Libera Me

[Bar22do]

Since no one (except Morpheus) seems to have noticed this second piece for my Petit Requiem (under construction) which I posted in my thread "At Times", here it is again, as a piece on its own.
I trust you'll read and comment.
Best to all,

Bar

Libera Me

Last dawn crushed the sky to pulp. Thin day
staggered on its sore heap from one hour to the next,
to a granite crag at the world’s end -
and only a glitter from its cataractous eye.

We sailed far and wide on the bridge of now,
swayed confused as we felt
the heaving breast of the earth -
like domed shells of turtles moving
beneath the earth’s crust.

Our terrified eyes bored for help
into stars’ delusive skirts,
or such they reflected

in our minds, who, aeons later, or before,
grasped there were no more,
there have never been,
days, dawns, us, eyes or end;
merely made up memories, fast erased,
a white dwarf's eyelashes’ fluttering.

[AuntShecky]

I did read the earlier verse, Bar, but I believe this is the first time I noticed that it was to be part of a larger work, Petit Requiem.

This later installment is impressive, but through the first couple of readings it strikes me as a tad abstract. I say "abstract" not because it lacks specific images (more about this in a bit) but because the syntax is a bit off-beat.

For some reason I can't wrap my feeble mind around exactly what actions the verbs are performing-- if they are indeed verbs and not past participles.

What strikes me most about this is the word choice.
My Latin is rustier than Aeneas's helmet, but I wonder if the "libera" in your title is intended as the verb in an imperative, as in "Retro me, Satani." I may be wrong but does your title translate as "Liberate me" or "Free me"? If so, I wonder why it's "libera" and not "liberare" -- then, again, my Latin's skills are moldier than the bottom shelf of my refrigerator.

"Cataractous" gave me pause -- but the word choice is spot on. I couldn't find the adjectival form of cataract in my ancient print dictionary; tapped the "Google" machine and your word was indeed listed, as well as "cataractal."

If puns were like extra base hits, cataract would be a triple! It brings to mind: a waterfall, flood (or deluge), plus the eye disease which is the one actually referred to in your line, which usually appears in a person late in life.

The use of "sparks" near the end of that first stanza /"strophe" is a neat contrasts. "Sparks" brings to mind another of the 4 elements --"fire" not water. Both as a verb and a plural noun the word "sparks" is a subtle prelude to what's to come.

The image of the bridge is good and "connects" (ahem) with the (implied) waterfall from "cataract." I don't know about the bridge of "now," although I realize the wish to establish the sense of the "present." The "swaying" --dangerous, precipitous -- contributes to a sense of impending peril.

The introduction of "turtles" was my favorite image, as in the old myths of turtles holding up the world, a la Atlas. "Excited" though, I don't know. I've seen quite a few of turtles in the "wild" (well, as wild as one could hope for in my neck o' the woods) I can't say that I've ever seen a turtle look "excited." I have, however, seen them when they're frightened.

The word "bored" bothered me. It would fit in the sentence as a verb, but as a verb it means "to drill." That would make sense in this verse, but "bored" makes this reader (me) immediately think of the past participle meaning a person affected by ennui, accedie, etc. Doesn't quite fit
with the vision of this poem, I don't think, as the verse is driving toward not disaffectedness but cataclysmic fear--

and driven home by the apocalyptic last strophe with its string of words negating/confirming concepts of time and eternity in a world about to burn out under the red giant that has become a "white dwarf."

Did I get any of this right?

Best to you always--
Auntie

[MorpheusSandman]

It's hard to improve on the analytical criticism that Aunt S. wrote above, but I already mentioned in the other thread how impressive this is! I can't wait to read the finished piece!

[Bar22do]

Thanks Auntie and Morpheus!

Auntie, it is a somewhat abstract piece, one to be felt (absorbed, sung???) rather than understood through the logic alone. It may be its weakness, for, as I said elsewhere, only accomplished writers/poets and who master a language completely can attempt to be efficiently abstract. But I tried within my limitations.

"Libera Me" is traditionally a part of Requiem (see http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/requiem/biography.html for Latin text and translation). It means "Deliver me" (in here, ... of my perceiving the existence as real; so it's a bit of intended misuse of that subtitle). I borrowed "cataractous" from the medical lexicon, I confess. Have compared the clouded, ending sun to an eye suffering from a cataract (one of the symptoms, in addition to blurred vision, is glitter impressions and perhaps "sparks" is not the best word choice indeed); the bridge is a boat's bridge, hence the swaying and uncertainty of what is thought of as present (now).
There is not a real peril, for it's all before or after or have never been...
Turtles: it's a tradition and a legend, so they could as well become "excited", tough perhaps "troubled" would fit better? ("frightened" would repeat "terrified", I tried to avoid repetition).
Like "boring" for oil, were the terrified eyes of my poem boring for help to hold, while aware it was vain. White dwarf's stage is one before the last, so the end is near...
I think you did get some essence of what the poem tried to express, though I understand - have expressed clumsily. The subject itself might have pushed you away, too... So I'm even more grateful for your honest reading and response.

Morpheus, thanks for returning, for reading again this piece and for having been in touch with what was in it to perceive... The continuation is under way, am working. Thanks for your willingness to read more.

Thank you both a lot, Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Bar
its been a while for you and I, your reposting and hand smacking of those who failed to notice your second piece seemed a good time to say 'Hi'.
So, 'Hi.'