A Flip of the Coin

[the facade]

A Flip of the Coin

I on one side, you on the other -
for marriage we were forged.
But surely am I entitled as a lover,
to transcend the material
barrier which us devides in life
and cherish the touch of my destined wife?

Elevated in our youth,
we rough and tumble,
yet our hair's still smooth
though the breeze us rumbles.

A moment of uncertainty.

Gravity hts and our flight is depressed.
The breeze slaps our faces, weathered
by age, fearing we might fail
and like a rabid dog, the head chases the tail.

With a thump, we are cushioned at the very same height
where we once started, with one faced up, the other down,
fearing the victorer has trampled his better part.
Until the very hand, owner unknown,
who had let us play for a while, clenches his fist
and united at last are we, by the same ashen fingers that us enclose.

[deryk]

This poem has some nice sounds. I can't decide on the metrics, they aren't my forte. I think the lines are most effective when you use more concrete images to solidify the abstractions you're chasing in the narrative, particularly in the second stanza. When I discover "gravity" and "flight", the poem hits sort of a lull.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think you start with an interesting metaphor but get off track with abstractions and other images that don't seem to connect. What this piece lacks is a certain flow; it's stuck between the realms of the elliptical abstract and something more linear and narrative. The time in this seems to jumbled; the beginning makes it feel like you're married, but then it seems as if you're GOING to be married, then the second stanza seems as if you've gone back to your youth together. I'm also not sure how the hand that flipped you also unites you when you're caught again. The two sides always remain separate but united, so perhaps I'm missing the ultimate significance of the metaphor.

[the facade]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it and I'll review the poem based on your comments.

Take care!

[everyadventure]

I fear I got lost in the last two stanzas, but I enjoyed the rest of it. I especially liked the lonely line, "A moment of uncertainty."

[Delta40]

I get the impression this is a challenge/gamble with failing each other before marriage and the hand of fate flipping you like a coin and ensuring that you are bonded by the hand of marriage so you don't fail. Anyway it was a nice play with words.

[Bar22do]

An interesting poem about life long relationship... I got lost in the labyrinth of your last S, but perhaps it's because it's late at night (or early morning, actually) and my head doesn't work properly anymore... a moment of uncertainty feels like a bridge between the two parts of your poem. Well done! Best from Bar
(ve'hag sameah')

[the facade]

ea, delta and bar - thank you for reading and i'll give that last stanza another look!

Good day!