Web of Love

[sundarramchand]

Fishing in the deep,

Awash in the blue expanse of ocean and sky of heart and mind,I cast my nets and spin my web,

When suddenly amidst the reddish glow of the setting sun,

Something tugs at my heartstrings as never before

And suddenly, I find myself face to face with an almost mythical figure

Part goddess, part mermaid, part amazon, part beauty

All these parts forming a united whole, each necessary and indivisible

Like a sun breaking through the overcast clouds,

Her sunny smile breaks through my somber mood

And I smile back in return

She seems to be of the same element as the sun

I free her

Thinking

Which net can grasp sunshine ?

Kissing is an inadequate word to describe what we did

I feel sorry as she seems to bid goodbye .

For the first time in many years, I dream of someone

I lie looking at the expanse of stars in the night sky shining down on the vast expanse below.

The web-maker has been caught in a web of his own making.

She returns the next day and again the day after and again the day after.

I am at my happiest and live for each moment,

Feasting like a glutton on every moment.

She takes me on rides deep down showing me things about myself I had never known.

Then one day, she stops coming

And I wallow in the abyss of a depression that seems to be as deep as the marina trench in a night of the psyche that seems to be never ending

Then one day, just as suddenly,

As I reach the bottom of the abyss,

i see her fabulous legs clad in fishing net like leotards and like the bee or the moth

Impale myself against her lotus like flame reflected in her handsome face

But the lotus petalled nets become sails that uplift us

And I suddenly find myself,

I am sitting next to her,

She makes up for the hurt caused by her absence without explanations.

But she stays on this time.

These moments have the tender delicacy of a gossamer leaf like screen

Both veiling and revealing dimensions I had never known before

As the night drags on,

She seems to make ready to go.

I have this crazy impulse to ask her telephone number and address

When suddenly, she takes me along with her.

The sun rises again yet another day.

[Delta40]

I like the whole mermaid web theme. Some of your lines: Her sunny smile breaks through my somber mood, sit very nicely and others: She returns the next day and again the day after and again the day after, are a bit bumpy and need revisiting. Have you thought of setting the poem out in verse form?

[MorpheusSandman]

I'd echo what Delta says. I think the more specific your images and metaphors get, the better the piece is. I particularly liked: "i see her fabulous legs clad in fishing net like leotards and like the bee or the moth / Impale myself against her lotus like flame reflected in her handsome face -- but even those two lines are a bit too lengthy and wordy. So much of this reads more like a prose poem than something that should be chopped into lines. Also, why do you have stanza breaks after every line? It's a bit strange. Like every line is disconnected/stands alone from all the others...

[sundarramchand]

Thanks. If by verse form, u mean rhymes etc, I used to be able to write like that but it does not seem natural nowadays

[Delta40]

No I don't mean rhymes.

I mean the format of your poem

is a single line then a space

before you write the next line.

It affects the flow because this

format implies each line is stand alone

and not immediately connected to the next line.

This is not the case
so why not cluster the lines :grouphug:
into verse form

Consider the advantages
and appeal doing this
will have for your audience :smile5:

[Jerrybaldy]

I very much enjoyed and agree with Delta

[deryk]

Nicely played mermaid metaphor. It fit the very watery near-prosody and suggested a quality of aquatic solitude. At the best parts, as others have mentioned, it seemed to sort of shimmer.

[sundarramchand]

Thanks. I agree lines without a space would possibly be more appealing (except possibly for the case when u want to suggest a groupings at various levels without using the paragraph format which would make it a prose poem)

In connection with the mermaid metaphor, i suppose "a mermaid with human legs" would be more appropriate !!

[jajdude]

An interesting piece of writing.