feeble mind of the
power of love.

And on this night,
a young family beheld a sight
to never be seen;
a glimpse of hope
and a thought of a temptation.

The night sky aglow with the smiling light
of a clear crisp sphere
rising low on the horizon
above the sea.

Rhythmic pounding;
air funneled through the conch,
a prayer mutter over a rosary.
The surf’s fanning waves
celebrate a jubilee.

The moon, a maiden’s full breast,
creamy milk, organismically sweet.
This narcissistic being basking in the
glow of its own light.

Casts such a glamorous path;
If only to transform into a mermaid
to swim the silver shimmer. To the shores
of Europe to a Roman musing under the stars.

To imagine, a love of she
the tempest tosses, mindlessly hauling the cargo
and driven by the heart’s of men.
Majesty of her white billowing sails.

Loved as Verlaine loved his France,
Or the Lady Liberty loved her refugees.
Her greatest love are the serenading cries
of her pitiful children- seagulls.

Awakened from the trance
of Earth’s myth.
She turns to her angel
held, a moon faced baby,
who points into the wind
and utters, “Dad-dad.”

MorpheusSandman
04-21-2011, 12:30 AM
This certainly has the feel of the Romantics, but I think it teeters between cheesy and something evocatively primal. The third stanza is an example where it's just too rich, while stanza 4 is the piece at its strongest, as each image builds drama like a cinema montage. I can see the cuts going from one to the other, all building on top of each other. I think you lose it again in stanza 5, but I like the ending where it seems to marry the extremes of florid descriptiveness, mysticism, and pure imagery.

hillwalker
04-21-2011, 01:10 PM
There are some good lines in this piece, but also a lot that would be better taken out.

The opening two stanzas do you no favours at all - what is the crisis for example? and who are this young family? It all seems a bit too breathless when what you're actually describing is a moonrise presumably. The poem would be better starting with the third verse which I did not personally find too sickly.

Unfortunately the 4th stanza goes adrift again - introducing a conch (ok - we're on the sea shore so I suppose it's feasible) and a jubilee??? Then stanza 5 is just too much - 'organismically' and 'narcisstic' - what a mouth-full.

The mermaid image is fine again - but then a Roman appears out of nowhere. Why? To add a touch of Classicism? It doesn't work. Nor do Verlaine and Lady Liberty to be honest.

And if anything is cheesy it's that closing line. Pure kitsch.

I would suggest filtering out some of the ambiguous imagery and focussing on the simplest elements in front of you - the moon and the sea. You have enough imagination to bring the two to life and combine them into a memorable image. The rest is mere distraction.

H