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Sea in Side
04-05-2011, 05:50 AM
He propped his knee up under the wheel and cracked his knuckles; he knew the annoyance would wake her up and made sure he saw her eyes flicker before he spoke.

How did we get here?

The stress of driving through the night had become visible in blood shot eyes and tangible in sandpaper stubble. He grabbed his glasses hanging from the visor and rubbed the lenses with the bottom of his tank top, careful to blow off the sand without abrading the surface. He was sitting on his towel which was all but dry around the edges and vaguely damp under his fluorescent board shorts. He put on his glasses and noticed he had missed a couple grains still lodged between the frame and the lens. After a long pause she finally rustled from her semi sleep in the passenger seat.

Don’t tell me we’re lost again.

She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes, trying to bring the road map on her paper blanket into focus. She had slept with her bare feet on the dash with the seat reclined, a few grains of sand still grinding between her toes occasionally falling through and rolling down the vinyl ticking away the amount of patience she had left for this ‘little get-away’. She could see the cooler to her left in the back seat and checked for something to eat, hoping for fruit but finding only musty melted ice water and an apple core choking in a damp plastic bag.

You know that’s not what I meant.

Yeah, I know…

She let her voice smolder off, flowing out of the cracked passenger window, floating up into the trees lining the side of the road, settling like ash on the leaves after last night’s forest fire. She was sore, mostly from sleeping in an awkward position all night; she adjusted her weight…. It was early still and there weren’t many other cars on the road; she laid her head back and looked through the sun roof, letting her eyes glaze over as she watched the clouds, infinitely gray and uninterrupted. Eventually she realized she was focusing on two beads of water still clinging to the glass, barely hanging on in the head wind. She closed her eyes and waited until it was her turn to drive.

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She laid her head back and looked through the sun roof, letting her bright eyes fill with the blue sky, seemingly infinite and undisturbed by even a single cloud or disturbance, perfect. Her long legs stretched out like the road and possibilities ahead of them to her feet tanning on the dash. She used one foot to adjust the toe ring he had given her on their anniversary last year, hoping to wash out that tan line this weekend. She put her hand in his pocket feeling the warmth of his leg. After a short pause she reached a little deeper and pulled out a lighter.
He looked over his shoulder through his wayfarers and gave her a quick grin before turning back to the road.

Let me bum one too, baby.

(will be continued...)

Sea in Side
04-05-2011, 05:55 AM
Hey everyone! Not sure if anyone will remember me as I haven't been around in quiteee some time. I figured it was time to post something. Even though this particular piece doesn't have an ending I have a good idea of where they're going, I just need some motivation to write more. Open to constructive criticism :)

hillwalker
04-05-2011, 09:39 AM
It doesn't have an ending, but it's intriguing all the same. You've done a great job of capturing a moment in time and filling us in on some of the background by feeding us clues rather than by straightforward exposition.

I can actually smell the inside of that car..... that's how well you portrayed it.


My only suggestion would be to do away with the first line - since we don't need to know.

H

Sea in Side
04-05-2011, 10:18 AM
My favorite critic as usual! I'm still working with how I want to form my quotations but that line is intended to be the first thing he says which plays off of her "Don't tell me we're lost again". I'm going for a theme of being lost so they can "find" catharsis in the end. I can definitely see moving it or making it more obvious that it's a quote though.

TheFish
04-05-2011, 03:06 PM
The imagery is absolutely fantastic. The grains of irritating grains of sand on the man's glasses and between the woman's toes parallel very well what the characters are going through in this piece. The last line was especially powerful.

This will be be really good if you keep going with this, as long as you keep the writing as good as it is here.

Bluehound
04-08-2011, 09:07 AM
I really like this, I really feel the subtle non-argument going on under the surface which threatens everything,

"two beads of water still clinging to the glass, barely hanging on in the head wind."

Sea in Side
04-26-2011, 07:58 AM
Thanks guys, I really like that you get what I'm going for, here's an update. It's not much but my friend's therapist recommends baby steps ;)

hillwalker
04-26-2011, 08:14 AM
This is such a good read - 'languid' is the word that springs to mind. You've nailed the sensation of floating through a laid-back world with your two characters as fellow passengers.

It comes across as effortless - which is often the sign of something written with the utmost care.

Great stuff.

H

SilentMute
04-26-2011, 05:58 PM
@hillwalker--Hey! :smilewinkgrin:

@SeainSide--Excellent! You've changed your style a bit. I remembered that you had a rushed way of narration, and this is slower. This is easier to read, so it was a good change.