Sunset Requiem

[Hawkman]

Revised, See #5 below.

[Delta40]

I love your poetry Hawk. I have to say that passage wind holding its breath is rather open to interpretation here! I guess in the stillness of night, one could let rip just to see if there will be ripples on the lake...

greatest respect for you always Hawk

[Hawkman]

Oh, Delta! You must be up a gum tree! All those eucalyptus leaves troubling your tummy? Surely no one could hear it above the sound of cookaburras and parakeets? :D Cheers! H

[Delta40]

sorry, its early here and I'm feeling the humour of the day!

[Hawkman]

Hey Delta, don't mind me, I like a joke! But the poem needed a tweak. See revision below:

Sunset Requiem
(Revision)

As if responding to the song of dying swans
evening stains the sky with rage.
Unmarred the moment of reflected glory;
the passage wind holds its breath,
not a ripple warps the surface of the lake.
And though a fallen angel witnesses
the end of day, in time,
his recollection too, will fade.

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's a terrific blast of a poem - almost too much of a blast for me! After the vigour of those opening two lines I held steady for time and space enough to come back down to earth but in what seemed to be no time at all I was at a supremely calm, detached reflection - but what had given the speaker the breath for such calm? It's an extraordinary poem - or an extraordinary 4/10ths of a poem...

[Hawkman]

Thanks Prince. You're right, it needs at least another 4 lines. I'll continue to work on it.

Live and be well - H

Edit: Revision 3.

Sunset Requiem

Evening stains the sky with rage,
as if responding to the song of dying swans.
Burning cobalt promises an end to mornings
with the mad gleam of a giant’s eye.
The world accepts its fate,
prepares to lie upon the bedrock
of the night.
From shore, this last moment
of reflected glory is unmarred;
the passage wind holds its breath,
not a ripple warps the surface of the lake
and though a fallen angel witnesses
the end of day, in time
his recollection too, will fade.

[AuntShecky]

I missed the original version, and read the first revision, which I prefer to the second revision, despite its great image of the "gleam in the giant's eye."

This is nice and concise with imagery that the reader can actually see with her mind's eye. The central conceit, likening a sunset (the end of a specific day) to death (death in general, death specifically to the narrator, etc.) isn't new, of course. The precedent that comes to mind is Thomas Grey's "Elegy in a Country Churchyard," but there are hundreds of others. That is not to say that you haven't handled a common topic effectively, "Old wine in new bottles," so to speak.

For instance, the most effective line is the one in which the sky is "stained with rage." Why "rage," though? It opens up whole new horizons(no pun intended) of speculation.

[Hawkman]

Hi Auntie,

And thanks for reading and commenting. The original draft referred to the sky being stained with blood. It was pointed out by a friend that this was a bit of cliche and I agreed it was. I wanted to say rage but I had written myself into a corner by saying; "As if outraged by the song of dying swans" in the first line. I wanted rage because of its connotations with red. Also the fallen angel originally witnessed "the end of days." But the last three lines were badly constructed, with inappropriate clause/subject placement which confused meaning, even though superficially it sounded good. :D

I agreed with Prince's comment about there being insufficient reason to go from the rage to calm acceptance so abruptly. Revising gave me a chance to blow the cobwebs some figurative allusions - lol. Either way, I'm glad you liked one of the versions!

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

For all the striking imagery, I found this one all a bit too archaic, I'm afraid, Hawk.

From the oddly inverted opening sentence (why the subordinate clause first?) to phrases like:

celestial fire,
heaven’s portent,
it just seems a bit too artificially 'poetic'; but as Aunty pointed out, it's a difficult subject to tackle in an original manner. It did put me in mind of one of Turner's paintings, though, so it was certainly evocative.

[Bar22do]

Interesting. I preferred the first, concise revision of your poem, its strength is in words' economy.
I tend to agree with B/V regarding the first two lines.
Altogether a vivid image with, as one reads, some apocalyptic impressions.
Thanks for sharing this, Hawk,
Best regards to you,
Bar

[Hawkman]

Thank you b/v & Bar. You were both right about the opening sentence which I have altered. I have also trimmed out some excess phrases in the new revision.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's hard (or I find it so) to view a revision as if one were encountering the poem for the first time, which was the case for me with the first revision you posted (message #5), so the subsequent revision, while it provided more time between the explosive opening and the calm conclusion, just did not work as well. Everything you'd added stuck out for me as added stuff, filler.

[DieterM]

Well, Hawk, I prefer your first revision (#5), too, for the same reason bar pointed out: its conciseness. It paints such a vivid picture in so few words that I had the imprssion of being there, seeing and feeling the things you described. I didn't find the style neither too archaic (sorry, b/v, I guess it's a question of personal taste) nor too superficially poetic but simply poetic full stop. The "evening's rage" is something I must have been thinking of myself (without ever being able to put it in words) when witnessing a sunset because it struck me immediately as the best, short description I've read for a long time; the contrast with the calm acceptance of the rest of the poem was what I liked most (I almost felt two emotions "fighting" inside me, a dull rage and the struggle to accept calmly that which awaits us all…)

[Hawkman]

Thank you both, Dieter & Prince. It just goes to show I should trust my instincts and write my own poems, rather than be unduly influenced by constructive comments! lol.

I like the first revision best too, although the punctuation in the last four lines should match that in the last revsion :D

Glad you found it so evocative and affecting, Dieter. Live long and prosper - H

[Bar22do]

There must have been some spell in your Requiem, for it echoed within me thus (and I thought I might share it with you):

Dies Irae

tore open the flesh of skies;
Zephyr, sunk in a last lake,
did not make it back to Thrace.

Grim wings of an angel slapped
upon the fume of times, whose
maze lost well men and their wrath.



Best, from Bar

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, It's always nice to know that one has inspired someone else, though I'm not sure I would have wished to be the cause of quite such an apocolyptic vision!

Dies Irea is a good title though. However, The latin title leading directly into the first stanza doesn't work for me, and "flesh of skies" reads oddly to my ear in context. I'm not quite sure of the relevence of the reference to the west wind being sunk in a lake either.

Perhaps better as:

God's wrath rends the sky's thin flesh
and Zephyr, dying on a lake,
does not make it back to Thrace.

"Grim wings of an angel slapped" is peculiar syntax. better to say,

"An angel's grim wings slapped"

"the fume of times" is an interesting image but would probably be better as time (singular). Fume used in this way has a slightly archaic ring to it and could mean either smoke, poisnoned air or anger.

The sense of the last line is also confusing. Does it mean the men were perfectly lost, taking their wrath with them, or were healthy men lost with their wrath? I think you might try writing this one in present tense as it would give you more options with the imagery.

The idea behind the poem is good but it could do with a little work. Thanks for sharing. H