Wasted

[hillwalker]

WASTED

I hunger to be dissolute –
I crave the messages your skin transmits;
the hints of lives yet to be lived,
of pasts long wasted,
signs that show the way towards that slow unravelling.

Casting nets for lustfulness
I catch your sleepy eyes;
bagged, drooping, pin-pricked;
violet shadow crayoned in,
two pouts of sallow skin
unmade-up,
creased within a jaundiced shell of luminescence.

Loose strands of black, skinned back,
a knitted tube dress low below the knees.

That curl of mouth,
crammed tight to overspill
with surly words and possibilities;
breath rancidsweet with drink
(ingested through a bendy straw).

I swell inside,
remembering goodnight kisses
planted on a sober cheek.

H

[Delta40]

You write poetry that I am unable to give justice to Hill. I'm glad you're still around. I love the second stanza. You're eye for detail is remarkable.

[Jerrybaldy]

Mythical... as I was saying Hill.
To second my good friend Delta, it is very good to see a Hillwalker production once again grace these walls.

A wasted, one time love? A woman you would like to lust after in her current incarnation, but can only remember the lady she used to be? I felt I could see this raven haired nightmare.
cheers
Jerry

[PrinceMyshkin]

That sober cheek comes as a shock and requires one to dwell on what may have been omitted from this passionate history.

[everyadventure]

My oh my oh my. Restrained brilliance. I am in the habit of quoting a favorite line or two by way of kudos... but I would have to quote the entire thing, as there is not a line, a word, a breath out of place.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think your own word, "rancidsweet", well describes the contradictory tone of the piece. It's vivacious but weary, lustful but restrained, anxious but resigned, present but wistful. I love how you play with expectations, from the erotic-tinged first two lines to the angst that ends the first stanza, to the rather withered descriptions in stanza 2, to something more playful and sly in stanza 4, to something rather sweet in the ending. It's damn-near masterful, hill.

[everyadventure]

I think your own word, "rancidsweet", well describes the contradictory tone of the piece. It's vivacious but weary, lustful but restrained, anxious but resigned, present but wistful. I love how you play with expectations, from the erotic-tinged first two lines to the angst that ends the first stanza, to the rather withered descriptions in stanza 2, to something more playful and sly in stanza 4, to something rather sweet in the ending. It's damn-near masterful, hill.

Yeah, what he said! :iagree:

[Hawkman]

This is powerful stuff, hill. I'm left with an impression of someone trapped in a relationship with an alcoholic, remembering beginnings as they stare at the present reality. A very clever peice of writing, masterful in understatement, yet depicting scenes and emotions with admirable economy. Bravo.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

While I don't want to sound like a broken record here (to use a cliché more familiar to those of us who've spun around the turntable for a while)-- once more I have to say that what works in good poems generally and in this one particularly is specifics rather than abstractions. Although the theme of this piece has had many replays-- a lover's declaration to his beloved -- the aforementioned specifics differentiate it from other poems on that same topic.

The only false note or ("scratch on the vinyl") is this line:
creased within a jaundiced shell of luminescence.
The multiple syllables (especially in luminescence) slow down the inherent rhythm. "Creased" has affinity with the its preceding lines , but "jaundiced" and "luminescence" seem come from an aloof speaker different from the original one, the lover who wants to be ecstatic with Love (with a capital "L") despite his ambiguity over the
lady's blowsy appearance, illusions transformed,
a la Dulcinea.

[Bar22do]

Your poem humbles me, its art shines and the acting mastery build a deeply moving, complex picture of sorrow, passion and eternity of a relation... I can only add my voice here to praise your talent and work!
With best regards, Bar

[hillwalker]

@Delta, @ea and @Jerry - thanks so much for your kind words and warm 'welcome back' (though truth be told I was never far away - just preoccupied)..... and @JB - 'raven haired nightmare' was not exactly what I had in mind since it's a love/lust poem of sorts to a beautiful lass who has a rather self-destructive relationship with drink.
@Prince - the sober cheek of course is mine.
@Morpheus - welcome back to you also, and such an astute reading makes me feel truly humbled.
@Hawk - again thanks, and as stated above not so much 'trapped' as stuck on the sidelines watching a young, precious life go to waste.

Thanks all for your generous responses.

H

[hillwalker]

@Aunty - thanks for the read, and I understand the point you are making (though jaundiced was intended to signify skin colouration rather than mood) - and the line was extended in order to decelerate the piece before picking up the pace again as we see her on yet another binge.

@Bar - thanks for such kind words as always.....

H