Dyptych

[Bar22do]

DIPTYCH

In Herzelia
for Raaya

She trudges, crunching shells at sunset,
pressing memories into wet ground.
The wind lashes as she turns
to where he no longer treads.
The beach throbs with youthful shouts,
gulls retreat, lovers sing by fires,
yet always, as if over her, a wave
bears the breath of his last words,
pouring salt into the night.


In Yaffo

Darkness nibbles at the roof crests,
our ballad crashes into the city stir

and your features vanish on the quay
where cranes glare against the murk.
I circle reflex cul-de-sacs
to the reflection of your footfalls
and when the morning breaks
a wreck surfaces by the dock
out of a faint coral cloud.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Without meaning to denigrate any of your earlier poems, it seems to me that these two (exactly equal in length: is that significant?) manifest two, possibly related qualities: 1) an easiness, a lack of insistence; and 2) greater confidence.

I enjoyed them both, through several readings.

[firefangled]

The sounds are wonderful in these and done with great subtlety. As the title suggests the two poems have a relationship to each other. I think you demonstrate this beyond the umberella title with the references to waves and crashing.


yet always, as if over her, a wave
bears the breath of his last words,



Darkness nibbles at the roof crests,
our ballad crashes into the city stir

and your features vanish on the quay


I love the ending line of the first poem, as if nightfall is a wound to N...


pouring salt into the night

and the ending of the second with a ship wreck image at sunrise.


a wreck surfaces by the dock
out of a faint coral cloud.


Great poems, Bar.

[blank|verse]

Wonderful, Bar. I'm in agreement with a lot of what has been said by Prince and fire about the general quality of this two-parter.

My geography isn't good enough to understand if there is any significance to the two places chosen, in which the third-person and first-person parts take place. (In terms of content, I was reminded of one of fire's recent poems, also set on a beach; and Hawk's... I feel like I'm missing out!) But maybe this narrative shift emphasizes how (if the same person) the narrator in the second stanza can only be herself with this other person. The ending is nicely ambiguous: are they the reflection of his (?) real or imagined 'footfalls'?

There's a lot happening acoustically in the opening line, which is packed with affricates ('dge', 'ch') and sibilants ('sh'). (I'm reminded of the slow opening line of Wilfred Owen's 'Dulce et Decorum Est'.) Together with the intransitive verb 'trudges', and a subordinate clause so early in the sentence, it makes for a real slog, which seems fitting here.

The poem itself is packed with active verbs, everything has a purpose. I felt this goes against the general tone of the poem, which is more thoughtful and reflective. And syntactically, perhaps this style is a bit over-done as it does become repetitive.

It's quite noticeable the extent to which there is so little that is internalized, particularly in the first part. The reader might expect more would be revealed about the thoughts of the character / narrator. The poem works therefore, by utilizing objective correlatives, and pathetic fallacy. I particularly liked the beach 'throbbing' and the cranes 'glaring'; but wasn't so sure about the 'nibbling' darkness.

But this externalising creates an impression that the world is being interpreted through the lens of this relationship. Everywhere she looks, she is reminded of this other person.

The last three lines in each stanza are superb. (The latter of which reminds me a lot of Robin Robertson, for content and its being packed with guttural k-sounds.) Personally, I think the last two images of each part work best because they are given more time and space to breathe.

I thought there were some weaker moments: the 'pressing memories' in line 2 is put to shame by the 'wave' metaphor at the end. And I wasn't sure about 'reflex', it's a bit mathematical; I see why you've chosen the word, to enact the 'reflection', so there's a defence for keeping it on those grounds.

But overall, an excellent poem, Bar. b|v :)

[AuntShecky]

Once again, one of Bar's poems requires me to use the "Google" machine, in this case, the place names.

I won't take up bandwidth reiterating the praise found in the previous replies.
"Reflex" caught me short, in that it's unusual to see it used as an adjective, but I can see how you included to play off "reflection."

[Bar22do]

Thanks so much for your supportive words Prince, Fire, B/V and Auntie!
Prince, you made me aware of the two parts' equal length (I only felt a kind of balance between them), so if this has any meaning, it's unintended. Glad you liked the poem!
Fire, I'm happy you noticed the sounds and picked up "waves" and "crashing" as a link between the two.
B/V, your accurate analysis is as always impressive! I can only say thank you (or hen, hen :) ) for having seen where my intention, effort (if not a struggle! you know - English) and occasionally achievement, were (btw, in my first draft I had, instead of "pressing memories into the ground", "crushing memories into the ground" but thought it was one sibilant too many...)
There exists a dainty telepathy among us, as I often notice, after all we're a community here. I wrote Diptych before I read Hawk and Fire; reading their poems I admired their craft as I thought to myself how connected we were at times. Now I have to check whether I've commented on their poems already or not yet (was away for some time).
Auntie, you're dear to have liked my two brief moments of realisation of loss. I must confess that I was so pleased to have written the line "I circle reflex cul-de-sacs", ALSO because it enacted the later "reflection".

Thank you all again and again, I learn such a great deal from your reactions!

Warm regards,

Bar

[Haunted]

Bar every line is so beautiful, these scenes and imageries are unforgettable:


a wave
bears the breath of his last words,
pouring salt into the night.


I circle reflex cul-de-sacs
to the reflection of your footfalls

The exotic names made them extra special!

[Bar22do]

Thanks for your appreciation Haunted.
Warm regards, from Bar

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, Two exquisitely complimentary pieces beautifully penned. a pleasure to read.

Live and be well, H

[Bar22do]

Thank you very much, Hawk. I'm glad you liked my poem.
Warm regards,
Bar