The end of river

[dibyendra]

This silence portrays the bleak facet of truth
Your obstinacy crawls in my skin and bleeds
The feelings that pull me inside your fence
but the wings of my desires fly somewhere else

Your tender tears make me weak, o' maiden
The guilt that smeared your purity makes me insane
You couldn't read the coded map on my face
Lady, your delicate heart feels more than your brain

Your craving heart followed the river untiringly
and you were blind about where it was running
The emblems of truth are now present in its ambiance
that signify the river ends here and so does your journey

[tailor STATELY]

The end of river

This silence portrays the bleak facet of truth
Your obstinacy crawls in my skin and bleeds
The feelings that clutch me inside your fence
but the wings of my heart fly somewhere else

Your tender tears make me weak, o' maiden
The guilt burns inside and makes me insane
You couldn't read the coded map on my face
Lady, your heart works more than your brain

Your craving heart followed the river untiringly
and you were blind about where it was running
The embels of truth are now present in its ambience
that signify the river ends here and so does your journey

Enjoyed.

The lines: "You couldn't read the coded map on my face
Lady, your heart works more than your brain"
&
"Your craving heart followed the river untiringly
and you were blind about where it was running" were my favorites.

A number of suggestions:

Your title, perhaps better: The End of the River

A few typos, perhaps: embels ( embers ?, or emblems ? ) & ambience ( ambiance ?)

"The feelings that clutch me inside your fence
but the wings of my heart fly somewhere else"
seems disjointed to me somehow.

Much potential.

Regards,
tailor STATELY

[dibyendra]

A number of suggestions:

Your title, perhaps better: The End of the River


Yes, the title is now better! Thank you Tailor!



A number of suggestions:
A few typos, perhaps: embels ( embers ?, or emblems ? ) & ambience ( ambiance ?)



Thanks so much for your comment and your suggestions! I really appreciate that! I have updated the post with some corrections..



"The feelings that clutch me inside your fence
but the wings of my heart fly somewhere else"
seems disjointed to me somehow.


Do the words "pull" instead of "clutch" and "desire" instead of "heart" suit better? I really appreciate your opinion.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's a haunting piece that I think deftly digs under and gets into the dirty mechanics that constitutes relationships. Although, I think there are a few clunky lines, especially: "The guilt burns inside and makes me insane" and "Lady, your heart works more than your brain". Perhaps it's because they both rely on telling cliches that are out of tune with images and metaphors in the rest of the piece.

[dibyendra]

It's a haunting piece that I think deftly digs under and gets into the dirty mechanics that constitutes relationships. Although, I think there are a few clunky lines, especially: "The guilt burns inside and makes me insane" and "Lady, your heart works more than your brain". Perhaps it's because they both rely on telling cliches that are out of tune with images and metaphors in the rest of the piece.

Thanks Morpheus for your opinion about this piece! Perhaps I should consider on changing the lines that seemed cliche. I appreciate your opinion.

[deryk]

You do delve into cliches at certain intervals in this one, however, I think they give us a foothold into the narrative of the poem, and yet, I'm not sure if that is enough to keep them. You have a nice way of driving stakes without being too overwrought on a subject that generally is. The form worked for me as well.

[dibyendra]

Thanks so much Deryk for your comment! I'm glad that you liked the form. I tried editing the lines which seemed cliches but I am not sure if they look nice than before. I really appreciate opinions from everyone in this thread.