short pieces ( looking for insight )

[Dark Ninja]

Hi, I'm slowly getting into writing. I don't really know where to start but I do enjoy writing short pieces of descriptive text. I generally get ideas but i just don't know how to expand on them.

Anyway, I hope you can give me some useful feedback! So, without further hesitation, here are my pieces of writing:

Edit - Piece 7
Edit 2 - Piece 8

Piece 1:
The barren wastelands unfold for miles, until meeting the mountains and alien terrain on the horizon. A wisp of dust sweeps across the plains. Shadows fall as the sun hovers in the sky, blanketing the ground in a warm wave of heat. As the evening light fades, a new sight blares into focus. The small corporate city lights up. The distant sound of vehicles and ships rings across the plains from the small oasis of civilization. In the distant, many miles away, a huge figure stands majestically in the wasteland. The rusting corpse of a crashed space shuttle, entrenched in a hundred meter deep crater, bits of debris littering the trail where it slide to its demise. The gaping holes in the ships side, looted for their worth years ago, creaking rumbles out of the dead ship as the metal strains and contorts in the heat.


Piece 2:
The sun shone through the dust clouds, slowly drifting in the light wind. A tree in the distance swayed a little, shadows being cast across the grassland below. The soft rattle of metal clanged from beyond the hill. The horizon was broken by a figure making it's way across the raised ground. It lifted the iron visor, sunken blue eyes surveyed the land before them. The dark pupils scanning left and right. The man raised an armoured hand and removed the helmet. His hand fell to the side, dropping the helmet to the floor with a dull thud. His tunic waved in the wind, the bright blues and golds rippling over the smooth metal cuirass. The towering man fell to his knee's. The scene before him was unlike any other he had seen. A single tear followed the contours of his worn face and disappeared under his mouth.


Piece 3:
A blistering heat washed over the drab wasteland, charred remains of animals lay scattered across the cracked earth, their bones blackend with ash. The Sunlight licked over the Rangers dusty brown trench-coat, billowing in the wind. He stood, perfectly still, surveying the view before him. He spat, rested his hand on the holster of his pistol and moved steadily forwards. Around him lay miles of desolate wasteland, not a living creature for as far as the eye could see. Yet the bleak ghost town before him was un-nerving. The ruined remains of the old wooden buildings lay scattered and burned from the great fires. The Ranger made his way along the street, his eye's scanning left and right. At the end of the dirt road he stopped. His eye's rested upon a decayed building and what lay inside. His fingers gripped the magnum, flexing as his grip tightend. As his gaze lifted, the sunlght washed across his jaw, a smile twinged.


Piece 4:
A light mist settled across the floor, gliding over the moist soil. The slight shimmer of sunlight slithered through the canopy, eluminating area's of the dense forest floor. Tree trunks the size of houses stretched for miles, the tree's reaching many hundreds of feet into the air. Strange sounds echoed across the mysterious landscape, Whoops, clicks and croaks filled the air. The twisted lower branches warped around each other, casting strange shadows in the little light that penetrated this far. This is the forest of Scrupulosa.

Piece 4.1:
A crack echoed around the forest Dexter stopped, scanning the area, his Eye's darting left and right piercing through the dank undergrowth. Raising his hand he signalled for the company to move. From the bushes over twenty men rose and formed a line.
"Sarge getting jumpy again O'neil?" A trooper asked.
"Yeah kid, just watch your six." O'neil replied, scanning the tree line.
They marched on, through the undergrowth constantly alert. the dark forest closing in around them. As they approached a large ditch, Dexter motioned for the men to form a line, looking over the edge. A rustle as twenty pairs of boots came crunching over the debris of the forest floor and rested in position. Each of the men raised there weapons, pressing them into their shoulders, taking aim.
"Fire on my lead." Dexter whispered over the com.
A thunderous roar filled the air as rifles sprayed hot metal upon the troops below, with an almighty yell the company charged, down hill, into the enemy line...



Piece 5:
The soft swish as waves lapped at the sand filled the air, a white shimmer gliding across the surface. the moon shone bright on this night. In the distance, Gulls cried and small dots of lights dissapeared over the cliffs many miles away. Such a beautiful night. As the moon rose a small figure strolled along the beach, kicking at the sand as it walked. It stopped and looked out across the ocean. It's face lit by the glow of the moon, showed a smooth and young face. The boy sat, lifting sand with his hands, then letting it flow away again in the wind. He smiled to himself. Such a simple, yet marvelous thing. He sighed and looked at the palm of his hands, etched with light markings. He felt truly alive, the smell of the salty sea air washing over his senses and the view before him. The boy stood, took one last look at the sea, smiled and walked without a second glance back along the beach, slowly disappearing into the darkness.


Piece 6:
A blazing red glow filled the sky, smoke billowing high, screams and musket fire echoed around the town. Terrible cries of pain and other, more sinister growls, came from the burning buildings. A house collapsed, the wooden beams crumbling and the thatched roof caving in, flames devoured the remains. Men and women ran through the streets, the soliders, dressed in their red coats and clean white trousers marched after them, turning and firing into the darkness. Amongst this horror a small boy ran, ducking and weaving his way through the chaos, crawling through legs and jumping over bodies, that lay drenched with a deep red liquid. The screams quietend, and the blistering heat of the fires gave way to the cool night air as he climbed the hill surrounding the little town. Looking down onto the scene, he stood, his little eye's taking it all in. The odd crack filled the air as the musket fire died down and the last of the towns defenders were slaughtered. the boy wiped his face with the sleeve of his dirty jacket, slowly panting, he ran.


Edit:

Piece 7:
A soft red glow illuminated the corridor, the grills in the walkway casting shadows on the pipes beneath. A door hissed and slid open, the light flickered. A flashlights beam tracked across the walls and then, a soldier stepped forward. His webbing clunked as he moved forwards, his boots making a heavy thud with each step. A quiet beep came from a machine strapped to his wrist. The soldier stopped and checked. His eye's looked back up, searching the roof, the walls, darting back and forth. Slowly He raised His rifle, one handed, keeping His Eye's on the tracker. The soldiers breath came short and sharp. His heartbeat increasing. He stepped forward, carefully, without a sound. Ahead, a slight scratching sound came; like bone scrapping metal, and then soft steps. The soldier looked at his ammunition counter, it read sixty, he glanced back at the corridoor and began to make his way forwards. His heart was racing, his breathing uncontrolled, the beeping quickend, the footsteps were getting closer. Mustering all of his courage, the soldier turned the corner, rifle raised and a look of determination on his face. A scream bounced along the corridor, the deafening roar of rifle fire nearly drowning it out and then, the corridor was silent again.

Edit 2:
Piece 8:
Heavy metal blasted from the speakers, blanketing the roar of the engines outside. The Dropship rocked as it hit turbulence, the payload of soldiers inside bounced about, though held firmly inplace by their harness's. the door to the cockpit opened with a whoosh and from it stepped a Marine, a cigar clenched between his teeth. He puffed on it once, before looking at the Marines.
"All right marines, we're going in, so stop your grinning and drop your linen! Lock and load!" The Sergant shouted. the Marines grinned and yelled "Oorah" Back, as they begun bumping helmets and working themselves up. The cargo hold rang with the sound of metalic clacks as magazines were slammed into rifles. The Heavy metal dimmed and red emergency lights flared into action. A rasp of static washed over the speakers as the pilot keyed into the comm system. "30 seconds Marines".
The harness's were released and the Marines stood, looks of grim determinaton ethced into their battleworn faces. As the dropship rattled and bounced, the Marines gripped onto the above head handholds. The Bay doors opened, a flash of blinding light flooded across the hold. From behind the Sergent shouted. "Alright ladies, GO, GO, GO! We ain't getting paid by the hour!"
The Marines exited the ship, landed on soft sand and sprinted aross the open terrain. Whistle's and crack's as bullets zipped over head sounded, the wham as grenades exploded, sending clouds of dirt and rock into the sky rattling the Marines helmets.
The Sergent took one last puff on his cigar before spitting it out. "Damn, I love the corp!" He smiled, before cocking his weapon and rushing to join his Marines.

[hillwalker]

Your descriptive pieces are fine - and in small doses they can help add texture to a story.

The danger is that writers hooked on describing the weather or the landscape overdo the 'swirling mist' and 'swarms of dust' and don't really have anything very original to say.

In the same way, your attempts at dialogue are not very realistic. It read like something you might have picked up from a second-rate movie or a computer game.

The only way to improve what you write is to start hoarding ideas, snippets of conversation you overhear on the street; become an observer and in that way you'll have more useful material to work with.

Then when you come up with an idea for a plot or a situation you have the raw material available within your memory banks to flesh it out. If you get 'ideas' don't allow them to go to waste just because they don't seem to lead anywhere. The best stories start with the germ of an idea - and those writers with a broad enough imagination are able to expand it into something worth reading.

And of course, the advice everyone will give you; read as much as you can.

H

[Dark Ninja]

Your descriptive pieces are fine - and in small doses they can help add texture to a story.

The danger is that writers hooked on describing the weather or the landscape overdo the 'swirling mist' and 'swarms of dust' and don't really have anything very original to say.

In the same way, your attempts at dialogue are not very realistic. It read like something you might have picked up from a second-rate movie or a computer game.

The only way to improve what you write is to start hoarding ideas, snippets of conversation you overhear on the street; become an observer and in that way you'll have more useful material to work with.

Then when you come up with an idea for a plot or a situation you have the raw material available within your memory banks to flesh it out. If you get 'ideas' don't allow them to go to waste just because they don't seem to lead anywhere. The best stories start with the germ of an idea - and those writers with a broad enough imagination are able to expand it into something worth reading.

And of course, the advice everyone will give you; read as much as you can.

H


I just find it hard to concentrate on a single idea, I just get these sudden little sparks and I write a little bit about them and then they go.

I think the problem is in my confidence. I don't feel like I could write a large piece of writing without losing some of the immersion.

I read a lot, so I'll look more closely at dialogue from now and try and improve on that area of my writing.

Thanks for the feedback! It's much appreciated!!

[hillwalker]

Having lots of ideas that fizzle out is not a fault. That's how many writers start out (and it's certainly better having too many than none at all).

But I'm guessing that some of your ideas fit a certain theme - and perhaps that's where you can take things a step further. Try to combine one or two into a longer piece - for example, a particular place that you find intriguing, a character with a dark secret, a strange series of events; perhaps all can be woven into a story.

Whatever you do, don't stop scribbling them down as soon as they spring to mind.

One worrying point. You use the word 'concentrate'. Yikes! You're not meant to be concentrating when you write - you're meant to just let the words flow unconsciously from pen onto the paper. It's a good exercise to spend 10 minutes each day writing anything that comes into your head without any advance planning. Even though 75% of what you come up with might be garbage at the end there's always something there that you hadn't realised you had in you.

H

[Bluehound]

Indeed , don't stop writing - all this is good stuff.
As Hillwalker says, write everything down that you can, a full story is made of many ideas characters scenes and descriptions mixed together. So eventually you should have enough bits to make a whole. I often have a bits of writing that seem to be going no where sat on my PC, then suddenly (usually stood in the shower) I will have a eurica moment that fits two seemingly unrelated items together.
I think you may be struggling because you are trying to write perfectly first time. Don't be afraid to write a basic story and add the flourishes later.

[Dark Ninja]

Edited the post - Piece 7 is a new attempt.

[hillwalker]

Piece 7 is very good descriptive writing (if a little overdone - we don't need such detailed analysis of the soldier's every action perhaps).

But why are you telling us this? There has to be a point to describing a particular scene or character when you're telling a story otherwise the reader will wonder what's going on. At the moment all we've got is a snapshot portrait - we don't know who he is, where he is, what business he has being there and what happened immediately before he arrived on the scene.
You don't have to answer all these questions right at the start but the reader has to believe he is being let in on the secret sooner or later.

It's fine as far as it goes but it doesn't seem to be much more than an exercise in setting the scene. And the danger of basing your work on a stereotypical hero figure like this soldier is that it ends up as a cartoon story rather than something with any basis of reality.

H

[Dark Ninja]

It was just meant to be a short piece, I'd recently watched Aliens again and i wanted to try writing something with a little tension and experiment. I'll try writing larger pieces soon, then I work on characterization and trying to build a story.

[Emil Miller]

. The only way to improve what you write is to start hoarding ideas, snippets of conversation you overhear on the street; become an observer and in that way you'll have more useful material to work with.

Then when you come up with an idea for a plot or a situation you have the raw material available within your memory banks to flesh it out. If you get 'ideas' don't allow them to go to waste just because they don't seem to lead anywhere. The best stories start with the germ of an idea - and those writers with a broad enough imagination are able to expand it into something worth reading.

And of course, the advice everyone will give you; read as much as you can.

H

For anyone whose intention is to write meaningfully, this is excellent advice.
It is surprising how often small, seemingly unimportant, things from a writer's experience provides useful material. People carry a mass of memories in their sub-conscious which can be recalled at will and, because they are so varied, they are a ready source of inspiration for an author. I know this from my own experience which I have often drawn on in my writing.

[MatthewFarlow]

They all get my imagination going. Particularly the first one - there are many directions I that I can see that one going. These remind me of a game where someone writes an intro to a story and then multiple people write the rest of the story as they see it going. Good work!

[exodus238]

Piece 1:
The barren wastelands unfold for miles, until meeting the mountains and alien terrain on the horizon. A wisp of dust sweeps across the plains. Shadows fall as the sun hovers in the sky, blanketing the ground in a warm wave of heat. As the evening light fades, a new sight blares into focus. The small corporate city lights up. The distant sound of vehicles and ships rings across the plains from the small oasis of civilization. In the distant, many miles away, a huge figure stands majestically in the wasteland. The rusting corpse of a crashed space shuttle, entrenched in a hundred meter deep crater, bits of debris littering the trail where it slide to its demise. The gaping holes in the ships side, looted for their worth years ago, creaking rumbles out of the dead ship as the metal strains and contorts in the heat.

I read through this piece, and thought, the way you could expand it is by checking through it.. what is interesting? What would people want to know more about?
For example, where is this? What is the city like? Why is the space ship there? Why has it been looted? etc. Out of these, you may be able to create the history of this space ship, and therefore, a story.
:)

[Dark Ninja]

Thanks for the posts guys! I really would like to write more into each piece, but I believe it's my attention span. I write and I think, yeah that sounds good. then I move on and do something else.

I'm really just trying to get a feel of how to write, before I jump into the deep end. Bear in mind, each of these was literally a 5 minute idea that just sprang to mind.

[hillwalker]

You should try your hand at flash fiction - there's a market for it out there. But even at 500 words or less you need to develop more than just your descriptive skills. The reader needs to be shown something new - make the unfamiliar become familiar.

H

[Dark Ninja]

Another piece has been edited in, feedback please?

[hillwalker]

This one reminded me too much of the stereotypical military command in movies such as 'Apocalypse Now' or 'Avatar' - right down to the cigar! So zero for originality.

Presumably such 'macho' behaviour is authentic in the armed forces, but that's not enough to warrant basing an entire piece of writing on just that. The dialogue sounded dreadfully cliched and the plot consists of little more than soldiers getting ready to leave an assault craft... rather lightweight.

H

[Dark Ninja]

This one reminded me too much of the stereotypical military command in movies such as 'Apocalypse Now' or 'Avatar' - right down to the cigar! So zero for originality.

Presumably such 'macho' behaviour is authentic in the armed forces, but that's not enough to warrant basing an entire piece of writing on just that. The dialogue sounded dreadfully cliched and the plot consists of little more than soldiers getting ready to leave an assault craft... rather lightweight.

H

Yeah, a few of the lines were taken from various movies and chucked in. I'm just trying to expand on characters and dialog, slowly. I'm not too confident in my ability at writing unique speech at the moment.

[NoRule]

Dark Ninja,

When beginning writing it is helpful to start with areas you are familiar with. Creating a whole new world from your imagination isn't the easiest thing to do. Mr. Tolkein mastered the art, but I'm sure he had plenty of practice. With this, pull ideas from your daily experiences. When writing dialogue consider how people talk in reality. Put yourself in the shoes of your characters and ask yourself how you would speak in such a situation. When writing action, make it realistic and relatable.

When I start a piece, I ask myself "What do I want my readers to get from this?" If you are writing a short story, it is helpful to recognize the themes and motifs you would like to portray and utilize.

After considering that, I plan out the general plotline I am going to compose. I am sure to think of the methods and devices I will use to portray those themes and motifs. Characters, conflict, dialogue, syntax, etc. the crap most of us learned in English class.

Then it is time to write. The beginning needs to be interesting, it needs to grab the readers attention, and it needs to pave a smooth transition for the rest of your story. When I first started writing I started out with descriptions such as yours, but this route is not often the best. Action is much more interesting than description. Likewise, both action and dialogue are much more relatable than description.

Another thing to keep in mind is that, as a writer it is partly your duty to offer your readers something new - something they have not experienced before. Be creative, insightful, interesting.

Hope these words helped.
NoRule

Edit: I had another thought. Read other peoples' works and pick out what you like and what you find effective. Without copying, utilize those styles and techniques in your own unique way.

[Dark Ninja]

Dark Ninja,

When beginning writing it is helpful to start with areas you are familiar with. Creating a whole new world from your imagination isn't the easiest thing to do. Mr. Tolkein mastered the art, but I'm sure he had plenty of practice. With this, pull ideas from your daily experiences. When writing dialogue consider how people talk in reality. Put yourself in the shoes of your characters and ask yourself how you would speak in such a situation. When writing action, make it realistic and relatable.

When I start a piece, I ask myself "What do I want my readers to get from this?" If you are writing a short story, it is helpful to recognize the themes and motifs you would like to portray and utilize.

After considering that, I plan out the general plotline I am going to compose. I am sure to think of the methods and devices I will use to portray those themes and motifs. Characters, conflict, dialogue, syntax, etc. the crap most of us learned in English class.

Then it is time to write. The beginning needs to be interesting, it needs to grab the readers attention, and it needs to pave a smooth transition for the rest of your story. When I first started writing I started out with descriptions such as yours, but this route is not often the best. Action is much more interesting than description. Likewise, both action and dialogue are much more relatable than description.

Another thing to keep in mind is that, as a writer it is partly your duty to offer your readers something new - something they have not experienced before. Be creative, insightful, interesting.

Hope these words helped.
NoRule

Edit: I had another thought. Read other peoples' works and pick out what you like and what you find effective. Without copying, utilize those styles and techniques in your own unique way.


Thanks for the feed-back, all criticism is good and hopefully will allow me to improve my writing. I'm going to post up another thread for a bigger project I'm working on, so feel free to check that out too.