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hillwalker
03-29-2011, 08:40 AM
MICROCLIMATE

The room was ostensibly the same as when Helen had left it. Humidity 40%, air pressure close to 1270 millibars, temperature 18 degrees Centigrade.

I sniffed the atmosphere for any lingering signs. One occupant consumes less oxygen, and exhales less carbon dioxide and nitrogen, than two. I perceived no change. Yet somehow I could sense the space created by her impromptu departure had not been quick to fill with molecules of available air.

Our furniture remained in situ. The faded brown sofa bed retained the gentle imprint of her thighs and buttocks angled towards the plasma TV. The coffee table, strewn with colourful coasters, an empty coffee mug, a menu from the local Vietnamese restaurant and a prescription for contact lenses. It also withheld a hand-written letter in a familiar scroll.

I studied the map of the mint green carpet. A single footprint suggested the position she had selected for sitting; one bare foot planted on the floor, one leg crossed over the other. But no prints led left or right. No tracks to signify her mode of exit; door or third-floor window.

There is only a narrow patch of sky visible from this apartment. Slotted between the twin blocks of the Curzon Hotel. If I slide behind the corner sofa and press my face against the pane I can see it. Five oktas of cloud; cumulo-nimbus, tinged pink this close to November sunset.

A blonde spider-web spans sill to sofa. My breath condenses on the cold glass. I pause for a second before wiping. Pause in case I might inadvertently erase her lingering reflection. Then smearing a finger I expose the swatch of sky, turning bloodier by the minute. Trenton Street seems such a long way down.

I don’t hear the door open as a gust of her memory enters.

She manoeuvres each foot from its expensive shoe and pads across the floor. She looks as if she has lost weight; quite plausible given the circumstances. Not much else has changed. A cushion to plump up. An empty coffee mug to transfer to the kitchen. The air swirls in a drowsy anticyclone as she passes from room to room wafting my words to the floor. Crumbs on the carpet are plucked and discarded. A stray blonde hair on the back of the sofa is noted and her face tries on a frown for size but it will not fit.

She pushes the corner sofa a few centimetres closer to the radiator. The dusty heel-print from my brogue is wiped from the sill with the tips of her fingers. It barely registers on her radar.

H

Delta40
03-29-2011, 08:54 AM
I was thinking of some geeky scientist trying to deduct what happened to his girl. You change the tense in this story and I am not sure whether it is intentional or not. It is not completely notable on account of the fact that all of it is interesting. I especially like:

I studied the map of the mint green carpet. A single footprint suggested the position she had selected for sitting; one bare foot planted on the floor, one leg crossed over the other. But no prints led left or right. No tracks to signify her mode of exit; door or third-floor window.

The suggestive nature of what is truly absent makes that presence more felt than if you had written 'she wasn't here'

DocHeart
03-29-2011, 01:18 PM
Sometimes I'm still taken aback by the sheer quality of the writing I read on this site.

Hillwalker, your story consists of well-chosen words only, arranged with geometrical precision, so how you manage to come up with such an infuriatingly vague story is beyond me. Meanings change smoothly, but they differ from each other to the point of contradiction.

Where are you taking us with this? Are we to laugh or cry? But I suspect you choose to leave that up to the individual reader and their personal interpretation.

My respectful congratz.

Regards,
DH

sweety
03-29-2011, 01:26 PM
Very intriguing, I don't know if I got it right, but I think Helen is still alive and the narrator took a dive (leaving a suicide note behind) .
Fantastic piece of writing!
S

hillwalker
03-29-2011, 01:34 PM
Very intriguing, I don't know if I got it right, but I think Helen is still alive and the narrator took a dive (leaving a suicide note behind)

The bouquet goes to @sweety - well spotted.

And @Delta and @DocH - thanks also for reading and commenting. It was intended as a bit of a puzzle rather than just a story.

H

Steven Hunley
03-29-2011, 02:59 PM
I get it. It's in the last paragraph. I missed it. But with the tip-off it all makes sense. You clever-boots you!

hillwalker
03-29-2011, 03:07 PM
Thanks @Steve - elementary my dear Hunley.

H

AuntShecky
03-29-2011, 04:39 PM
Does the narrator have (or did he have) really tiny feet? I ask that because it takes more than a mere rubbing with the fingertips to remove scuff marks in the habitat of yours fooly. Then again, we might have really, really dirty feet 'round here.

I'm no great fan of the passive voice, as it (usually) detracts from the urgency of a piece. Here it serves to underscore something that has already happened to someone, by someone else. The narrator seems to have his hands tied, in a sense, as he doesn't describe any of his own actions. Maybe he has already shuffled off this mortal coil.

He does, however, retain the ability to take measurements in his microcosom. So if he's dead, at least some kind of consciousness is still going.

Maybe he's a ---robot! (Hence, the tiny feet.)

All this is to say that I can't figure it out. Maybe that's your intention.

But at least it isn't a cut and dried plot driven piece or (even worse) a formless mass of abstractions without any perceptible human characters doing anything and saying even less.

Above all, instead of "telling," the story "shows" (even though this reader hasn't the slightest idea of what the hell she's seeing.) It has me pondering, wondering, scratching my head.

for all of that ^^^ I applaud you.


P.S. I think the skirt pushed the fella out the window.

Jack of Hearts
03-29-2011, 04:48 PM
Is that old Hill with another story?





J

hillwalker
03-29-2011, 05:25 PM
@Jack - it is..... ('old' indeed) - and @Aunty - the narrator is the ghost of the husband (who, having been caught in an assignation with a blonde, left a suicide note then jumped) but for the first half of the story you're meant to think perhaps he's the survivor of someone else's demise. The clues are all there if you look closely.

As for shoe size, well..... not a major issue in the plot. :-)

H

kittypaws
03-29-2011, 09:16 PM
H this was very intriguing and I like the fact you had made it more then a story; well it is a story but like a mystery of who done it and what did they do and we didn't even know it was a mystery! I personally didn't notice the change in tense....but heh, you know me and tenses!

I enjoyed it ~ write some more for us!

kitty

sweety
03-31-2011, 11:21 AM
Gorblimey Hill, you shouldn't have....., what an enormous bouquet :blush5:!!

I'm "overwhelmed."

S

hillwalker
03-31-2011, 12:47 PM
:redface:

Oh, it was nothing.....

H

_Shannon_
04-02-2011, 08:44 PM
Egads, man...you blow me away so consistently. I just want to thank you for writing.

hillwalker
04-03-2011, 02:14 PM
Thanks @Shannon (and @kitty - sorry I somehow overlooked your kind comment earlier) - glad you both enjoyed this.

H

Sea in Side
04-05-2011, 06:05 AM
Is there a good name for this style of writing because this is exactly what I aim to do with each and every piece. I loveee the use of vivid and specific details while leaving the larger picture a little harder to decipher. Great job as usual H, glad to see you're still here.

hillwalker
04-05-2011, 09:44 AM
Thanks @S+S - it's an attempt at microfiction (any piece of prose less than 500 words) which I have been experimenting with for the past few months.

It's quite difficult to get to grips with since my short stories generally tend to go on and on. But it's a good discipline - forcing you to pare everything down to the bare minimum and discard many of the elements one would expect to find in a conventional story.

Again, thanks for the comment and good luck with your own attempts.

H

Sea in Side
04-05-2011, 10:21 AM
I wasn't referring so much to the length as the choice of description and omission of details. Not necessarily a name for the style but more of a literary tool I suppose.

hillwalker
04-05-2011, 10:33 AM
Err - I'm guessing if you're restricted to a particular length you will end up writing in a fairly unadorned style since every word has to earn its keep. It's a bit like writing haiku I imagine - the discipline focusses the way you use description or action or dialogue to such an extent that anything superfluous is left out.

There are a few sites on the net that support flash fiction and it's fascinating to see the variety of material people come up with.

As for the 'literary style' - it's close to reportage (in some ways similar to Kurt Vonnegut who perfected his style in journalism where editors are prone to chopping off anything that overruns the limit set for that particular article).

H

MLHForster
05-03-2011, 04:46 AM
I enjoyed this piece.

hillwalker
05-03-2011, 09:05 AM
Thanks @MLHF for taking the trouble to exhume this one.

H

Joe and Karen
05-03-2011, 11:06 AM
Perhaps when we have time we'll comment further. But for now, we'll just say that we enjoyed this piece of "microfiction" and you have inspired us to give it a try as well