Deinonychus

[deryk]

Forward: I have the grave misfortune of not currently belonging to a poetry workshop or similar class/group. I have exhibited my work in such a manner in the past in the hopes of refining something worthy of small publication. Here is a poem I have been working on recently. Naturally, I am open to any and all feedback you are willing to give me. Worth revising? Not worth salvaging? Any thoughts are much appreciated.




Deinonychus

The feral child flaps his talons,

Drunk on wounds like a dancing kestrel.

He ruffles the plumage of his insufferable phylum,

An idiot’s foil of violet pistils.

With loving beaks and bloody glans, he prods his own shadow.

Cherub animals of the forest bark for his demise,

But his heels are hot lunges and gaffes!

Whooping, he leaps above bromeliads and scathing brushes

At the punishing globe in the sky!








------------------

[deryk]

Not into feathered dinosaurs? Too much obscurity? Too wordy? Just a bad poem? No reaction to reading it? I promise I don't bite! Does anyone have any thoughts? Feel free to say anything!

[hillwalker]

I had to look 'deinonychus' up to realise what this was about. At first reading I almost took it as a garbled version of Dionysius - given the slightly classic setting with cherubs in attendance.

It starts promisingly - the vivid description of its blood-lust. But then I felt it lost its way, becoming terribly wordy without giving many clues away - I'm left scratching my head over phrases such as

violet pistils - loving beaks - hot lunges and gaffes - scathing brushes

They just don't make a great deal of sense, and read quite awkwardly as if you have chosen the grotesque over the believeable. It has potential, but as it stands it's rather overblown.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Extending from what Hillwalker wrote, I too had to look up 'deinonychus' - and several other terms that you used and, possibly in a defensive mode, I came to wonder whether the point of this poem might be your pleasure in using abstruse language to the exclusion of having any other intention.

[deryk]

awkwardly as if you have chosen the grotesque over the believeable.
H

Ah! That is my intention exactly, the creature's existence is supposed to be very awkward, it is essentially a flightless bird confounded by its own evolution, BUT, how do I convey this without dragging the poem into the overblown? Simply clean up the word palette?

Thank you so much for such useful input.

[deryk]

Extending from what Hillwalker wrote, I too had to look up 'deinonychus' - and several other terms that you used and, possibly in a defensive mode, I came to wonder whether the point of this poem might be your pleasure in using abstruse language to the exclusion of having any other intention.

I didn't exactly use a dictionary or thesaurus to write this, these words can all be found in current news print,but I understand your point completely. I was banking on Deinonychus being common to the generation of kids (some time ago) that could name a couple dozen dinosaurs off the top of their head. Something I shouldn't have counted on. After rereading subsequent to your comments, I can see how there could be too much weight on particular terms. Defense was never a contention of mine. But I very much agree that it comes off as "gamey". It's an issue of my process rather than my intention.

Because the origin of the subject is scientific in nature, would a scientific excerpt benefit, or would that be wasteful to "prepare" the reader?

Either way, it's obvious that I need to revise for accessibility.

Thank you so much for your insight.

[deryk]

violet pistils - loving beaks - hot lunges and gaffes - scathing brushes


H

Clarification:

foil of violet pistils: his feathers are sexually charged because at this stage of evolution, they are only used to attract females, they are a comic foil in this sense, and a literal foil in that they unfold into such a shape

loving beaks and bloody glans: he's ****ing his own shadow out of stupidity

hot lunges and gaffes - scathing brushes: he is leaping above the hot, painful plains in a manner that looks both desperate and ridiculous, maybe a precursor to flight for his species

[deryk]

Honestly, honestly, I had no intention of this being a vocabulary skill-check. I was only trying to write exactly what I meant.

[hillwalker]

No need to be so protective of your chosen style... but I must say it's not particularly enjoyable to read out loud.

By concentrating on the specific details of his bizarre behaviour you are not doing a very good job in bringing the creature to life. You obviously know a great deal about him, but this reader was left floundering unfortunately.

H

[Delta40]

Clarification:

A foil of violet pistils:
his feathers are sexually charged
at this stage of evolution.
They are only used to attract females,
and are a comic foil in this sense.
A literal foil,
they unfold into such a shape.

loving beaks and bloody glans:
he's ****ing his own shadow out of stupidity
Hot lunges and gaffes -
scathing brushes:
he is leaping above the hot,
painful plains in a manner
that looks both desperate and ridiculous,
maybe a precursor to flight for his species

Sorry had to do that. Now that is a poem!

[deryk]

No need to be so protective of your chosen style... but I must say it's not particularly enjoyable to read out loud.

By concentrating on the specific details of his bizarre behaviour you are not doing a very good job in bringing the creature to life. You obviously know a great deal about him, but this reader was left floundering unfortunately.

H

Hahah, I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure that it was crystal that I wasn't sitting around writing out of a dictionary/encyclopedia. No, I entirely agree that it isn't very clear for someone else to understand the narrative. I'll work on those details as well as the sounds. Thank you for the good criticism.

[deryk]

Sorry had to do that. Now that is a poem!

This made me laugh twice. Once, because it seemed silly. And twice because it's nearly what needs to be done. I'm sure I'll still be laughing once I've made similar revisions. Thanks for rendering the obvious for the oblivious.

[Delta40]

Actually, if I imagine reading my suggested post with a David Attenborough voice, it's really very entertaining!

You have an amazing vocab deryk

[deryk]

Actually, if I imagine reading my suggested post with a David Attenborough voice, it's really very entertaining!

You have an amazing vocab deryk

Thank you. Your David Attenborough reading has actually catalyzed some new synaptic growth. O, what to do...

[deryk]

It might have helped to exhibit the remainder of the narrative withheld. Better or worse?







Deinonychus

The feral child eviscerates the eggs

To the final tune of his flapping talons.

He is drunk on wounds like a dancing kestrel,

And ignores the dead stares

From his silenced offspring.

Ruffling his plumage, he shirks off the grains

Of nest and fertile yolk.

His feathers are tinctured with violet pistils

As a flightless comedian in full bloom.

To his foil, they attract only females.

With confused beaks and glans he prods his own shadow,

But the cherub animals of the forest bark for his demise.

His heels spring with hot lunges and startling gaffes!

Perhaps as a precursory flight for his insufferable phylum.

Whooping, he leaps above the bromeliads and scathing brushes

Of the scouring plains

Toward a violent Sun that is punishing!




-

[firefangled]

I would follow Delta's example and be more direct in your use of language. You might try seeing this scene in your mind and write what you see plain and simple. Forget trying to write it poetically at first.

You obviously have a good vocabulary. If you thoroughly express what you see and feel in your mind about this awkward, confused and frightened, terrible creature, you will begin to see the poetry in it.

In both your versions, you have sacrificed the essence of what is going on with this bird for a stack of words.

Think of it this way: If you had never tasted honey and were looking at it in a clear jar you had not picked up or moved, what would you write?

Now, pick up the jar and tilt it, watch the honey roll back and forth. See it stick to the sides of the jar and slide back down into itself. Now pour it across the lip of the jar. Then, taste it; let it linger in your mouth. It won't let you swallow it quickly. The taste does not instantly vanish. Think about how this comes from flowers, bees make it, they dance for it. The bees are lost. Now write about it again.

[deryk]

I would follow Delta's example and be more direct in your use of language. You might try seeing this scene in your mind and write what you see plain and simple. Forget trying to write it poetically at first.

You obviously have a good vocabulary. If you thoroughly express what you see and feel in your mind about this awkward, confused and frightened, terrible creature, you will begin to see the poetry in it.

In both your versions, you have sacrificed the essence of what is going on with this bird for a stack of words.

Think of it this way: If you had never tasted honey and were looking at it in a clear jar you had not picked up or moved, what would you write?

Now, pick up the jar and tilt it, watch the honey roll back and forth. See it stick to the sides of the jar and slide back down into itself. Now pour it across the lip of the jar. Then, taste it; let it linger in your mouth. It won't let you swallow it quickly. The taste does not instantly vanish. Think about how this comes from flowers, bees make it, they dance for it. The bees are lost. Now write about it again.
Thank you for being very direct. Although I've dealt with that type of anecdote before, it's probably precisely what I needed to hear. I will attempt to redirect the ebb and flow from that vantage.

[Jerrybaldy]

I would just like to add congratulations on causing such a response
well deserved
JB