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kittypaws
04-04-2011, 01:12 AM
I was sitting at my computer viewing my nightly sites and watching a very lively thunder storm race across the skies. The lighting strikes were strong and vivid and the thunder roaring. Suddenly there was such a burst of lighting and a tremendous roar of thunder at the same time it made me jump in my chair, I could feel the energy of it on my skin and heard the car alarms going off on the street.

Scooter, my cat pounced into my lap and Zeus barked in fear. The rain was pelting down so hard it sounded like hail falling upon the house.

Moments later I heard a rumble in the street; I went to go see. My new neighbors were out with the fire fighters and their large hook and ladder truck shining the spot light up into a tree directly behind their home. Suddenly out of no where there was a second strike so powerful it lit up the entire room like daylight, appliances started to beep and buzz, the thunder that came with it rattled the house. My heart raced as this was not a normal storm yet still by the window I peered out and saw the tree behind my neighbors burst into flames. The fire fighters were racing to the hydrant, hoses whipping off their wheels, sirens screaming as more trucks arrived. My neighbors, Loren and Jason raced into their home, dragging their 7 and 8 year old children out behind them.

A tree trunk was hit and broke into flames almost instantaneous sending up a bright red flame then snapping off and falling upon their roof. I was amazed at how quickly everything happened….within a blink of an eye all was changed.

I stepped out onto my porch and before I knew it this became a very surreal part of my life.

The firefighters brought down the tree and quest the flames in the scrubs and remaining trees. The family stood in the middle of the cul-de-sac huddled together, the children crying, the rain pouring. Their roof breached by the fallen flaming timber. The fire fighters ended up soaking their roof and portions of the upstairs bedrooms as well.

I spoke up (now I do wonder where the other neighbors are?)
“Loren – Jason.” I said as I placed my arm over Loren’s shoulder.
“Wow.” That was all I could think to say at half past one AM and still kinda awake.
“Come on home with me. I have a spare bedroom and a sofa…not much but you cannot sleep there tonight.” I said nodding towards their home.

A fire fighter approached us and told them of a shelter they could go to for the night.

Loren turned and looked directly into my eyes,
“Would you mind? We won’t be any problem. We can even sleep on the floor.”
As we walked over to my home, Jason went back to check on things and I, Loren and her two boys moved into my home.

Scooter scurried away and Zeus was barking up a storm….looks like it will be a long nite and then some.

kittypaws ~ amandac

MystyrMystyry
04-04-2011, 05:29 AM
Interesting and well described with brevity Kitty - did it actually occur? It felt as though it had

If not an enjoyable subject matter (the house burning down) an enjoyable yarn -and believable

hillwalker
04-04-2011, 08:36 AM
This reads like a real-life report of an actual event so I'm guessing it's true and has just happened.

In which case it might pay a revisit - to tidy up a couple of 'off the cuff' comments written while your enthusiasm perhaps took over. Some of the unnecessary detail in retrospect doesn't really help the reader visualise what was happening.

I got a bit lost trying to figure out where Loren, Jason and the children were -

My neighbors, Loren and Jason raced into their home, dragging their 7 and 8 year old children out behind them.

and in the end, of course, this particular incident is not that important. They lost their home and you took them into yours and perhaps that's where the reader's attention should be focussed on next - how did you all cope with the crisis and what happens next???

H

AuntShecky
04-04-2011, 01:59 PM
It does read more like a personal reminiscence than a short story. The opening really wasn't bad at all; kudos to you for resisting the notorious "It was a dark and stormy night" chestnut "honored" yearly in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest and satirized over decades with Charles Schulz's Snoopy and his dogged efforts at creative writing.

In the body of your piece, some of the sentences could be combined and/or tightened up. Despite the dramatic situation, you might want to avoid banality and stating the obvious.

A promising effort,though, which undoubtedly will improve with revisions and rewriting.

kittypaws
04-04-2011, 11:56 PM
"did it actually occur? It felt as though it had ! by MystyrMystyry"


Yes MystyrMystyry, H and Auntie some of it did and I was at my writing tab moments afterwards as the adrenaline was still pulsing thru me. Your comment as well H and Auntie made me feel successful in relaying my experience. To me that is a start.

"to tidy up a couple of 'off the cuff' comments by H"


"some of the sentences could be combined and/or tightened up by Auntie"

I agree and will re-work this piece as there is a Part II that will follow.

Thank you for your input....I smile cuz at least I made you feel it was real which some of it was.

Should I repost the re-write or just edit what I have and if I just edit it should I reply that the post has been edited?

Sigh....and can someone tell me again how I get your quotes to appear in the boxes?

I know....I know.....pain in the a*s this one!

Smiles and purrs ~

Kittypaws

MystyrMystyry
04-05-2011, 12:08 AM
Hit the blue quote button at the bottom right of the person you want to quote

Just pm us that you've rewritten it and paste it over the original - no-one really wants to re-read the original if there's a better version available (though you may choose to keep it for yourself as a diary reference) That's what I'd do anyway - presuming that the (personal favorite) best bits will be included in the rewrite

Good luck!

hillwalker
04-05-2011, 09:34 AM
Yes - just edit the original and add a new 'reply' to tell us it's there.

As for putting anything in quotes - type [ then QUOTE then ] before the start of the text - and [ then / then QUOTE then ] at the end - and whatever text is in the middle will appear as a quote.

H