First Light

[Hawkman]

I bear witness to the morning;
there are no footprints in the sand,
no sign that I might follow in this idle hour.
The beach, washed clean and smoothed
by soothing tides, sighs a Coca-Cola breath.
Bleached, vacated shells, of limpet,
clam and crab, gleam wetly in damp sand,
like pimples on an adolescent’s face.
Here and there, ribbons of seaweed
corkscrew in the wind, and a Gannet
plunges awkwardly off shore.
The sun is not yet risen, and the sky,
luminous and grey, is serenaded
by the ululating call of gulls,
heralding the goddess of the dawn.

[Buh4Bee]

This poem is very easy to like. It asks me to remember to celebrate the fact that every day is a new one washed clean like the beach.

I thought this line captures the sights and sounds of the crashing waves on the beach:

The beach, washed clean and smoothed
by soothing tides, sighs a Coca-Cola breath.

[Haunted]

A wonderfully poetic image of the beach at daybreak—the goddess of the dawn, but at the same time down to earth like pimples on an adolescent’s face, completing the picture.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There was something to me of the essence of this poem in these lines:


a Gannet
plunges awkwardly off shore.
The sun is not yet risen,

where everything is in motion but one can feel the silent, steady glance of the observer.

[blank|verse]

If I mentally erase the clichés in the first two lines, and the last line, this is a very good poem, Hawk!

There are some evocative images throughout, heightened poetically by moments of assonance and consonance ('smoothed – soothing'; 'ululating call of gulls') which strike me as a new feature to your poetry, and a welcome one. They give the poem a Heaney-esque quality, or perhaps like Scottish poet Robin Robertson, who you might like if you're not familiar with his work; the sea often features in his poems, like 'Donegal' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do;jsessionid=5466338C2F60180E28E8413B5 CECCD3B?poemId=7616).

I wonder if just 'cola breath' would work better; as it stands I found it a bit too distracting. The use of a brand name is a very bold thing to do as it suggests nature has been commercialised and polluted – the latter supported by the 'bleaching' in the next line – which does add another dimension to the poem, but perhaps too strongly.

You might also like to consider changing the full stop after 'breath' (line 5) and making the next line run on, so that section of the poem flows in a longer expression.

Also maybe just 'luminous grey' would work as a stronger image, coupling the adjectives together in an oxymoron.

An enjoyable poem. Good stuff.

[Hawkman]

jersea, Haunted & Prince, thanks for stopping by to read and show your appreciation, highlighting your favourite images.

b/v, thank you too, especially for the link. Clichés aside, I'm glad you found the body of the poem to your taste. I did hesitate to use the brand but decided to because of the metre and the strength of the image. It was intended to convey that fizz one hears as a wave retreats. So it was either coke or Schweppes! I don't think allowing the line to flow into the next would be a good idea. It would require a clumsy link to make the syntax work. Again luminous grey, although I like the idea generally, would disrupt the metre, although I could drop the goddess reference in the last line quite happily.

Anyway, thanks, as always, for your observations and insights.

Live and be well, H

[blank|verse]

How about this (which I wouldn't say is 'clumsy'):

The beach, washed clean and smoothed
by soothing tides, sighs a Coca-Cola breath,
as bleached, vacated shells, of limpet,
clam and crab, gleam wetly in damp sand,
like pimples on an adolescent’s face.

And I'd be interested to know what metre you're using, because I read this as free verse.

(But there are more sound-echoes in this the more it's read: 'beach-bleached', 'limpet-pimples', 'tides, sighs', 'clam, crab, damp sand'...)

As for the 'coke' thing - I get the comparison you're drawing, but you need to be aware that in using Coca-Cola, you're turning the sea into something artificial, something completely unnatural, which I feel is too strong here. And if you had 'cola breath' that would tone it down a bit, at least, and match rhythmically with 'soothing tides', so I think isn't a problem. But it's up to you, of course. :) b|v

[Hawkman]

for metre - read rhythm :) Yes I see what you are suggesting, but I don't like it I'm afraid. The reason is that by making it one continuous sentence means that the last line is one too many, to my eye at least. As I read it, the natural conclusion would be to end at sand. The similie at the end then reads like an afterthought, rather than as part of the image.

To be honest I don't think that there is much difference in your argument about the artificiality of Coca-cola vs cola. I prefer the dah-di-dah-di-dah to dah-di-dah both, incidentally, charcters in Morse code :D So, despite your urgings, I think I'll let that bit stand as it is, but thanks for the chat :D

Live long and prosper - Hawk.

[Bar22do]

This:

"like pimples on an adolescent’s face."

is a great simile!

hmm... the first two lines as well as the last leave me hmmm.... (plus - Dawn doesn't need a god/goddess to happen!!! I can assure you! for I'm an expert in who/what needs them)

Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

I could not for the life of me think of the word evocative whilst reading your poem but knew I needed it. Thankfully BlV had the same thought and managed to remember the bloody word. I loved it Hawk and the coca-cola breath was genius. I have a leaning toward coastal poetry and this is one of the best.
cheers
JB

[deryk]

These are details worth getting lost in. Better than lucid.

[Hawkman]

Bar, JB & deryk, sorry for the delay in responding but I've been a bit distracted lately. The world, (complete with blemishes) is now back in focus. So, thank you all for your comments, and for liking what you liked :D

Live long and prosper - H