Hello

[forze]

hello fellow compatriots of the universe. iv lately been overwhelmed by an infatuation for language. so far iv vented this ever intensifying obsession through unhealthily excessive amounts of reading, but my lecherous craving still grows in influence and today impelled me to write a first modest attept at a poem. i am really quite new to literature and so should (i think) be forgiven for my ignorance (unless i am ignorant beyond reason but i dont think i am though i spose its possible, but im tired and cant tell) just hopin for som critique for my poem so i know if im doin anythin wrong or ect and i know poetry like most literature tends to vary in objective valuation, but what are som pitfalls? how to make it better? were have i gone wrong? are there any other poems which are similar to mine i can learn from? what are the main problems with it? anyway i wont ramble. this is my introduction to the forum and let me thank in advance anyone who might like to impart some advice on the subject. Thank you! any way, heres my first poem:hurray:

To sully hopes which warm my path
And shade the light in which I bath
Beneath the leaves of lofty trees
Who’s looming virtue sacred seems
My humble grip will grasp their vines
Alive with thirst for meaning climb
But soon earth’s cries convince me down
Pleas for debate with feet on ground
But seeking promised truths above
Will not descend for lust or love
For solace lies not in learned truth
But in the act of truths pursuit

With care my clumsy hands now wield
The weapons of our world of words
In search of truth troops track the field
But yield some concepts quite absurd
For youthful minds in aimless travel
Settle now in nameless lands
With unseen secrets to unravel
Though her gravel trod to sands
The lustrous shine of future glory
Gilds the moment from afar
In its light he writes a story
Of his journey on its path

[JamesC]

Well the imagery is fantastic you have that spot on, majestic in manificence to be correct.

The first line I loved :

"To sully hopes which warm my path"

It's great for your first attempt, but the best way to get better is read more poetry and learn the many poetic devices.

Unfortunately the poem contains no grammar, so there are no natural rest spots for the reader to think. Ingrave the grammar in your work and it will grow with strength. Grammar is a great tool to play with and can make all the difference in poetry.

Another confusion I get is it feels to me as two poems. The inital stanza can sit on its own, and so can the second.

[forze]

Thanks james, that was a lovely response and im encouraged by it. only with the grammer (so christ help me this queery is idiotic! but a puzzle needs a solution. ask damn you!) my only uncertanty is what you mean by 'grammer'. i looked the term up in my dictionary which defines it as 'the strudy of the way sentences are construted" but then how could you use grammar to incorporate into poetry a natural rest spot so the reader can relax momentartily his faculties and avoid decsending into poetry induced insanity? if your offline now then hopefully youl come to this page 1 more time just to hear my final THANks! much obliged bro :D

edit. i think i get what you mean now about grammar, and also. ps: it actually was two poems

[JamesC]

Slept

[PrinceMyshkin]

An embarrassed confession first: I did not read the whole of your preface. Somewhat like the poem to come, it was something of a bruiser...

The most admirable thing about the poem (or poems) is the crazy enthusiasm in them. Now, having said that, I want to advise you to step back a bit, breathe now and then as you are writing - and bear in mind that we, your readers, will want to breathe, too; so see if you can plan on allowing some rest stops or changes of pace. These poems need more air.

[everyadventure]

I think what's needed, essentially, is punctuation. The reader is forced to try to speak the poem in a single breath. Play around with some commas, semi-colons, see what feels right. It will cause the reader to pause, and give us a chance to THINK about what you're saying.

Keep writing, my friend!

[forze]

thanks again for this excellent critique! my major error seems the lac of pace and structur left in the absence of grammar. i did actuallly impelment a few commas here and there initially but in my uncertanty remvoed them. dont worry prince Myshkin of canada, the sentiments which abounded in the preface were only ones of illiteracy and inanity and you probably spared yoursefl dedgradation in avoiding them. and everyadventure i tell yee now il empty a thousad pens yet and ( at least i hope coz you know how sometimes a passion can disapear for something with no percvievable reason for its departure) love this language then no les than now (but then expression through language is unlike moast hobbies) but anyway. thanks again, the more critique the better for improvement and you al briliant beacons of wisdom. merci my cmpadres

[Delta40]

I agree with everyone else. I felt I was holding my breath while I was spun through this (although, in essence that is a compliment!) I would prefer a rest stop here and there since as I get older, I need to stop more often (heh heh!)