Screens

[Revolte]

I have been caged,
boxed in a world of screens
-televisions, windows, computers-
and now
I can't breathe,
I can't speak,
I can only stare.

[hillwalker]

A very controlled and effective piece of writing.

One senses agoraphobia - and the irony that many of the computer screens we are stuck in front of feature 'Windows'

H

[everyadventure]

Pull the plug!!

[Buh4Bee]

Hillwalker describing this piece precisely.

[AuntShecky]

Sometimes a really brief piece says a lot. I'd change "breath" to "breathe," though.

[Revolte]

Sometimes a really brief piece says a lot. I'd change "breath" to "breathe," though.

Ah thanks for pointing that out, I really hate that word. Damn the invention of the 'E'

[deryk]

It's a nice little room you've constructed.

I agree that it is very effective, however

"I can't breathe,"

was a little too physiological, a little too melodramatic. I would consider replacing it with an action that is more suited to voicelessness than death.

[Tournesol]

I love this poem! It's everything that's happening to us these days - the dumbing-down of people - and we don't even realise it. Actually, some people do realise, and they rather like the idea of not having to think on one's own.

But, like you, I think it's rather suffocating. There is a REAL world, and a REAL life outside of all these screens!

[MorpheusSandman]

In a piece this brief, every extra word and syllable stands out if unnecessary, and as strong as the content is, I think there are some judicious cuts you can make. I might edit like this:

I'm caged in screens
-televisions, windows, computers-
I can't breathe,
I can't speak,
I stare.

I'm not entirely sure about the "breathe" line, though. If you couldn't breathe, you couldn't live inside your cage. "Can't think" might be better, as it anticipates the "blank stare" of the last line. In fact, I might further edit to something like:

I'm caged in screens
-televisions, windows, computers-
I breathe,
don't think, don't speak;
I stare.