Newt

[hillwalker]

NEWT

A stained-glass meniscus;
an immutable membrane
between dreams of flight
and mute actuality,
between sparks of stellar escape hatches
and the banality of this waterlogged world.

Diamonds of ultra-violet
skimmed by scintilla of skittering insects,
their vibrations
flickering upon his hooded eyes;
zig-zagging closer
as another life form
crosses the quivering sky.

A torpedo dive
until mud settles; a shroud of safety,
pulse slowing,
gills like angel wings.

Breath and light and blood
feeding on the slow osmosis
of cooling currents,
bleeding darker thoughts
and fresh hunger into his veins.

Time is as perfect as birdflight
as he floats upwards and ponders his moment
as much
as the moment ponders him.

H

[Bar22do]

I love the unimposing, dark reflection of this poem. I think it doesn't need the last stanza, though. My preferred is S3, so vivid, it takes one in abruptly, under the settling mud.
Your poems always have a great respect of their audience.
Thanks for sharing. Bar

[Delta40]

I agree with Bar regarding the last stanza. I like the detail especially in S2.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think I see why Bar feels you could do without the last verse, but i feel that the whole of these last lines


bleeding darker thoughts
and fresh hunger into his veins.

Time is as perfect as birdflight
as he floats upwards and ponders his moment
as much
as the moment ponders him.


deepen the poem even beyond what you've established earlier

[qimissung]

I just love it

[tailor STATELY]

Delightful.

I enjoyed the ironic twist, as I see it, of the line "Time is as perfect as birdflight"

Best regards,
tailor STATELY

[blank|verse]

Quite a scientific approach to evoking this reptile hill: 'meniscus', 'membrane', 'ultra-violet'.

The repetition of 'mute' draws the reader's attention to its being a rhyming word with 'newt'. (But is 'scintilla' the plural of that word as well as the singular?)

It reminded me of a few things: the 'stained-glass' phrase of Gaudi's lizard at Parc Guell in Barcelona; the 'waterlogged world' of JG Ballard's 'The Drowned World' (and the modern front cover); and the ending of this year's winner of the National Poetry Competition (http://www.poetrysociety.org.uk/), so maybe you're doing something right? Also Robin Robertson's 'Lizard' from his collection 'Swithering'.

For me, the concentration on the scientific comes at the expense of the natural and visceral, and capturing the life of the creature. There are moments in stanzas 2 and 3 which come closer to this, but overall it remains a bit abstract.

[MorpheusSandman]

After the barrage of abstract images, which I think deftly captures the experiential life of another lifeform that we can only understand through our very humanistic intellectual filters, I rather like that you close on something more telling, but I think the problem is that what's told doesn't resonate as much as it could with the experience of the rest of the piece. What I really love, though, is the modulation between what BV described as the scientific and yet something more natural and visceral, perhaps even mystical and supernatural. I think it's the unique combination of terms we typically see in science with others that stretch our more imaginative, intuitive parts of the brain. You get a tennis match going between our ability to understand abstractly and feel directly, something akin to the direct experience of a reptile.

[hillwalker]

Belated thanks for all your kind responses.....

@Bar and @Delta - the poem is indeed able to stand alone without the closing stanza, but it would then be a different poem.

@Prince - thanks for supporting me on its inclusion. A little philosophising does no harm.

@Qim and @TailorS - I'm pleased you were able to enjoy this one.

@b|v - you never fail to inspire me with your astute readings - finding other poetry or images that chime with the piece under review. As for the step into abstract territory - it was my attempt to imagine the reptilian mindset having watched them closely one afternoon last summer. And yes - you caught me out with my misguided Latin twist on 'scintilla' - the plural is indeed 'scintillas.'

@Morpheus - thanks also for your feedback. It seems that subconsciously I managed to get the balance right, more by good fortune than technique.

H

[deryk]

I liked the grandiose leap from the microscopic to the near cosmic in the first stanza. I'm not sure I cared for the repetition of mute though. The second stanza was especially cosmic, it filled me with visions of Hubble captures being reflected through the subject. Maybe add an 'e' to scintilla for "extra" poetic license? Simply claim the word. More submarine evocation in stanza three that I enjoyed; "gills like angels" sounded too lofty at first, until I realized that some biological reverence was part of the procedure with this one (and ties fantastically with the end of the poem). Stanza four re-concentrates our thought currents nicely, but I disliked "bleeding darker thoughts", because it didn't seem to resonate with the rest of the poem (every other line of which, I thought reflected nicely like a chain of mirror-light). The last stanza is a nice finish, "Time is as perfect as birdflight" is an excellent line. Almost perfect. In disagreement to what others have said, I would actually consider removing/changing the two earlier lines and keeping the ending. It's a rare ascent. This is a great poem that combines science with the sublime, something I wish would happen more in our reality.

[AuntShecky]

I remember reading, somewhere over the last five or so decades, that there is an unwritten rule concerning modern poetry in which the poet is allowed only one multi-syllabic word per poem. Did you ever hear anything like that? I don't know if it's valid or not, but there are four of them in this one --"meniscus" "immutable" "osmosis"
and "scintilla" (root of "scintillate.") I'm not overtly criticising your choice, but I wonder if the first line would suffer if the word "crescent" were substituted, though I do see the consonance you were going for with the repeated "m" sounds.

Still, a creature as simple and elegant as a newt might -- I'm just saying--might be described with words with less of a scientific tinge--although "osmosis" works in the way you used it. If it were up to me, "osmosis" would be the multi-syllabic word that would make the cut.

Amphibians are known for the distinct stages of their development, like frogs beginning their lives as tadpoles (or the Am. regionalism "polliwogs.") Both in their structure and their habitat (land and water), "change" is the word most associated with amphibians. So I'm wondering about "immutable." (Unless it's deliberate
ambiguity.)

Ironically enough, the most powerful sections of this piece are the most realistic, non metaphorical ones, such as this:
A torpedo dive
until mud settles; a shroud of safety,
pulse slowing,
gills like angel wings.

Breath and light and blood
feeding on the slow osmosis
of cooling currents,
bleeding darker thoughts
and fresh hunger into his veins.

These lines are straightforward yet thoroughly evocative-- "torpedo," "mud," "pulse," "bleeding" and "veins."

[MorpheusSandman]

I remember reading, somewhere over the last five or so decades, that there is an unwritten rule concerning modern poetry in which the poet is allowed only one multi-syllabic word per poem. Did you ever hear anything like that? I know what you're referring to, but I don't think it was ever expressed as any kind of rule. It likely came from Eliot's fascination with Donne, who mostly used mono and disyllabic words and would then surprise you with one telling multi-syllabic word that tied a lot of things together, slowed you down, and made you think about it. I think you can get away with multi multi-syllabic words in pieces that are more elliptical and abstract--less so if you're writing more linear and coherently.

[Skia]

Sorry hill i have no 'full on' feedback. Just a few words.

BLOODY BRILLIANT!!

[MystyrMystyry]

Let me just say that this must have taken aeons of evolution to reach fruition.

EFTING EXCELLENT!!!


.

[hillwalker]

This poem seems to have generated a whole range of responses - keeping me on my toes as usual.

@deryk - thanks so much for your detailed feedback. I'm especially pleased you appreciated the ending.

@Aunty - thanks also for taking the time to read and comment.
This 'simple' newt was a valued source of inspiration - I became fascinated by trying to imagine its view of the world from below water. And it was already a fully grown specimen so its metamorphosis was immaterial in this instance. The lack of change or immutability was more a statement on its reptilian ancestry and its inability to achieve flight (despite its wish to do so).

As for this 'unwritten rule' - I must admit it's a new one on me, and had I been made aware of such nonsense it would have had no effect on the way I chose to write this particular piece anyway.
As you are no doubt aware from your own experiences, in many pursuits there are individuals lurking on the sidelines who sadly know better than us mere mortals and whose only purpose in life is to pontificate on correct form and technique while failing to create anything worthwhile themselves. I believe the Dalai Lama is quoted as saying one should only learn rules in order to know how to break them. But I digress, and as @MS points out there are exceptions to every rule.

And @Skia and @MM - 2 word responses are just as welcome. Thank you both.

H

[everyadventure]

Golly day. I read this when it was first posted, and kept thinking I should comment... but I'll be honest with you, I HATE NEWTS. The writing, as always, is superb, but I just can't make it past the subject matter... they give me the creepy crawlies!!

[kittypaws]

H ~ how do you do it....I mean write sooooo well; capturing the essence? I bet you sat on the banks and watched a newt, didn't you? Jotted down notes of what you observed and then rolled it over and over in your mind....Of course I would find this a favorite of mine since I am a child of nature. To me this is nothing more then a frog and his pond.

Thank You for sharing.

Ribbet…..

kittypaws

[hillwalker]

Ribbett back at you @kitty - and yes, it all began with observing them close up (but just playing with ideas inside my head rather than on paper).

And @ea - how can you not be fascinated by them? I'm not suggesting you give a newt a cuddle, but they're so graceful (almost serene) when underwater.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

No metaphor? That is just muddying the waters Hill. I now have to read and think it may be literal. As if you didnt make it challenging enough already :)

[everyadventure]

@hill: I am not fascinated by slugs either... anything slightly see-through and squishy is on my "icky list."

[hillwalker]

Well spotted @jerry - no hidden meanings in sight (must be getting soft in my old age).
And @ea - see-through? squishy? Perhaps you're confusing newts with 'jelly-tots'? (they're kiddies' sweets btw)?

H

[kittypaws]

Here is Tad as he first starts his journey....taken up at Zeus's field.

http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy299/kittypaws_jones/Nature%20Scenes/th_041910_11042.jpg (http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy299/kittypaws_jones/Nature%20Scenes/041910_11042.jpg)

and all of his next-to-kin.

http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy299/kittypaws_jones/Nature%20Scenes/th_041910_11041.jpg (http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy299/kittypaws_jones/Nature%20Scenes/041910_11041.jpg)

Adorable ~ no?

kittypaws