2 sonnets that I have written

[missabc19977]

Hello, I'm new to this site and I was wondering if someone could maybe tell me what they think of these 2 sonnets that I have written? Thank you! :)

The Eye of the Beholder

Thou art as ugly as a toad
Thou art an untutored lad
A winter's day compliments thy's load
And one thinks that it's rather sad
That when thou walks down the road
Thou doesn't stand but rather sags
And when thy comes back to thy's abode
One starts to feel very bad
Because thou has the most beautiful eyes
One wishes other people would see
And stop their terrified cries
Because thou catches one's heart when thou's with me
One wants thou to know that thou always has one's shoulder
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder


The End of the Tunnel

Thou art aggressive and strict
Thou doesn't let me do anything with my hair
Which results in a never ending conflict
Sometimes it can be a living nightmare
One wonders why thou never inflicts
Sometimes one thinks you're being unfair
But there is no other person I would've picked
Because thou is always there
Thou is the best mum found near or far
And one loves you very much so
Because your heart is warmer than any star
And just like them you always glow
And although we have our fallouts and we always fight
Thou always points me to the end of the tunnel to see the light

[YesNo]

I liked the messages of love you sent to your boyfriend and mother. That was very nice.

Just some technical issues, which you may ignore since I'm not an expert. I think it is "Thou art" rather than "Thou is". But even better, you could skip the "thou" and use "you". It sounds just as good today.

One thing about the old sonnets is that they were written in a meter called iambic pentameter. That means there should be 10 syllables per line and if you count the accents, there should be 5 of them in a pattern with one unaccented syllable and then one accented one.

However, this is the modern (postmodern?) world, so you can forget all these rules. Do whatever works to express your love, and use the past techniques for inspiration and ideas.

[Trollzane]

Very good work!

[Lokasenna]

Just some technical issues, which you may ignore since I'm not an expert. I think it is "Thou art" rather than "Thou is". But even better, you could skip the "thou" and use "you". It sounds just as good today.


Agreed. Unless you're actively trying to make it archaic, they just sound odd. Also, quite often you're getting the case wrong. For example, 'thy' is already in the genitive - it doesn't need an apostrophe-s. Also, you use it as an accusative as well, which would actually be 'thee'. Best get rid, in my opinion.

YesNo is also spot on about the rhythm - it needs some tinkering if you're actively pursuing a pure sonnet form.