Hi I'm new here's a poem :)

[angelsoctober]

I’m from a place where the sun shines bright
The lasting days work though the night
The living dead trudge off to work
The boss kicks back with a greedy smirk
The children learn in factories,
The students buzz like honey bees
You HAVE to get the answers right
You MUST or else the teacher might
Tear out their hair their teeth their eyes
Slam down a book and scream and cry
But didn’t you say
Just do your best
Just try...

I guess that’s a lie...

I’m from a place that’s different from me
The things I notice they cannot see
These plastic people burst with passion
Emotions are the latest fashion
Sometimes I wonder if they are real
I wish I knew the way they feel
It seems like they’re drowning in shallowness
Maybe ignorance really is bliss
And shallow minds aren’t hard to find 'cause everyone’s the fuc*ing same

[tigermoon]

I thought it was really strong, and it rhymed well without putting strain on the meaning. However, the last line sort of ruined it for me. You had really good rythm up until then, but there are too many words. Maybe you could find a way to make it fit a little better. I really like that it doesn't rhym though because it supports your main idea.

I'm sort of new here too. =] It's been a while since I've posted.

[angelsoctober]

@tigermoon I see what you mean about the last line, I guess if I were to read it to you it might be different, I'm using this in a poetry slam workshop next Wednesday. :)

[Delta40]

You know I thought this had a really strong tempo - similar to nursery rhymes (the first stanza could be recited to a child) but I get it too if it is slam poetry. The end sounds out of place to me as well. I don't know alot about slam poetry but I will assume the lyrics of songs never read quite as well on paper as they do sung and so it might be with this new form of poetry.

[everyadventure]

I think all you need to do about that last line is put in a line break:

And shallow minds aren't hard to find
cause everyone's the ****ing same.

Nice twist, that non-rhyme. Thanks for sharing.