You Stole The Sun

[PickEm'Up]

White hot anger,
A love lost,
No sense of direction

Cupid that Bastard,
Forever striking the innocent with his arrows,
Never does he stay longer that a few months

Infected with the poison that is LOVE,
So addictive, so controlling

Down comes the young boy,
Depressed,
Down comes the young boy,
No more obsessed

Sobered up and gagging for more,
One more arrow, one more rush,
But that bastard never returns,
No he never returns

**** Love and the horse it rode in on,
One year, two year, three year, four
A waiting game,
But never does it return,
Never does that feeling stay

[deryk]

The rhymes come off as either too childish or too much of a put on. I'd hate (to be the first) to say it, but I think some of your cupid references are a bit cliche, even after you've given them cynical treatment. I thought the last stanza was by far the best, because it was free from the valentine cliches and forced rhymes. If you could tear down words like "infected" and "poison" and recreate that emotion with something less tangible to greeting cards (albeit cynical greeting cards), I think you'd have a much stronger poem. Best wishes.

[PickEm'Up]

Hey deryk, thanks for taking the time to reply. I get what your saying, will take it on board. As you can probably tell I'm new to writing poetry (:

[deryk]

Hey deryk, thanks for taking the time to reply. I get what your saying, will take it on board. As you can probably tell I'm new to writing poetry (:

Very much understood. I could tell this was a serious attempt, nonetheless. We all start somewhere. Best of luck to you.