This Road

[everyadventure]

I follow curves and turns,
barreling down rutted dirt paths,
hoping to get lost
so I can find myself again.
But there's nowhere to go in this small town
and everything reminds me...

There,
that rusted swingset,
mysteriously planted in acres of wheat!
Do you remember our childish delight,
powerful enough to suspend our lust?

I sit on the rubber swing, gummy with age.
The chains complain, but you push me
once,
twice,
an underdog!
I soar in sunlight, swooping over green wheat
and into cloud-swirled sky…

And here,
the cemetery forgotten,
tombstones strangled by vines of kudzu.

We lie side by side, closing our eyes and imagining the end,
our heads pillowed by flat headstones.
Then with a kiss, you bring me back to life…

Just when I think I might at last be lost,
my headlights shine on the steel carcass
of a junked ice cream truck.

You tell me it is haunted
(a haunted ice cream truck?)
and I know you are teasing,
but I play along, knowing how it will end…

We are melting on an ice chest when the cops pull up.
The bald one eyes my unbuttoned shirt and smirks
while the black one calls my mother…

This road--and all others--
lead to you.
There's nowhere left to go.

[zoolane]

Nice poem I like bits were turn it child voice. Sometimes which I could lost for some peace.

[AuntShecky]

An evocative, nostalgic piece, with craftily chosen details.
I loved the lines about the cops!

[Bar22do]

I love how you braided your stanzas. This poem renders well N's search and nostalgia while evoking so beautifully her life's significant time.

I'd only suggest you rethink the last three lines, a bit redundant, for the reader understands.

Thanks for sharing this genuine, heartfelt poem,

best,

from bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh, it's a haunting, haunted poem! This is my first, spontaneous reaction. I will come back to it.

[MorpheusSandman]

The piece is at its strongest when it's contrasting the journey in the present with the memories of the past and, indeed, places become loaded in our memories to the point we often can't escape to anything new. I think, perhaps, you take a bit too long to get there. I might nix the first stanza and start with the second; while the first contains a nice metaphor about the horses, I don't think it meaningfully connects with the rest. Plus, the second stanza is more in media res which is always a good way to thrust us into the present, especially with such a propulsive line (you might even radically vary the line lengths to mimick the "twists and turns" of the road). I really like the use of aposiopesis in the second stanza, and it's a great way to transition into the dynamic that comprises the bulk of the piece.

But, as is too typical, the last little stanza breaks down all of the vivid juxtapositions in favor of something that feels like the summation of an essay, as if saying "in conclusions, this is what all of the above meant", which is just a bad way to end such an evocative, provocative piece.

[everyadventure]

@Morpheus: thanks for your in-depth critique! You are right on about the ending... I suddenly realized I was 7 minutes late for church and ended it in a hurry so I could post before heading out the door! I'll think about it some more and perhaps fix 'er up tomorrow...

[MystyrMystyry]

I agree with MS - the main body is something else again, and I get the feeling you've rediscovered your self - that is your original self when you first appeared all those months ago

(But I really wanted that icecream truck to be haunted ;) )

[PrinceMyshkin]

The richness of this becomes even more apparent on second reading, the strong way present and past are braided together.

I have two technical suggestions to make:

1) "We lay side by side" employs "lay" mistakenly as the present tense of "lie" which would serve this verse better as the rest of it is in the present tense.

2) I propose a reversal of the order of these lines. Instead of:


There's nowhere left to go: this road--
and all others--
lead to you.

consider this


This road--and all others--
lead to you.
There's nowhere left to go.

which is, I think, a touch more low key, a touch less overtly sentimental, than the version you present.

[Delta40]

I agree with everyone else EA. You really don't need the last stanza - everything else evokes so much more that it speaks for itself.

[everyadventure]

You guys give the BEST advice.
@Morpheus, I took out the first stanza... you were right, it propels the poem better!
@Mystyr: Why do I get the feeling that your next poem will feature a haunted ice cream truck? HA!
@Bar22 & Prince: yes, the ending was terrible. I took your advice about rearranging the lines, Prince, and it's a definite improvement. I'll sit on it awhile and see if perhaps it needs another ending altogether?

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your feedback!

[PrinceMyshkin]

It is better now although it was PRETTY DARNED GOOD before!

I neglected to comment on the power of these lines:


the steel carcass
of a junked ice cream truck

which say something mysterious about the past, that it does not last? that it is always susceptible to transformation into good or bad...that ice cream, and its associations with the hedonism of youth, does not, cannot last...

[Jerrybaldy]

Without a doubt my favourite Misadventure posting, I envisaged every word.

[MorpheusSandman]

Here's one more piece of advice, everyadventure: I'd write the first stanza like this:

Barreling down rutted dirt paths, I follow curves
and turns,
hoping to get lost so I can find
myself again.

I like opening with the present participle phase here, as "barreling down rutted dirt paths" has an immediacy to it that you miss when you open with the subject "I". It's especially a good phrase because the phonetics and syntax all work together with what it's describing ("barreling" rolls forward like the word itself, while the hard sounds and rhythm of "down rutted dirt paths" echo the action itself). I like the sharp cut of putting "and turns" on its own line, because the "curve" of the juxtaposed line lengths echoes the sense. I also like the splitting the third/fourth line at "find", because it separates the verb from the object, implying a disconnection between them (again, echoing what it's describing). Although, I'm not thrilled about "hoping to get lost", as "get lost" sounds rather clunky. I can't think of a good alternative though, as "hoping to lose myself" sounds cliche, and even more so when combined with "find myself".

I'm also not sure about "But there's nowhere to go in this small town". On the one hand, I like how the rambling nature of it seems to go nowhere itself, but I also think that shortening it would increase the sense of claustrophobic familiarity. I guess it's your call here, but it seems a bit too prose-like and cliche as is. I might also remove the "and" conjunction from the last line.