Astrophel

[Alexander III]

I have fled, and I flee and flee and flee! Distantly,
Like a star circumnavigating it's soundless grave.

In the dutch snows, full of the weary and the worn,
Soldiers bloody and bullet pierced, scattered like leaves;
I march on, with feet not my own,
Devoid of reason or sensation, I too a leaf -
One floating down on the breeze, yet to touch
The ground. There are noises around me - Ignored.

The pond in the distance:
Seeming perfectly still, motionless like a mirror,
Because every one of it's smallest particles
Is constantly and unceasingly in motion.

The bullets find me too and pierce like those particles;
The breeze finished with it's plaything, it lets the leaf
Drop and rest upon the snow...

The water-bottle is lain in his drifting fingers
"Thy necessity is yet greater than mine."

In the sky above my watery eyes I see Stella,
Bright amongst the billions, yet it is my Stella.
I have watched and admired and loved her,
For an entire youth. Truer than any diary,
I have sung her my soul and memoirs,
Not a single night did I not add a new canto.
Yet she never listened or replied, she just was;
Every night waiting for me in our venue,
To never listen and never respond -

Rage, rage, rage - against the unreflection of love.
Till despair and bitterness become the home...

His fingers move and rise and lift and drink,
His necessity was greater than my own.
I have fled, and I flee and flee and flee! Distantly,
Like a star circumnavigating it's soundless grave.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's been a long time since I've read one of yours, Alex, and I still see your trademark romanticism in the sensuous flourishes, but you've also developed a more narrative style; I could see this working well as a short story as much as a poem. I'm not sure if the "flee" and "rage" repetitions work; I assume it was meant to be a reference to the famous Dylan Thomas piece? I'm also not sure about the leaf imagery; I like the juxtaposition of the still pond and the bullets better, as it's a nice contrast of movement. You might think of a way to say this metrically or syntactically. The Stella stanza seems a bit out of place to me, or at least I can't quite make out its relevance in this context. It certainly has a very neo-classical air to it. Perhaps what isn't quite working overall is the combination of realism and romanticism/classicism. They seem to be clashing against each other. But there are still some lovely moments, especially "star circumnavigating its soundless grave".

[deryk]

Some of the metaphors here are excellent, the first couplet especially. I didn't like the leaf images, once they were drawn further into the abstractions of the later stanzas. I think the narrative does work beyond that. I also wasn't as fond of the second repetition with the triple rage. The romantic qualities really carry the poetics over the prosody of the narrative.

[Amylian]

Its narrative style and implementing Romantic elements work very well. The power of your imagery is very much so prevalent and lovely. Also, well I may agree not with the rest of the comments above in regard to the "Leaf" imagery, I would only suggest that could it be developed further?

One more thing you might want to pay attention to is the Typo. "it's soundless grave" I think is meant as "its soundless grave"

Overall, to me, this is a wonderful piece...hahah one more reason I am saying that is because I too am a fanatic of Romanticism...(:

[blank|verse]

It's quite an ambitious piece, this one AIII, and seems different from your usual stuff (but it's always good to have a bit of range).

That said, I agree with Morpheus, and wonder whether the repetition works that well; and of course thought of Dylan Thomas's 'Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night'. The other reference here is to Philip Sidney's 'Astrophil and Stella' sonnet sequence... but I've not read that, so can't say any more!

To me, also, it felt a bit fragmented and didn't flow very well. For example, the metaphysical third stanza on the pond seems to break to the flow of the action established and then returned to after.

And while there is undoubtedly some good imagery here, I feel overall the poem lacks control.

[Alexander III]

Thank you all for your replies

I suppose I should have mentioned that this poem was dedicated and about Sir Philip Sidney, or rather his death fighting the dutch.

And as is evident I implemented the "rage, rage, rage" as a reference to the Thomas poem as I though implementing the thought of said poem would add to the creation of sensation which i was trying for.

As Morph and Blank have pointed out the pastiche of different styles within the poem is not so much a conscious choice as it is my various influences clashing together to form a rather unpleasant sound like a suicidal orchestra.

However the disjointed narrative I think is necessary in order to convey a man's final moments amidst the chaos of battle.

Once again thanks for all the responses

[IceM]

However the disjointed narrative I think is necessary in order to convey a man's final moments amidst the chaos of battle.


And for me, it works in this regard. I loved the romantic images, but the broken memories making a disjunct whole for me was the greatest success of this piece.