PDA

View Full Version : Material Girl (picture book)



lmc71775
04-16-2011, 05:35 PM
Material Girl

Each morning when Sally woke up, she complained to her mother.

“Mom, do I have to wear this?” She asked, pointing to her white cotton blouse a size too big and her itchy pleated skirt.

Sally cringed at the thought of wearing her uniform. She hated the material and thought it was uncomfortable. “Mom please, can I wear something else today?”

“Sally, honey all the girls need to wear them,” her mother sighed. “It’s just for school.”

Sally hated the rules. If she had a say so, she would wear whatever she wanted. She day-dreamed of her huge rainbow-colored hat she got from the amusement park last year. She remembered all the fun times she had that day, riding the roller-coasters and eating blue and pink cotton-candy, wearing that hat.

Then Sally thought of wearing a scuba suit like the divers use on their diving trips. She remembered seeing them on T.V. as they swam with dolphins on a summer’s night. The suits look so tight and cool as if you’re wearing nothing at all, she thought.

Sally kept day-dreaming as she got ready for school. Slipping on her clothes, she thought of slipping on her ballerina outfit. She remembered when she had ballet class, learning how to jump and hop like a feather—just like the ones in her tutu, all purple and full of fluff.

As Sally ran downstairs she noticed her father’s leather jacket and thought of wearing that. That would be wonderful, she thought. Sally remembered all the bike rides her father would take her on—her hair blowing in the wind, feeling the brisk air touching her face. I would love to wear leather pants and a black leather jacket just like the biker girls do, thinking again how wonderful it would be.

After Sally ate her breakfast (chocolate milk and double-stuffed oreos) she packed her book-bag and wondered some more. She thought of all the times her and her friends would dress-up their dolls in beautiful dresses—red velvet and silky blue ones. That would be great to wear, I would just dance all day, she thought.

When Sally got to school, she put her things in the locker and sat down. Her scratchy pleated skirt rubbed at her knees as she squeezed in her toes and tried to remain seated. But Sally couldn’t help but squirm in her seat.

“Sally Spencer, please sit still!” the teacher called out.

“Sorry Mrs. Conner,” Sally said as her face turned all red.

Sally couldn’t wait for school to be over. After all the classes were done and the final bell rang, Sally raced out the door and headed home.

She zoomed inside the house and darted up the stairs to change her clothes and wear something more comfortable.

“Uniforms stink, it shouldn’t matter what we wear!” Sally said to her mother as she picked up Sally’s clothes off the floor.

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter what you wear, what matters most is,” her mother said, pointing to Sally’s heart then pausing for a moment. “Is what’s inside here.”

Sally seemed puzzled for a bit and thought of how big her heart was, then said. “You are right mom…my heart’s just the right size. It fits perfect.”

Delta40
04-16-2011, 06:21 PM
I like the connection of certain clothes in Sally's life with fond memories but I think the end was abruptly moralistic - I cannot imagine my daughter collapsing in agreement for no other reason than I said it. I would imagine Sally's Mum making that comment as she left for school. Sally would disagree with it and daydream over the memories and then some event or incident occurs in the course of the day which leads Sally to review what her mother had said that morning. Ultimately Sally would have one good memory of her school uniform thanks to a life lesson.

It is only an opinion of course and I was rather taken with the piece.

lmc71775
04-16-2011, 06:27 PM
Thanks Delta, I will try to soften the abrupt moral to it. Glad to get your critique and feedback.

hillwalker
04-17-2011, 05:42 AM
I agree with Delta - I loved Sally imagining wearing different items of clothing and the memories associated with them. But the moral at the end seemed to come from nowhere; as if the story had been tailored to reveal this rather lame ending.

'It's what's inside your clothes that matters, not the clothes themselves' might have been a better comment if mum has to have her say.

But all the same, a very enjoyable read.

H

lmc71775
04-17-2011, 09:02 AM
Thanks Hillwalker, as mentioned, I am working on the ending.

Question, on some of my other writing sites they say I which POV...which I don't think I am. I do say...I feel whatever, she thought. That's okay to do isn't it?

hillwalker
04-17-2011, 11:21 AM
There's no need to explain whose pov you are writing in on any of LitNet's sites. The reader should be able to figure it out for themselves.

In this one you're writing from the pov of the all-seeing narrator and it's perfectly ok to include the thoughts going through your characters' minds since you are also all-knowing.

You might consider posting stuff like this on the 'Short Story' threads rather than 'General Writing' since more members seem to visit there and you'll hopefully get more positive feedback.

H

lmc71775
04-17-2011, 01:56 PM
Thanks for the tip!