My vow

[Deriath]

Hello everyone, I hope to grab your attention for a moment and request your opinions on this subject. I would first off like to happily gloat on the fact that I will soon be married to the most magnificent woman in this known universe. second I would like to express my concern on the current issue of our wedding vows. I want it to be as original and genuine as possible and I've been working on it for weeks. the LNF has never let me down before, I ask for your opinions and suggestions once more.

My vow

I sit In a windowless, stone, vapid room that produces thoughts of winter’s squall.
This place is deferred to an absolute zero state; everything is in an inertia.
This place can be deemed colorless and void of life
A place so cold and frigid that time itself stays frozen in neutrality and compromises.
But as I see you walk through the corridor of potential, the heat of desired conflict begins to rise,
And the potential precipitously transforms into an extreme kinetic energy.

The room which usually is aloof to all actions
Reacts to you with a heavy friction like an opposing force.
The constant abrasion creates a magnificent clash of emotions.

Logic gives me fancies of the temperature’s sudden ascent.
It could be a wild fire out of control,
or maybe a bomb of the latest nuclear technology,
Or possibly that the sun is near it’s time of a super nova?

But I realize that the small star is not the reason I burn,
The time of dry grass and extreme heat are not the case,
And no weapon of mass destruction has been detonated.

But I cannot stand but feel that this room is engulfed in a deep conflagration.
I say this, but the room itself stays in place as the firestorm dances on the stone walls unaffected by its usual destructive course

They only inflict their passion onto me.
But it is not painful nor damaging,
It is a thrilling rapture of a hopelessly ludicrous vision coming to life!

I see you slowly proceed towards me with the mystical fire left in the place of your footsteps.

Like a phantasm, your movements are a feather floating above the warmth
And Like a fantasy, as our eyes lock, I become enveloped in their infinite wonder.
Like a dream, I am lifted from the weights of despair simply by your presence alone.

As the space closes between us, I feel my five senses jump to extremities so high I fear their destruction.

A single touch is all it takes for the sensation of heaven to reach my soul.
A single sound of your voice is sweeter than any song a bird could sing.
The slightest hint of your sent is all that is necessary for my mind to be poisoned.

My guiding phoenix is here to show me the way now,
As the stars align to the path of a double edged sword, I leave this cold room of logic and reality.
I will take my chances and grip the blue rose tight to its symbol of an unknown future.

The pain of the thorns piercing my hand leaves me in a euphoria that I am alive.
The liquid diamonds falling from my eyes is the level of my pure elation of your existence.
And the crimson fluid dripping from my hand is what I will bleed for you forever.

I am at your mercy…love of my life.

[deryk]

I'd love to help, but my knowledge of prothelamia is rather slim and doesn't really coordinate with my existing knowledge of poetry. I understand this is extremely important to you. The only suggestion I feel comfortable making is to perhaps tone down the destructive elements like bombs and such. Ideally, this is going to be written for only one audience, your fiance. And we won't be able to reason to her expectations remotely as well as you. Best of luck.

[Cunninglinguist]

My criticism will probably be of a harsher type here.

This is more of an avow, i.e. a statement or a declaration, than an actual vow or promise; but, not having attended many weddings, I don't know if that is in fact appropriate or not.

At any rate, this piece, to me, sounds rather self-absorbed. First, you start off by talking about yourself - unfortunately this starts to suggest who really has the priority in your mind. And you continue by talking about yourself: you are the subject of many of the stanzas/paragraph and she is the object; the statements talk about how she affects you, and you imply that your love is based on how she affects you. This is not a very romantic idea, in my opinion, because it implies that you love her for what she does, not for who she is. In other words, the love is very conditional as opposed to unconditional. In short, you don't love her, but the circumstances; and, in my opinion, the whole tone of this piece sounds more like infatuation than love.

The whole piece is very angsty (I use this term loosely) as alluded to above, which is most definitely in bad taste for a wedding (supposed to be a joyous occasion) and needs prompt fixing, lest you're doing one of those goth weddings, which, if you are, disregard this comment.

Perhaps the worst, your writing impresses me as pedantic, which contaminates the message with selfishness and immaturity (edit: hillwalker puts this well below). Furthermore, it does not make for good writing. Indeed - big words are hardly the basis for "smart" writing; studies done show that people view simpler writing as smarter. Put in a nutshell, it's not about taking extraordinary words and making ordinary ideas it's about taking ordinary words and making extraordinary ideas.

On that note, "vapid" and "squall" could be replaced with more accessible, less assuming words; "deferred" is misused, or you need a different preposition. Something is deferred to a certain point in time (or space) or deferred in/at a certain state. Either way, is the room really postponed at some cold temperature, or were you trying to say something else? And "absolute zero state" comes across as more pedantry, to me. Further, things are typically not regarded as in an inertia, things have inertia. Anyway, the whole line could probably be more simply put: "it is cold, everything is still/heavy." The rationale may be that your imagery carries cold and logical connotations, but, to this reader, the only undertone it establishes is pompousness.

The next line: "can be deemed" is obscure and seems out of place; you've hitherto told us how it is, now you're telling us how it can be? This reader is unable to see any good reason for this, and thus he sees it as sloppiness.

Next: I don't see any necessity for the phrase "in neutrality and compromises" and the meaning, if any can be derived, is quite ambiguous. More or less, it looks like a prolix embellishment.

In opinion, it feels like the core metaphor is gasping for air, almost lost, under the prolix establishments, as they are, and metaphors upon metaphors, a bit cliche as they are, and similes upon similes. Not to mention, the core metaphor itself is frankly unoriginal, and I think you know this.

Anyways, I'm not going to go through the whole thing, but I definitely think that certain aspects of this are inappropriate for a normal wedding and ought to be rectified. But take my comments and suggestions as you want, they are just one reader's opinion.

[hillwalker]

A single touch is all it takes for the sensation of heaven to reach my soul.
A single sound of your voice is sweeter than any song a bird could sing.

These two lines are all you need to convey how much your intended means to you - the rest is so wordy and dreadfully pretentious that it seems as if you are celebrating your breadth of vocabulary (much of it mis-used in this context) rather than your nuptuals.

H

[Buh4Bee]

This is a beautiful declaration of your love toward your future wife. I would add a second part listing what you promise to her throughout your life. It may be helpful to read the tradition wedding vows and use that as a road map. It also may be good to get feedback from the person who is marrying you. If they give sermons on a weekly basis, than they will have the writing skills necessary to help you write vows. It is beautiful.. i can see how you are trying to convey how love has overtaken sure logic. Much luck in your up-coming wedding.

[everyadventure]

It's sweet that you wish to write your own vows! That will mean a great deal to her. However, the OVERALL tone of this is very... apocalyptic. A line or two of the gloom might have sufficed to contrast the light your love brings. But you go on, and on, and I can imagine your guests beginning to exchange glances when you begin talking about mass destruction and other horrors! A wedding is not the place for such imagery! Please, no poison, pain, or bleeding at the altar! I strongly suggest you try again for a more gentle tone.
Congratulations to the both of you!

[Deriath]

My criticism will probably be of a harsher type here.

This is more of an avow, i.e. a statement or a declaration, than an actual vow or promise; but, not having attended many weddings, I don't know if that is in fact appropriate or not.

At any rate, this piece, to me, sounds rather self-absorbed. First, you start off by talking about yourself - unfortunately this starts to suggest who really has the priority in your mind. And you continue by talking about yourself: you are the subject of many of the stanzas/paragraph and she is the object; the statements talk about how she affects you, and you imply that your love is based on how she affects you. This is not a very romantic idea, in my opinion, because it implies that you love her for what she does, not for who she is. In other words, the love is very conditional as opposed to unconditional. In short, you don't love her, but the circumstances; and, in my opinion, the whole tone of this piece sounds more like infatuation than love.

The whole piece is very angsty (I use this term loosely) as alluded to above, which is most definitely in bad taste for a wedding (supposed to be a joyous occasion) and needs prompt fixing, lest you're doing one of those goth weddings, which, if you are, disregard this comment.

Perhaps the worst, your writing impresses me as pedantic, which contaminates the message with selfishness and immaturity (edit: hillwalker puts this well below). Furthermore, it does not make for good writing. Indeed - big words are hardly the basis for "smart" writing; studies done show that people view simpler writing as smarter. Put in a nutshell, it's not about taking extraordinary words and making ordinary ideas it's about taking ordinary words and making extraordinary ideas.

On that note, "vapid" and "squall" could be replaced with more accessible, less assuming words; "deferred" is misused, or you need a different preposition. Something is deferred to a certain point in time (or space) or deferred in/at a certain state. Either way, is the room really postponed at some cold temperature, or were you trying to say something else? And "absolute zero state" comes across as more pedantry, to me. Further, things are typically not regarded as in an inertia, things have inertia. Anyway, the whole line could probably be more simply put: "it is cold, everything is still/heavy." The rationale may be that your imagery carries cold and logical connotations, but, to this reader, the only undertone it establishes is pompousness.

The next line: "can be deemed" is obscure and seems out of place; you've hitherto told us how it is, now you're telling us how it can be? This reader is unable to see any good reason for this, and thus he sees it as sloppiness.

Next: I don't see any necessity for the phrase "in neutrality and compromises" and the meaning, if any can be derived, is quite ambiguous. More or less, it looks like a prolix embellishment.

In opinion, it feels like the core metaphor is gasping for air, almost lost, under the prolix establishments, as they are, and metaphors upon metaphors, a bit cliche as they are, and similes upon similes. Not to mention, the core metaphor itself is frankly unoriginal, and I think you know this.

Anyways, I'm not going to go through the whole thing, but I definitely think that certain aspects of this are inappropriate for a normal wedding and ought to be rectified. But take my comments and suggestions as you want, they are just one reader's opinion.




thank goodness there is someone who has a pair to give me a break down like this. I agree with most of what you state with the exception of the depressing goth wedding part(that seemed like a low blow). In any case, I've been bothered by this for a while now. Just as you mentioned, I knew that it lost it's originality, but since I lack the experience to point out the exact problem, I get stuck easily, thus is reason I seek advise that gives me the facts without the sugar coating. I still have time, so I will start from scratch and consolidate what can still be useful from this.

[Buh4Bee]

Rude!

[firefangled]

I agree with Hillwalker and EA's comments.

Look at the example of vows you've seen in your life. They are short declarations of love and promise. They don't use complicated language like "deep conflagration." Complex language gets ambiguous, and ambiguity is the last thing you want to introduce into a marriage.

Since you're asking for opinions, I would cut this down to at least 1/3 this size, if not less; don't use any words with more than 10 letters (with the exceptions, perhaps, of magnificent and intelligent). I would not be too metaphorical. Be direct. A vow is a simple promise with profound implications. Compare the two lines Hillwalker cited with any of the remainder of the lines in the poem. A vow is a serious love poem. Consider these words by e e cummings.


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

****

if we love each (shyly)
other, what clouds do or Silently
Flowers resembles beauty
less than our breathing

[Jerrybaldy]

I would suggest ' I love you today and I intend to love you tomorrow but to be truely honest, as the occasion should expect, I cannot realistically say I will love you tomorrow. But screw it, let's get wed.
Jerry (here to help)