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siyou
03-04-2011, 07:29 AM
Some Loss of God

The night was young and I was in servitude...
Forced to labors I would repeat until the end
A servant I was to stay and nothing to institute
An eternity of oppression in this forbidden heaven

Strictly for one master, this perverse omnipotent being
he would create to watch die, forgive to let plea, destroy to watch grow
But I... I was his most beautiful creature that he would enjoy simply just seeing...
To his worshiping... I slowly deterred from the rest and it started to show

That night in Heaven I was pushed from the gates and thrown into fire
Like a witch upon the stake, I was to lay inflamed until my life lapsed
Inside stirring... Passionate hatred... Malice toward this fallen desire
In the midst a woman appeared... With a beauty of purity holding a pair of asps

"I shall deliver you from this faminous time then together we shall purge this drought
and take with us with the water of life... Suffering nevermore..."
With these words I grasp thy hand and take it all without doubt
"Cleopatra for mine, let this eternity fall inside out forevermore..."

With time we make our throngs with our power we shall purify and beautify this everlasting
On this road of tattered angel wings we traveled, proclaimed as Heaven's excrements...
We were the hand-me-down of power and supports, we climbed our ways to the all seeing
As Titans we were, as slayers, together we approached the gates and behind us laid our attempts

Together as we stopped the army, Cleopatra and I approached the gates, grasping each handle
opening the road towards victory for our troops as they poured in as water upon a leak
You could view it from atop the swarm of blackened armies melding with every angel
The chariots of each sides driving to kill, as God sat upon his throne he did but speak

"Woe be the sounds of this Angelique and these trumpets but a not so vast cry...
but alas the comfort I receive of seeing your face, this would make the evil but nothing...
To gaze upon you now, I can not claim you amongst the enemy that live and die
In my heart I laid for you a moment, another chance, to be my everything"

As Cleopatra began her walk toward God and away from me
The image burned upon my mind of this betrayal!!
"Replaced by an angel you couldn't call your own, and this is how it's to be?
Comfort and allegiance I swore to you... But now you run and leave me with none to entail

Upon the passion I have felt toward him, I lay towards you tenfold!"
As she harked my words with feeble attent
With a mere grimace I was discarded from a long lived paradise slowly growing old
To heart I keep the promises of every word, to actions I lived in the shadows of intent

Be the present or future, those who betray one betray the next,
a false prophet may never find eternal sustenance
I laid dormant with the shrill screams of anger and as Beatrix...
I had driven this nail through my left hand so that I could never forget the dissonance!

Letting the anger get the better, the hatred teaching me the better and the evil making me best
As my body forgone a dark metamorphosis, with it grew my demon wings to which I would fly
My knees had gone inverse with the madness and I became a Devil amongst the rest
This red aura I embalmed within all the sections of my lead heart and with it, all must die

Tonight Hell was set to self-destruct and with it setting ablaze the Heavens high
As I walked upon the lonely mountain way that was cold with winter I melted snow with each step
And behind me the snow filling every trace of the existence of this hatred I hid like a lie
Looking afar at the gates, the bridge had befallen, flying in the blizzard I broke through gates in one attempt

As I looked around for guards, the Heaven before me seemed only of memories frosted and snowed
Abandoned and dried, no footsteps and all that had simply been seen once had died
The sound of my snow pressed steps making way to the throne as i touched it, grasping what was owed
As I placed my wicked finger upon it, it shattered. The treasures of time's everlasting, none stood beside

Unfamiliarity, a tomb... In front laid a boulder, as I tore the wax seal upon it
the rock sturdy in the snow I stepped inside of this candle-lit coffin
There laid a bed, in it, the fair Cleopatra... Her eyes opened but unlit
Withered asps and dressed a saint, I laid my left hand upon her eyes peering through the small open

"She died in your name... Twas nothing I could do to save the damned... So I cast her
My world has never been the same without her... As you can see, there is snow in my Egypt"
Charcoal black eyes peering upon the face of God... His eyes lost of blue and faded with fear
"Des perta de Devu (Deva)..." Twas all I could say... The words falling off my frost bit lips

With a brief sigh the chieftain of angels withdrew his sword
as he took slow paces he would give me the last words he'd murmur
"Once thought paradise for Eden, but as I recall Eden faded, so has this paradise...
the multitudes I sacrificed for this seductress, it's like life became a love-like blur"

with a pointed sword towards my throat he cursed my name and with a quick thrust
he meant my diminish as I turned into vapor and appeared behind him
"In the shadows I've lived, to exact my revenge... But it seems my instincts weren't in good trust
For you surely have stolen everything I could ever want, and with it you have changed on a whim"

I can hear his breath, fast and angry of defeat, and with a quick movement I kill this creator
as he fell in the arms of his fallen maiden, I left the grave and moved the stone, never shall it stir
Looking to the skies of frost and cloud, I decided perhaps today, it was better to dream than see it fair
"The idols we gaze and feel astonished, better we never see them for who they are, and let the soul be a blur"

In due time, the idols of gold shall rust and the sun will die out in dust, and leave us without dreams but lust...

siyou
03-06-2011, 06:54 AM
<bump>

would love some output on this story ^_^

deryk
03-11-2011, 04:25 AM
Somehow reminiscent of August Strindberg, I'm still siphoning and formulating - I'll get back to you.

deryk
03-14-2011, 02:15 AM
Okay, I promised I'd come back to this. I read the final line as being the occasion of the poem, because it nearly reads like a maxim. What I did not see throughout the poem were human emotions outlasting and usurping the mythological idols and heavenly standards. From the aesthetic side, it seems as though the religious symbolism is dominating the characters rather than vice-versa. That was my biggest difficulty with the narrative. There is a disparity between the passion of the characters and deus ex machina. If lust must triumph, I feel I need to see that occur more within the body of the poem.

The form itself is acceptable. The symbols smack a little too fiercely, the repetition of certain words almost gave me welts, and made it more difficult to enjoy. You've obviously put a lot of work into this (unless you're a genius and this was a quick exercise). Given the nature of the poem, I'd say, don't seek feedback here, but from Shakespeare and Dante. Then set it to task again.