The Uberfly's Return

[paperastronaut]

The dancing insects covered the windowsill, jumbled limbs and stiff grins; everyone was pleased that the man in the center of the room was tied to his chair.

He was bound tightly with rope, from behind a false mirror men of the medical profession observed his face as it alternated from slack and tired to an eager but scared expression.

The man seemed to unwantingly awaken from a sound sleep, like a groggy man willing the morning hours to slow and reverse, he was coming to life.

His drool crusted lips and chin suddenly showed a devilish glimmer of a grin, quickly subdued, but shortly resurfacing, the frown battled the inner smile for a long moment.

Suddenly giving in, his face exploded into a stuttering scream; he leaned against the cords the bound him. Straining with his entire being, the mischief was interrupted by a momentary flash of anxiety, but the evil was to strong and the ropes soon burst!

To the ground, then reaching for some object that the scientist could not see. Tormented hands wrapped themselves around the nape of his stiffning neck; letting out a terrified scream that was swallowed by a lunatics shriek...

The white coats behind the window gave the signal and in moments four strong men had gone through the door and pinned the animal to the floor. They subdued him with heavy fists... he lay bloody and laughing below the men, with a strong drive to the sick man's chin the evil laughing ceased, and the injured man began to weep... he wept and gave his sincere thanks to the men standing over him.

His voice was haunted and shaking; he told the men that she had been too strong for him, without their help he would have been consumed... "Please don't leave me". "Keep her out, keep the blanchen face from me, I cannot do any of this on my own.... please don't leave me".

[hillwalker]

A nightmarish tale indeed.

I like the way you create an element of madness right from the start by focussing on the insects rather than the man or his observers.

It might benefit from a couple of tweaks though.

To begin with there are lots of sentences that include the phrase 'the man did this.... the man did that....'
In order to make the tale more interesting you need to vary the way you describe what's going on. As it stands it's rather like a list.

Also there's a lot of unnecessary over-writing - as if you've decided to add one or two extra words to press home your point when there's no need :

an unexpected and evil glimmer of a grin (why both?)

a long 60 seconds (a meaningless cliche - 60 seconds is 60 seconds. If you're trying to imply time slowed down you need a better way of saying so.)

a frightening, evil, joyous scream (again too many adjectives - the reader becomes unable to focus on any of them so is left none the wiser)

he leaned against the ropes that bound him to the chair (we already know he was tied to a chair from earlier in the story)

Straining with his entire body and soul (again - why both??)

some invisible object that the scientist could not see ('invisible' says it all)

swallowed by a happy evil shriek and the evil laughing ceased (excessive use of adjectives again - and 'evil' appears rather too frequently).

It shows promise but you seem to lack confidence in your ability as a writer (which is why you're throwing in so many extra descriptions). One of the most important qualities of a decent writer is to show trust in his/her readers. Give them enough credit to fill in some of the blanks for themselves.

H

[paperastronaut]

A nightmarish tale indeed.

I like the way you create an element of madness right from the start by focussing on the insects rather than the man or his observers.

It might benefit from a couple of tweaks though.

To begin with there are lots of sentences that include the phrase 'the man did this.... the man did that....'
In order to make the tale more interesting you need to vary the way you describe what's going on. As it stands it's rather like a list.

Also there's a lot of unnecessary over-writing - as if you've decided to add one or two extra words to press home your point when there's no need :

an unexpected and evil glimmer of a grin (why both?)

a long 60 seconds (a meaningless cliche - 60 seconds is 60 seconds. If you're trying to imply time slowed down you need a better way of saying so.)

a frightening, evil, joyous scream (again too many adjectives - the reader becomes unable to focus on any of them so is left none the wiser)

he leaned against the ropes that bound him to the chair (we already know he was tied to a chair from earlier in the story)

Straining with his entire body and soul (again - why both??)

some invisible object that the scientist could not see ('invisible' says it all)

swallowed by a happy evil shriek and the evil laughing ceased (excessive use of adjectives again - and 'evil' appears rather too frequently).

It shows promise but you seem to lack confidence in your ability as a writer (which is why you're throwing in so many extra descriptions). One of the most important qualities of a decent writer is to show trust in his/her readers. Give them enough credit to fill in some of the blanks for themselves.

H

Hill,
I laughed while reading your comments, some of the mistakes I made are so ridiculous and obvious! as always I appreciate your help.

-Oliver