Edit a Poem

[Delta40]

I love the diverse views and tastes of Lit-Netters. I want to give folk the opportunity to physically edit a poem rather than critique it. I'm hoping discussion will ensue amongst us.

I'll start with my recent post Lavendar Brown but feel free to post your own for editing.


Lavendar Brown

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I exhale smoke.
A lavender bush turns brown
and a butterfly drops dead.
Rain washes its sodden wings
into the swirling debris.

A child splashes in the puddle
and gets her dress dirty.
While an old man ponders life,
an angry resounding smack
makes the bus timetable quiver.

Here comes the bus
winding through a pother of cloud.
Grey, fluffy haired women
highlight the journey with prattle.
The driver is addicted to online porn
and looks forward to knock off.

A desperate Someone please save me!
disembarks near the gardens.
An early morning riser walks past,
confused and alone.
She smokes and exhales her grief
over the loss of a job.
A lavendar bush turns brown.

[hillwalker]

Lavender Brown (The Hillwalker Variation)

As I exhale
my smoke turns lilac brown,
a butterfly falls dead on sodden wings,
swept down by summer rain into the swirling flood…..

where children’s laughter splatters
over grubby dresses,
leading one old man to ponder life;
the irritable smack
making the bus timetable quiver….

seven minutes late
his ride appearing through a kiss-curled fug of cloud
where grey bouffants of fluffy women
punctuate the journey with their home-permed prattle
while the driver
hooked on online porn
looks forward to the knock off….

‘til a desperate someone
pleading to be saved
chooses to disembark outside the gardens
where an early morning riser takes a stroll;
confused, alone,
chain-smoking sorrow and exhaling grief
over the loss of yet another job,
her smoke rings turning lilac brown…..

H

apologies Delta - lilac seemed to fit the meter better than lavender......

[Delta40]

I love it! I like the pace of it - the transitions are alot more smoother too. Bouffants and punctuate are just the right words, I think.

[deryk]

I
She exhales smoke.
A lavender bush turns brown
and a butterfly drops dead.
Rain washes its sodden wings
into the swirling debris.



II
A child splashes in the puddle
and gets her dress dirty.
While an old man ponders life,
an angry resounding smack
makes the bus timetable quiver.



III
Here comes the bus
winding through a pother of cloud.
Grey, fluffy haired women
highlight the journey with prattle.
The driver is addicted to online porn
and looks forward to knock off.



IV
A desperate Someone please save me!
disembarks near the gardens.
An early morning riser walks past,
confused and alone.
She smokes and exhales her grief
over the loss of a job.
A lavendar bush turns brown.


Very simple, very obvious breaks and I removed the first-person from stanza I. I think opening with "I" calibrated my expectations rather sharply for a continuity of perspective. It dulls it a bit though...

[Delta40]

thanks Deryk. So you think all it needed was obvious breaks. I can see how it removes that disconnectedness yet still retains the flow of a poem. It does read better with the first person removed and perhaps through the breaks gives the reader a chance to adopt a different perspective for each stanza. Feel free to edit Hill's version!

[deryk]

Brown Lavendar


i
As she exhales
her smoke browns lavendar,
a butterfly falls dead on sodden wings,
swept down by summer rain into the swirling flood


ii
where children’s laughter splatters
over grubby dresses,
leading one old man to ponder life;
the irritable smack
making the bus timetable quiver


iii
seven minutes late
his ride appearing through a kiss-curled fug of cloud
where grey bouffants of fluffy women
punctuate the journey with their home-permed prattle
while the driver
hooked on online porn
looks forward to the knock off


iv
‘til a desperate someone
pleading to be saved
chooses to disembark outside the gardens
where an early morning riser takes a stroll;
confused, alone,
chain-smoking sorrow and exhaling grief
over the loss of yet another job,
her smoke rings browning lavendar

Yet another chimerical variation.n The breaks are more interesting now if nothing else. Self-conscious, maybe.

[Cunninglinguist]

A reinterpretation; Not an edit :D :

I exhale brown cats and dogs
And a purple bush turns to smoke;
Evaporates. And a drunk butterfly
Pees on his wings and falls into the swirling
Debris.

A child splashes in a puddle
And gets it dirty
While life ponders over an old man.
A loud smack makes the timetable
Quiver.

The winding bus came through the cloud
Of time. Gorgons highlight their
Journey with nonsense chatter. The licentious Driver
(Addicted to online porn) is
Stone.

A desperate Someone please hoard me!
Disembarks near the Gardens.
An quadrangle lady walks past, exhales brown,
And a purple bush turns to
Smoke.





I like this idea of communal poetry. What can come of it? The possibilities are endless!

[Delta40]

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

[MystyrMystyry]

...Moved By Request...

[MorpheusSandman]

I may be adequate at criticism, but I'm terrible at editing, so I think I'll respectfully decline! Of all those posted, I like Hill's.

[Delta40]

They are all unique.

[everyadventure]

Yeah, those are cool. Such a variety of flavors... (why am I suddenly craving ice cream?)

[_Shannon_]

I have nothing to add, but I love this thread!

[Jerrybaldy]

I am with Morpheus, except I also stink at critque :D

[Delta40]

Everyone feel welcome to pen something to get it rewritten/edited by others!