Log in

View Full Version : "The Action" and "The Motive"



RMckie
04-16-2011, 05:53 PM
Hi all, my names rob. I have never written anything before although i have always wanted to try. So here is a short story i was working on tonight - its a bit dark though

The Action and Motive (part 1 The Action)

By Robert Mckie

The sycamore tree provided little in the way of cover from the rain this evening, but rob didn’t mind, in truth rob didn’t even notice. His attention was focused on the door across the street, it was the third night he had spent crouched there, what lay behind the door was Charlie, Charlie had left Nottingham over 20 years ago and rob didn’t think he would ever get this chance again.

A large rain drop landed on his arm and made its way down his hand and onto the knife he held gripped within white knuckles. Rob scanned the building concentrating now on a first floor window and the new light within, two minutes later and the light went out. He knew Charlie was going to bed.

Like a spring rob leapt up and charged towards the door adrenaline bursting through his body, shoulder first he ran straight through. The door breaking into splinters, rob hit the stairs before the pieces hit the floor, leaping two stairs at a time. Heartbeats marking the passage of time, three beats at the top of the stairs, five beats along the hallway, eight beats into the bedroom, twelve beats and knife in hand. Rob quickly scanned the room, Charlie was already on his feet the shock of the unexpected shown clearly on his face, rob pounced forward sinking the knife into his pray.

Charlie lay on the floor eyes glazed, Rob knelt crying beside his body the expected easing of lifelong pain did not come. A blackness filled robs head, the world unnoticed picking up the knife he moved it to his arm. He felt the blade cut into his wrist, he felt it tear the flesh and whilst still weeping he smiled.

Release had come.

Delta40
04-16-2011, 06:14 PM
My problem here is that you're favouring commas over full stops. This means I am reading unecessarily large sentences which don't make grammatical sense from beginning to end.

His attention was focused on the door across the street, it was the third night he had spent crouched there, what lay behind the door was Charlie, Charlie had left Nottingham over 20 years ago and rob didn’t think he would ever get this chance again.

this should read:

His attention was focused on the door across the street. It was the third night he had spent crouched there. What lay behind the door was Charlie. Charlie had left Nottingham over 20 years ago and rob didn’t think he would ever get this chance again.

The problem of course is once the full stops are put in, the sentence sequences are a little too short. I suggest you consider editing the structure to improve the flow of the tale.

I do like the use of heartbeats as he runs up the stairs, which gives the piece the adrenaline rush you were hoping for. I'm looking forward to the next instalment.

RMckie
04-16-2011, 06:26 PM
Delta40, thank you very much for the advice and i think i know exactly what you mean. It has always been a problem of mine. Hopefully the more i write the more it will iron itself out.

Delta40
04-16-2011, 06:32 PM
I love it when stuff irons itself out!

hillwalker
04-17-2011, 06:16 AM
I think the short sentence structure works very well when describing action - from when Rob (capital R) breaks into the house. But when he's outside contemplating his moves and reflecting on his motives, longer sentences would be more fitting.

You might want to trim this a little as well -

The sycamore tree provided little in the way of cover from the rain this evening

The reader doesn't need to be told it was 'this evening' since it's obviously taking place NOW - nor do we need to know that 'Charlie left Nottingham over 20 years ago'. Presumably this background information played a part when you came up with the story, formed part of the scaffolding around which you built it. But once it's written it's time to re-read and edit - and take out any detail that fails to significantly add to the story or drive it forward.

H

chipper
04-18-2011, 10:46 AM
how many pages should a short story be? if it is single space, standard margins, 12 times new roman font?

hillwalker
04-18-2011, 10:55 AM
The question is impossible to answer.

Story length is usually based on word count

- flash fiction generally 500 words or less
- short stories anything up to 5,000 or even 10,000 words
- then come novellas (novels less than say 50,000 words)
-and finally novels.

But even these figures are quite arbitrary.

I'm just curious why you would ask such a question. It's a bit like asking how much should a novel weigh if it has been bound as a paperback.

H