Lavendar Brown

[Delta40]

I exhale smoke.
A lavender bush turns brown
and a butterfly drops dead.
Rain washes its sodden wings
into the swirling debris.

A child splashes in the puddle
and gets her dress dirty.
While an old man ponders life,
an angry resounding smack
makes the bus timetable quiver.

Here comes the bus
winding through a pother of cloud.
Grey, fluffy haired women
highlight the journey with prattle.
The driver is addicted to online porn
and looks forward to knock off.

A desperate Someone please save me!
disembarks near the gardens.
An early morning riser walks past,
confused and alone.
She smokes and exhales her grief
over the loss of a job.
A lavendar bush turns brown.

[deryk]

This poem has the most remarkably defatigable tone I've read in a while. I feel like the speaker is just ready to dump chemical waste across the landscape. The action is elliptical and contaminated and dross. Deadly combinations and adhesive images! Time to grab my bulletproof umbrella!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Way to reinforce my decision to quit smoking! Great movement throughout this.

[everyadventure]

Wow. This makes me want to kill myself.

Well done, Delta.

[MorpheusSandman]

Perhaps the best I've read from you, Delta. The images are consistently strong and I love the combination of the slightly surreal and depressingly realistic. My only suggestion would be to perhaps find a way to tie them together a bit more. There's a little disconnection, but when the pieces are this strong it's hard to criticize too much.

[Delta40]

Perhaps the best I've read from you, Delta. The images are consistently strong and I love the combination of the slightly surreal and depressingly realistic. My only suggestion would be to perhaps find a way to tie them together a bit more. There's a little disconnection, but when the pieces are this strong it's hard to criticize too much.

It does feel a little awkward - as if I just threw a jumble of statements together and posted!

[Jerrybaldy]

I agree with Morpheus. It is one of my favourites Delta. Strange that you say above about throwing a jumble of statments together, when I was just thinking that one of its strengths is the flow throughout, from lavendar to bus stop to bus to disembark and back to lavendar.

I did momentarily see 'knock one out' instead of 'knock off', owing to the previous line :)

I like pother, it is new to me and I will put it in my pocket and take it with me .

Great stuff Delta
Jerry

[Delta40]

There is a certain sequence to the poem.

[Hawkman]

A good depiction of a cycle of despair, though not one individual's, rather life in general, and I particulalry like the implication of a reversal of the butterfly effect :D good poem Delta.

Live long and prosper - H

[hillwalker]

The images although seemingly disconnected suggested fall-out to me (from life? from some invisible cloud of despair? from something as sinister as Fukushima even? - it matters not).

Very effective.

H

[Delta40]

The images although seemingly disconnected suggested fall-out to me (from life? from some invisible cloud of despair? from something as sinister as Fukushima even? - it matters not).

Very effective.

H

In what way do you think the images are 'seemingly disconnected' Hill

[deryk]

In what way do you think the images are 'seemingly disconnected' Hill

I think it's the opening subjects on each stanza. Personally, I can live without the transitions. Also, Lavendar Brown sounds like a funky codename for a top secret chemical agent.

[Delta40]

I think it's the opening subjects on each stanza. Personally, I can live without the transitions. Also, Lavendar Brown sounds like a funky codename for a top secret chemical agent.

lol. I thought some female rapper from the hood might use Lavendar Brown as a stage name....

Don't you think the transitions take up a large chunk of the imagery? I mean to cut out the first lines of each stanza is pretty much axing half.

[deryk]

lol. I thought some female rapper from the hood might use Lavendar Brown as a stage name....

Don't you think the transitions take up a large chunk of the imagery? I mean to cut out the first lines of each stanza is pretty much axing half.

You're walking along, you see a scene, you get on the bus, you overhear something. Seems easy enough to me. All you can do is reinforce what the speaker's relationship to the images are. But like I said, I don't have a problem with it.

[Delta40]

I'm often torn between not enough thought and too much thought. Perhaps I should have framed the poem so that the reader feels that it isn't one set of eyes writing this. Each transition is a shift to another perspective.

Me, a child, an old man, an angry mother, old ladies, a bus driver, a depressed person, a grieving person.

Man I HATE second guessing my own work!

[deryk]

Oops! I hate misreading, whatever the cause. If you're changing speakers every stanza, you might want to provide some kind of denotations, like symbols, numerals, etc. I think the audience will first assume that they are the same chapter of sight.

[Delta40]

Thanks Deryk. I've started an Edit a Poem thread and invited Lit-Netters to edit the piece as they will as well as post their own if they choose because I feel some good discussion could arise concerning what works for different people and what doesn't. If you're interested, hack away!

[hillwalker]

The inidividually observed characters are disconnected from each other in the same way as people you meet on the street each exist inside their own microcosmos - but it wasn't distracting in any way so don't change a thing!!!

H

[Delta40]

The inidividually observed characters are disconnected from each other in the same way as people you meet on the street each exist inside their own microcosmos - but it wasn't distracting in any way so don't change a thing!!!

H

ok. I just created an Edit a Poem thread only because I love all the different reviews and would enjoy seeing a poem moulded and reshaped continuously in ongoing discussion. Care to give it a try Hill?

[hillwalker]

For better or worse it's done.

H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hill. Your own distinct voice is apparent throughout.