can't stand my love

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

hi, i hope i made a progress...

"Can't Stand my Love"

I told the sea, "I love you dear"
It steamed from shyness, and vanished from my heat

I told the mountain, "I love you dear"
It kneeled from my awe, and crumbled apart

I told the cloud, "I love you dear"
It cried defeated before my affect

I told History, "I love you dear"
It got obvilion in the pages and forgot

I told Future, "I love you dear"
It stopped and moved backward to halt

I told the science, "I love you dear"
It sought the word in theories, but untaught

I told my dream, "I love you dear"
It waked in dread to hear in prompt

I told the Love, "I love you dear"
Confused, it changed the passion with hate

So honey, beware from passion of my soul
and live in words and meanings of "My Love"

[Lumiere]

I absolutely love that first couplet! I think, in fact, the effect might be stronger if it was just the first and last couplets. "steamed from shyness" --- I like that a lot.

[Delta40]

I know English is not your first language but alot of effort has gone into this. Apart from a several grammatical errors, the poem resounds well, however, I'm inclined to think like Lumiere that you could shear it down to several or maybe four couplets to allow the readers interest to hold and to put more weight in the few words you pen.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

thanx lumiere, and of course, its very encouraging when a part of the poem interested a reader like u..thank u

thank u delta for the advice, and I have been applying many of urs in my writing. thank u