Life to Lamentation

[JamesC]

Life to Lamentation

The cradle cry of nature’s nuisance
embraces your world of mixed reality,
where your place of procreation determines
your due destiny, to relentlessly relate.

Your gradual growth governed
by your parents prosperous parity.
Language lingers for your tongue,
when it finds it, freedom is forbidden.

You now develop your knowledge
through diction directed through discourse,
dictated by those who teach
the tirades of tempest speech.

Now as you enter the world of work
your upbringing unravelled before you,
your education enlists you
to be evermore employed.

Providing service through servitude,
solitude and silent subordination,
your rewarded through
the monetary manifestation.

Now you finish your final piece
hung within your hall of halls
you relax, for life laughs,
at your loyal lasting Lamentation.

[everyadventure]

I like alliteration as much as the next person... but it packs more of a punch in smaller doses. This much makes my tongue get tied in knots, and is kind of distracting from the content.

I like the word "enlists," the connotation being that this person is being signed up for more than he realizes...

[_Shannon_]

I also found the alliteration rather distracting and a mouthful.

But boy did I relate to "where your place of procreation determines
your due destiny"--but almost definitely not in the way you intended. LOL! You know, me having had 8 babies and all....

[JamesC]

I didn't conciously plan the amount of aliteration, but I feel it works with purpose of the poem.

[MorpheusSandman]

I actually think it undermines the content as well. There's a reason when Shakespeare wanted to parody poetry he engaged in excessive alliteration. I think a better way to do it is to mix it in with assonance and consonance and even some rhymes, pararhymes, and half-rhymes.

[deryk]

I agree with everyadventure on this one. When I first started writing poetry, I would over-indulge in similar sounds, simply because that was how my thought formation worked at the time. That's merely something I've had to consciously refine over time and practice. Some alliteration is a good thing, it makes the poem easier to read, but you have burdened the poem with so much of it, that I had trouble finishing my reading because I ended up concentrating on the assonance and consonance so heavily. I thought the poem was trying to make a statement about it. It really kills an otherwise perfectly readable poem.

[MorpheusSandman]

It should also be mentioned that it's not JUST the aliteration but the aliteration in combination with the grammatical patterns, like the frequent adjective/noun. Either one can kill a poem if used too much, and when you put them together it's overdone even faster.