Driving to Midland for Thanksgiving

[deryk]

Driving to Midland for Thanksgiving

White clouds

white houses

white churches

white silos

white cars trucks and vans

white barbed wire fence rows

white dividing lines

white STOP signs.

White palms sweat white against the
white plastic receiver with the white sounds
of white voices, “Is she coming?”

“She can’t make it.”
White hesitation.
“Well, is she black or is she white?”

“I’ll see you Wednesday.”
-white click.

White lawns

white dresses

white china

white angels

white beds

white ziplocked turkey

white noise from white radio

softly, whitely ministering more white lies through white airspaces

white tissues blanketed in white snot as white as white oyster dressing

crushed under white cellophane garbage with my white tears and exasperations.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think the "white" repetition gets a bit strained and ineffectual towards the end. I think this would work better as a shorter piece, and I'd probably keep the whites to one-per-line.

[deryk]

Thanks MorpheusSandman, I think I was trying to make the "white" seem obscene, but it ended up as an obnoxious rant rather. I knew I was selfish with this one, solipsistic even. I think it would work better as a piece that didn't exist rather than a shorter piece. How do you write something purposefully ugly?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Once we get the idea - after maybe the 5th or 6th use of "white" in an unexpected connection - we read along like one of those bobble-heads.

[Delta40]

Deryk do you really expect me to know what solipsistic means...ok I got it.

Too much white and a very hard colour to seem obscene since it is so linked with goodness.

[MystyrMystyry]

If you replace the whites with blacks does it read the opposite?

If you've got a thesaurus you could randomly throw colours in and see what happens

[Jerrybaldy]

Well I enjoyed it. The whites worked on almost all occassions (white lawns I think it was I stumbled on), but I enjoyed the repitition and the rhythm it demanded. I particularly like white zip locked turkey.
cheers
Jerry

[deryk]

Once we get the idea - after maybe the 5th or 6th use of "white" in an unexpected connection - we read along like one of those bobble-heads.

Thanks Prince, ironically, I wrote this in the presence of my Edgar Poe bobble-head. Perhaps he was sabotaging me from beyond with his rubber spirit.


Deryk do you really expect me to know what solipsistic means...ok I got it.

Too much white and a very hard colour to seem obscene since it is so linked with goodness.

Thanks Delta, I certainly stacked the odds against myself. Maybe I'll think of a better device or simply not depend on one.


If you replace the whites with blacks does it read the opposite?

If you've got a thesaurus you could randomly throw colours in and see what happens

Well, that would add more subtlety to the effect, which seems to be the problem. It had crossed my mind, but I hadn't tested it yet. Thanks for the input MystyrMystyry.


Well I enjoyed it. The whites worked on almost all occassions (white lawns I think it was I stumbled on), but I enjoyed the repitition and the rhythm it demanded. I particularly like white zip locked turkey.
cheers
Jerry

I'm glad you enjoyed it Jerry. It does have its obtuse parts beyond the "white out" effect. I appreciate that you appreciate the rhythm scheme, it was very deliberate. It seems too much is too much though. Thanks for the input.

[everyadventure]

I liked it all, except for the last two lines, which I could do without.

But I was surprised by all the different connotations of "white" I discovered while reading this. The white clouds and white churches seemed peaceful, serene... contrasted with the anxiety of white sweating palms. The emptiness of the white "click," the disappointment stored away with the uneaten white turkey... I thought it was well done!