At times

[Bar22do]

I developed this a bit and your feedback is welcome!

Even If, At Times,

Dies Irae rips the sky’s quilt
and a rust brow sows dandruff
upon exhalent times,
men, inured to wrath, ever harden -
terra cotta soldiers, staid.
And remiss of signs.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This will take (and deserves) several more readings. Thus far it appears to be the distillation of a much longer thought-process and deep, severe sadness, and the economy of it is extraordinary.

[blank|verse]

This one is as dense as obsidian, Bar. I had to do a bit of Wiki-research to fully appreciate it.

This stress-heavy phrase:

a rust brow sows dandruff
is a real mouthful, particularly the eye-rhyming 'brow sow' which tripped me up at first.

And this phrase is quite archaic, quite biblical (which, of course, is fitting in context):

men, inured to wrath, ever harden -

But I'm not sure the chatty, conversational title works in this context. It seems to go against the heavier tone of the rest of the poem. But overall, it's an effectively written piece.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Prince and B/V for your comments. Prince, I'm glad you found sth deserving in it.

B/V, (biblical? because of "wrath?) - how does it read if I go back to my previous idea re this poem's title and
start (plus a bit of revision inside):

Dies Irae

rips the sky’s fabric
and a red brow arcs
over failing times, but
men, inured to wrath, ever harden -
terra cotta soldiers, staid.
And remiss of signs.

less chatty and easier to chew or still not enough???

[deryk]

This made me think of Bosch's paintings for some reason. It's the super-concentrated symbols, I suppose, and that saturnine feeling of humanity being perpetually lost. It's literally too well done for me to fully appreciate.

[MorpheusSandman]

BV nailed the remarkable density of the piece, and I can't think of a more appropriate (perhaps ironically appropriate) ending line than "remiss of signs" because this piece deftly shows how enormously expressive carefully chosen words and symbols in provocative combinations can be. There's something apocalyptic about it, which is all the more amazing given its brevity.

[Bar22do]

deryk, as I write in English, I often feel I'm walking through a minefield and, frightened, take shortcuts to avoid deadly faux pas... and the "bad news" is there is another saturnine verse on the way, so perhaps it'd be better if you avoided my threads till the gloomy "attacks" are over, however precious your words are to me, for the better and for the worse...! ;)

Morpheus, you seem to find your way through in this density, thanks for that and for your comment... my mood, these days, is definitely out of control! but I work on it!

Best of all to you both and thanks again for your reactions. Bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - thanks for the response. Yes, it's both less chatty and more readable, without losing 'density'! :) I like the opening as it certainly gives a sense of immediacy which enacts the subject well.

I said 'biblical' because of the subject matter, and because of the tone of that line, which has a grand, rhetorical quality to it, which reminded me of the cadence and syntactical structures one finds in the King James Bible; the narrator is proclaiming on the fate of man here. So it is archaic, but given the subject and the overall tone of the poem, works effectively.

I should have mentioned before that I think 'dandruff' is wrong, and I'm surprised no-one else has picked up on that. It's a bit too comical and is out of place here. I'd also look again at 'quilt'.

I think the strength of the 'terra cotta soldiers' metaphor deserves to be built up to, so I think is worth pursuing. But the other images have to fit in with that and make the final image seem inevitable somehow (easier said than done, though of course). Hope that helps. b|v

[Bar22do]

Hey B/V,

Thanks for your exactness. Both points, "quilt" and "dandruff" were brought to my attention by a friend. "Dandruff" meant to indicate the decay, "quilt" because I've been impressed by a literally patched sky, looking just like a comforter (which was torn open in my "apocalyptic" moment)! But obviously it doesn't work, so I'll have another thought about it and will post a revision soon. I felt the strength of the soldiers' metaphor and confess to have been aware of the relative weakness of the rest in comparison... Let's see how/if I know to mend it all...
But as I wrote in my reply to deryk, I'm afraid my present wave is a gloomy one, hope you'll bear with me...

Thanks for your explanations, they're always enlightening, not only useful.

Best of all to you, Bar

[AuntShecky]

Sorry I'm a little late with this.
"Dandruff" is ingenious. Bits of rust "flake off" and fly fromthe source just like the dermatological kind needing treatment.

"Innured" -good as well, as men whose entire lifes have been spent in violence and war stop thinking about it. Belligerence is habit forming!

"Remiss" is the word that had me scratching my head. As a part of speech it's an adjective, right? as in "I have been remiss in not reading your works in a timely manner."

I'll check back on this poem and give it a closer reading tomorrow.

[Bar22do]

Thank you, faithful Auntie. I'm glad "dandruff" had meaning for you (as it did for me), but it doesn't seem to be the right word after all, it may really be a bit out of place... and, ah, how to be up to B/V's noble, high standards... and what to make of "remiss" that had you scratching your head, on the other hand... thus I still work on my Dies Irae (actually a part of a whole building Petit Requiem), though it doesn't come easily, I'm afraid.

Be well Auntie and thanks again. Bar

[Bar22do]

Here is another piece (after Dies Irae) for my Petit Requiem, yet to be completed (and revised, of course, so your thoughts are welcome)

Libera Me

Dawn reduced the sky to pulp. Thin day
staggered on its sore heap from one hour to the next,
to a granite crag at the world’s end -
and only sparks from its cataractous eye.

We sailed far and wide on the bridge of now,
swayed confused as we felt
the heaving breast of the earth -
like domed shells of excited turtles
beneath the earth’s crust.

Our terrified eyes bored for help
into stars’ delusive skirts,
or such they reflected

in our spirits, who, aeons of time later, or before,
grasped there were no more, there have never been,
days, dawns, us, eyes or end;
merely made up memories, fast erased,
a white dwarf's eyelashes’ fluttering.

[MorpheusSandman]

I really liked Libera Me, Bar, and I can definitely see both pieces being apart of a larger piece that will be more than the sum of its parts. My only criticism is that I'm not sure the two "short" stanzas (line 4 & 10/11) really need or deserve to be off on their own. Both simply seem like a continuation of the thoughts before them and not especially significant by themselves. But I do love the mystical, dreamlike tone. Part of it does remind me of Neil Gaiman's Sandman... maybe it's the "At World's End", which was the title of Sandman Vol. 8.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Morpheus, for reading and commenting my second piece (Libera Me). I think your remark is pertinent, I reunited the lines. Hope it looks and reads better now...
Best to you, thanks for your appreciation.

Bar