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thatcrazyguy
03-01-2011, 09:53 AM
Wow, first post. nervous.
Okay, so this was a short story I originally wrote as preperation for QCS at school, the theme was time, and many different elements based from time. I of course have handed the story in, but I actually rewrote it at home from memory. I have intentionally left the story slightly confusing, and I dearly hope some of the readers pick up some of the temes and messages I've put in, and how I've tried to tell them from this perspective!
So be kind, I like writing, but I'm not always good at it, and this was definitly an experiment for me, because I don't often write in a style like this.
If anyone actually likes it...I'd like to keep writing in this universe, eleborate on the world somewhat. Anyway, my first post here, and my first story, so I hope you guys like it. Thanks!
I have also undoubtedly made some gramatical errors, please forgive these, I will get around to fixing them!

Now, for your pleasure, I present:


The Soldier

He sat in his office, dark and unhappy. A feeling of melancholy draped over him like a thick blanket. He looked over at the wall, into the mirror and saw himself. Grey stubble, iron flecked temples and hair like steel wool. 253 years old. He shuddered and turned away, the image made him think of his own mortality. He had a good 40 years left if he was lucky. He looked at the frame on his desk. A tall, strong figure stood proudly, long black great coat draped casually over his shoulders, an officers cap perched neatly on his head. He looked at the image, and the soldier sighed. 253 years old, but only in body. His concious..his concious was over a millennia in age. Over a thousand years worth of memories locked away in his conciousness, he could feel them, he knew them. But he could not remember them, this body had no experience of them.
The soldier sighed once more as he stared at his younger self. He was going to do it again, this he knew. He sat back in his chair. He could hear pounding outside, a random soothing and far off. He closed his eyes, and breathed slowly, deeply. He could see the memory in his mind. He was only 42 years old. So very young, his whole life still far ahead of him. He was signing papers for a pretty smiling hostess. These papers would be the final documents before he could step onto that shuttle, the shuttle which would take him to a new planet, Sigma 4. To start fresh, new. The soldier sighed again and held his breath. His concious reached out and grasped his memory by the throat and pulled. There was a moment of pure stillness and quietness, and the Soldier opened his eyes.

He stood staring at the papers. He looked up at the stewardess, pretty and smiling. He knew what was coming, his mind had no memory of it all, and never will, but he could feel it, his concious remembered. Like a flood, a thousand years of memory hit him at once, he saw death and destruction, happiness and despair, the graves of innumerable women, one for every life he had. It was gone as fast as it had came. He had only 42 years of memory, and yet suddenly his felt his life had been much longer. Deep in his subconscious, he knew of all many different lives, he could feel the memories..but his mind could not. They had never happened. The papers signed and he began to walk towards the shuttle, Sigma 4 he thought. A beginning to his life, he could be anything, a builder, a carpenter, an entrepreneur. He smiled, in wonderment of what future may come, and stepped into the shuttle.

Dust trickled down from the concrete ceiling of the bunker, the thunder of shell after shell landing somewhere far up above. He sat in the chair, brooding. He was in a deep depression, as he always did when he reaches this point in his life. His brain did not know, it had no memories, but his concious remembered. This was always how it was going to be. No matter what the Soldier did, it always ended the same. He could feel it, he felt the Carpenter, he felt the Rich man, the Poor man, he could feel the Labourer, the Entrepreneur. He could not remember being them, but his concious did. He could feel it. No matter what path he chose, no matter what road his life travelled, or two what planet he had later moved, he always returned to Sigma 4, and always became the Soldier.
His brain was confused. It was trying to understand his depression, the welling anger inside him. It did not know, but it was ignorant, ignorant to his concious. It held him in his perpetual state of emotional instability, because it knew better then he did. He at first joined. After that, they always ended up finding him, he always ended up being drafted, even when he was Rich, quicker when he was Poor. But, the Soldier he is now and the Soldier he always became. He rubbed his eyes. 104 years of age, he was in the prime of his life. His mind knew this, so it told him to stand, told him to go for a walk. Maybe that will make him feel better. He decided to listen. He walked out of bunker, and into the trench. He looked around, it only made him worse. This time his depression was ground in reality. But, his mind conceded, at least here it new why he was unstable. The trench is 12 metres deep, five metres wide. Soldiers could only see over its lip by climbing the massive ramparts. There where thousands of bunkers like his littered in the walls of the trench. The war on Sigma 4 would never end, this he somehow knew. The planet was the largest found by man, all the cities of earth would cover a fraction of its surface. The surface – that was a barren wasteland. No grass, no animals, no trees. Just red sand, mixed with rain and storms. The Soldier hated it, he hated this place. It was supposed to be a new beginning. He was 104 years of age now, the war had been going on for the past 20. It would never end, this he knew, this they all knew. The war was fought between the Commonwealth of Man and the Republic of man. Dozens of planets in there control, he thought, and it was all fought here. Why? He spat. He hated thinking about it, it made him worse. Barren on the surface, priceless within. Sigma 4 was one big chunk of ore. It was littered with countless precious metals, some even undocumented by man. You could dig a metre deep hole and have enough metal to be considered rich on any other planet. Every. Square. Inch. Metal. But no one ever won, there where no victories. Even behind the front lines, even under the trenches themselves mines and refineries worked. Even as they fought enough metal was produced to equip the armies, while still turning a profit. It was the perfect stalemate, attrition was no longer a factor. He looked down the trench. Barracks' where built into the walls, and a tank column could drive down its centre. The trench systems where cities all of there own, a million soldiers lived and inhabited a mere kilometre stretch. He heard a new rumbling, close by, the smell of vile fuel, synthesised from the new metals discovered on this planet. He looked up. Ah. Another attack. Dozens of tanks spewed over the top of the trench, twice the length as the trench is wide, the iron monstrosities roared across with ease, bristling with untold guns. The Soldier sigh again, it would never work, it never does. This is the perfect stalemate.
He wandered back to his bunker, and sat down, brooding in his dark thoughts again. Why, his concious told him, did he always do it? He for once didn't know, or rather, couldn't feel it. He could not feel the very first time he had done it. His feelings rolled around to the questions they always asked at this point. Why can I do it? Where did I get this..”Ability”? Why do I keep doing it? I always end up here, always in this chair, in this war, why do I always comeback? He did not know, he couldn't feel the answers, and his mind reeled back in confusion. “Do what?” it asked. He couldn't say. He didn't know either. He slumped back in his chair, and closed his eye, lulled to sleep by the deep rumble of the tanks travelling over head and enemy artillery shaking the earth above.

He sighed, and turned in his chair. Sitting in his dark office, far from the front lines in the relative safety of one of Sigma 4's major cities. He had been relocated here, but he could still see the war as he turned and peered out the wall length window. Orange glows pulsing in the stormy night. He noticed his reflection in the glass. Grey stubble, iron temples, steel wool hair. He was old, 253 years of age. He might have another 50 left in him if he was lucky. He turned away from the image, repulsed. It scared him, filled him with a sense of his own mortality. He looked at the image on the frame of his desk. A younger him, strong and firm, standing tall in his coveralls. His time as a mechanic. Before he was drafted all those years ago. He sighed and leant back in his chair. Wondering if he could have done something different and not get noticed by one of the drafts. The Soldier felt. He could not feel the Salesman. He only hoped he remembered. Remember what? His mind was confused.
He sighed, an act he was so prone to do. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, slowing his breath. He pictured the memory, standing before the shuttle, signing the last needed document. Ah. His mind understood this.
The Soldier concious reached out, a long slender arm and wrapped its fingers around his memories neck.
It pulled, he felt pure stillness, he could hear the pure silence. He opened his eyes.

hillwalker
03-01-2011, 01:47 PM
First of all – to help readers who lack bionic eyesight you might like to enlarge the font next time you post anything. If in doubt, click ‘Go Advanced’ so you can see it previewed. You can then choose a larger font size and click on 'Save'.

Secondly – to the story. An interesting idea, someone reliving the same life throughout their extended existence regardless of how their own free will attempts to change the outcome. Fate as a perpetual conscription.

Some of the descriptions were vivid, and you managed to keep me interested. But there is rather a lot of ‘internalised dialogue’ where he keeps wondering the same thing over and over. It gets a bit repetitive – and although I understand it’s necessary for the plot perhaps that element could have been condensed.

One other thing – ‘conscious’ is an adjective so you cannot have ‘a conscious’ or ‘his conscious’. It’s either ‘his conscious mind’, ‘the conscious part of his mind’ or ‘his consciousness’ (if you are referring to the ‘aware’ part of his mind). If, however, you are alluding to that part of his mind that is self-judgemental or controls his guilt complex then it’s ‘his conscience’. Of course, you might be actually referring to 'his subconscious' but that's a whole different kettle of fish. ???

You also chop and change your tenses – past to present to past – rather randomly.

But overall a fair effort and I think if you trimmed a little of his thoughts and inserted a few more descriptive passages (allowing the reader to experience through his eyes conditions on the planet for example) it could develop into quite an interesting story.

H

Rem
03-01-2011, 01:58 PM
I agree with HW on the font size for sure - bigger is better, in this case. As well, the use of "conscious" did get a little confusing, so I'm glad that HW pointed that out.

The story has potential, at least in my opinion. Time is fertile concept ground for short story and novel writing and the notion that this man has had multiple experiences and lives (in some cases against his own will) could make for a very interesting story, especially if some of those lives started to "bleed" into one another.

Regardless of where you take it, keep writing!

MANICHAEAN
03-01-2011, 02:07 PM
This is the most fun thread that I have read since "The Fear Army" and obviously I've got a lot of catching up to do. You have a unique style and I'm at a loss on where to begin.

So lets for the sake of sanity start at the first sentence i.e "He sat in his office dark and unhappy." The way this reads is that he is "dark" and his office is "unhappy!" Am I getting it right? Is he dark skinned in a depressing environment?

Sentence 2. Fine.

Sentence 3. " He looked over at the wall, into the mirror and saw himself." Now thats really something!

Sentence 4. Fine.

Sentence 5 & 6. "253 years old." / "He shuddered and turned away, the image made him think of his own mortality." I'm not bloody surprised. So would I at 253 years old!

Sentence 7. " He had a good 40 years left if he was lucky." Hilarious. If he had 5 minutes left it would have been a miracle!

Sorry, I must stop now as I'm laughing too much. Thank you for a most enjoyable seven sentences that have made my evening here in the Middle East. I will read, but not comment further unless you insist. Please excuse my bad manners. I'm not normally like this.
Regards
M.

thatcrazyguy
03-02-2011, 03:19 AM
Thanks Hillwalker and Rem, your comments are much apreciated! I love contructive critisism, it can only make me a better writer after all!
I diddn't realise the font would be that big a problem, so I'll go back and increase its size. Suppose it'd be good if people could actually read my work!

I'll take your comments to heart hillwalker - I changed tenses? I had no idea, thats pretty poor story telling, I'll be sure to fix that. Also, sorry about the concious, I did mean his subconcious and both the morality centre of his being, I was just trying to think of a good way to try and describe what he was feeling, soul would be more accurate, as I was trying to show that his body had no memories of these past lives (because they no longer, and never did exist - but his sense of being had still lived through them)...but soul seemed a little tacky to me. I'll certainly go back and fix that up, make it either his soul or subconcious. What do you suggest?

Although, I did intend for the story to be slightly confusing - the protagonists life is confusing, and his own mind doesn't seem to understand his feelings or how he "knows" these sorts of things, I was hoping that making the story slightly confusing would help convey this on a more personal level.

I'll certainly edit it, and post a revised edition in some time. I'll also let my mind wander and pick up new scenes and create new happenings. I'm just wondering if I should continue the story of the Soldier, or create a new character, one with voice and interaction.

Also M, its Science Fiction dude. You've never read any before?

MANICHAEAN
03-02-2011, 03:39 AM
TCG
Alas no, but I'm learning fast bro.
M.

hillwalker
03-02-2011, 06:01 AM
I'll certainly go back and fix that up, make it either his soul or subconcious. What do you suggest?

I'd go for 'subconscious' - everyone knows what that is and it makes most sense.

As for changes in tense, it's an easy trap to fall into but consistency is important :

e.g. The Soldier sigh [sighed?] again, it would never work, it never does [did]. This is [was] the perfect stalemate.

Good luck

H

thatcrazyguy
03-02-2011, 09:04 AM
THanks, I apreciate your support!
"The Soldier sigh" is an error, spellign mistake, it certianly wasn't intentional! Heh, I have a few of those buggers lying around. Well, hopefully some time tomorrow i'll edit my original post with the revised copy.