Cloudchasing

[Jerrybaldy]

Chasing the edge of the cloud
across an English field
of grass and bluebells
and dandelion clocks.
With one sock
higher than the other,
my legs are ahead of my body
and the rest of me
tries to keep up.
Crossing the line
bursting into sunshine
falling on
cowpats
and molehills.

Grasping nettles
awaiting the return,
face down, still
whilst movement
creeps out from the soil.
The darkness sweeps over,
I abandon
all good
for the sweet shaded grass
in the shadow.

[Delta40]

sigh. You make me so homesick....

[hillwalker]

Wordsworth meets Kate Bush - loved this Jerry. Reminded me so much of my childhood days, especially the socks.

H

[blank|verse]

A nicely ambiguous poem, this one, Jerry, which is about more than just a kid running over a field.

Arguably, it has quite religious overtones. Certainly there's the old 'good v. evil' theme here, with the narrator eventually 'abadon[ing] | all good' for the 'sweet' dark side. It reminded me of 'Those b-stards in their mansions' by Simon Armitage which ends: 'Me, I stick to the shadows, carry a gun.'

I really liked the detail of 'one sock | higher than the other' which suggest the narrator is a child but doesn't confirm this; but I would have liked the lines to run on more, particularly in the first stanza, to reflect the motion of the narrator. With a bit of tinkering, the whole of the stanza could be one breathless sentence, possibly with no finite verb, which is always a good trick, sorry - technique, to use to get your reader reading faster, looking for the expected resolution that comes with a finite verb. Good stuff.

[deryk]

This took me back to falling down in my childhood as well, except I think I had feelings of giving up rather than any contentment. It's a childhood experience I hated, but you've done a good service to it nonetheless. Let there be sidewalks!

[Delta40]

I love your portrayal of boyness. It is like your slate is clean and that is where we all want to be at different times of our lives. It is more than sentimentality. It is relocating in middle age.

x

[everyadventure]

Oh Jerry, why must you always abandon the good somewhere in your poems? I'll take the first stanza, I adore it, and pretend you stayed right there in the cowpat. In fact I'll join you :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

There is something sublime in those last 4 lines, sublime in the expression if not in the thought.

[tailor STATELY]

Just found this poem Jerrybaldy. (Working my reading back in reverse date order to catch up on all I've missed back to 11/25 - while trying to remain current and write and contribute.)

It's definitely a peach. Enjoyed.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[MorpheusSandman]

BV already stole my suggestion of stretching out the lines more. I still feel uneasy with free verse so I rarely tend to get a good sense of where to end lines, but I do think a piece like this, especially in the first stanza, needs to breathe a bit more. It occasionally has that "snapped verse" feeling. At least, I can't find a reason why most lines end where they do. But I do very much like it, especially the descent from something very innocent and childlike to something unnervingly dark and sinister.