Beef Barley Broth

[Delta40]

Beef barley broth
is not what this family needs.
Spaghetti hoops stick to the face
of our child as she stumbles along, crying.
Her Father yells: Stop hanging onto me.
Let go already!
He pushes her hand away,
while I dally behind and hope
the train won't take too long.
At home I down a purple pill
and don't give her a second thought.
He gets a beer from the fridge
and stretches out on the couch.
Our child cries from a blurred background
but now, her sound isn't annoying enough
for either of us to bother.
Go and wash your face - Now!
He flicks through channels,
seaching
then orders me to get him something
to eat.
Gimme a bowl of that beef.
That'll do the trick.
I float round the kitchen humming
an illusory tune,
as if some harmonious domestic cloud
has settled on our home.
I ladle slops of the chunky broth warmed
fresh from a tin.
Outside, spaghetti hoops bob up and down
on the buoyant surface of the pool.

[Delta40]

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/images-1.jpg

[MystyrMystyry]

Delta the social commentator - this is a kitchen sink - the sort of scummy ill-breds you depict here will never read this, and if by some magical process they could read and were able to read this - and they did - they wouldn't get it

But it's curious isn't it? The sob watches tv to escape from his reality, but no-one really wants to entertain his - weren't these the typical cross-section that your former Prime Minister John Howard wanted screened to prevent having kids?

He may have been on to something...

[Delta40]

Removed. I said the 'P' word. Shhhh.

Thanks for your comments MM. I guess it is a social commentary - a slice of pizza to chew over...

[MorpheusSandman]

Nobody here can sketch an image of chaotic domesticity quite like you, Delta. Although, I still think much of it reads like chopped-up prose rather than poetry. Your line breaks frequently see arbitrary. At least, I can't think of a creative reason to break them when you do. I think a good rule of thumb would be to use them as end-stops or commas unless you think the break really brings something to the way it reads. More often than not, I think these sentences would read better and more evocatively without breaks.

[deryk]

It is rather prosy, but the dialogue still has a measure of musicality, I thought. I especially appreciated how you neglected to give the child a proper voice, and relegated her to a cry. The actions of the parents drown out the child while alluding to her at the same time. An excellent perspective.

[Delta40]

:smile5:I write what I think needs to be said in the way it should be said at the time I write it.:smile5:

My sock puppet says I could have written the above statement better as well....

[PrinceMyshkin]

I do agree with those who felt this might have been better as and could have been expanded somewhat to make a devastating short story. But as a domestic scene as it stands, it's poignant.

[Jerrybaldy]

I loved the hoops on the pool surface, so much more satisfying than a dead girl. I wondered where the hell you were going with your broth and when I found out I wanted to chant 'Delta' as it was very ****ing good .

[IceM]

I agree much with what is said. I found it a commentary on general absent-mindedness and found it very effective. Well written.

[Delta40]

Thanks IceM. I would use a stronger term than general absent mindedness however, you raise an interesting observation on the diverse thresholds of responsible parenting!

[Jerrybaldy]

seems to me that the death of a child by stoned ****ed up parents, beautifully understated, went a miss somewhere. It is a domestic horror story from a unique perspective .

[Delta40]

perhaps the understated nature of it is the true horror in society today....