Not yet named

[Abra]

It was a warm summers eve
and the children were playing
to the old, cold, droning
sounds of a funeral song

In the vast green fields
where we used to kick around
the fog lay thick
over dry cracks in the ground

And our old town was sleeping
heavily breathing
She offered no shelter
and her roads were misleading

And though it seems tragic
today i recall
at the time I was thinking
it was not so bad after all


...Thoughts?

[PrinceMyshkin]

I like the lilt in this, although it's a bit uneven, but I'm not sure I understand the meaning of "it was not so bad after all," despite the several hints that something sad or even tragic may have taken place.

[deryk]

I thought it was great until the roads became misleading. I had trouble reconciling the last stanza with the rest of the poem.

[deryk]

More to the point, I feel there is a change the speaker undergoes between the words "tragic" and "today" that doesn't quite make it into the poem. If you were to explicate that somewhat, it would benefit my reading tremendously.

[Abra]

Thanks for the input and the tips. I might try to rewrite the last bit and post it. I just recently begun writing in English so I'm struggling a little bit with the language.

[deryk]

The first stanzas really had some presence, I thought. Best of luck to you.