Two Prose Poems

[Alexander III]

I am putting these poems in the same thread due to not wanting to start two separate threads, they are utterly independent of each other.


I

In a large and empty room. Heavy rain and gray sky are the sole daughters my window bears me. I sit deluded with delusion. All is far to fine in my life, except the one thing which I want most of all. I was once a great writer, a genius - now my imagination fails me and reality fails me. I know not through what I see, that which I see. But I see ineptitude and failure and a life of delusion. Is this reality or imagination’s mirror which I glance at in silence? Empty room - save me and this mirror. The colors of the sunset glide into the loins of the graveyard.



II


I am scared and alone and abandoned like a rabbit drowning in the sea, the endless vast sea; with the sun murdered, softly bleeding and falling from his pantheon down into the eternal abyss -the frenzied eyes of sharks the only source of light in this new darkness.

[deryk]

I am putting these poems in the same thread due to not wanting to start two separate threads, they are utterly independent of each other.


I

In a large and empty room. Heavy rain and gray sky are the sole daughters my window bears me. I sit deluded with delusion. All is far to fine in my life, except the one thing which I want most of all. I was once a great writer, a genius - now my imagination fails me and reality fails me. I know not through what I see, that which I see. But I see ineptitude and failure and a life of delusion. Is this reality or imagination’s mirror which I glance at in silence? Empty room - save me and this mirror. The colors of the sunset glide into the loins of the graveyard.



II


I am scared and alone and abandoned like a rabbit drowning in the sea, the endless vast sea; with the sun murdered, softly bleeding and falling from his pantheon down into the eternal abyss -the frenzied eyes of sharks the only source of light in this new darkness.

I. For a train of remorse, you may want to consider interspersing more lines like the last through the body. I can't decide if "deluded with delusion" is too obtuse or just a good indication of your state of mind. I really liked the last line. Personally, I would have been captivated by more "evidence" and less "postulates", if that sounds reasonable. The objects of the poem speak louder than the internal reasoning.

II. I like the sanguineness. But it feels too much like a stab.

I think they both capture particular feelings pretty well.

[Alexander III]

Thanks for the comments, but what do you mean by "sanguineness"?

[shortstoryfan]

I

In a large and empty room. Heavy rain and gray sky are the sole daughters my window bears me. I sit deluded with delusion. All is far to fine in my life, except the one thing which I want most of all. I was once a great writer, a genius - now my imagination fails me and reality fails me. I know not through what I see, that which I see. But I see ineptitude and failure and a life of delusion. Is this reality or imagination’s mirror which I glance at in silence? Empty room - save me and this mirror. The colors of the sunset glide into the loins of the graveyard.

I think the stuff that's in bold is not as strong as the rest. The second sentence is gorgeous, which is what makes the bold stuff seem so pale.

On the second one, I would get rid of the "and" between alone and abandoned.

[shortstoryfan]

Also, though this is really weird, maybe get rid of the second "sea" so that it's simply "the endless vast". I think it's more interesting.

[deryk]

Thanks for the comments, but what do you mean by "sanguineness"?

The bloodiness in the most general sense. The way you "murder" the elements really seemed to fit the bill.