Punctuation

[Hawkman]

The shot that echoed woodenly
from midnight trees
spoke openly of loneliness,
of disappointment,
and frustrated love.

An exclamation mark
at the end of a life sentence
where the scribe declared, “enough.”

But there was no one there to hear it,
only forest creatures, startled
for a moment in the night,
before returning to the business of their lives.

It was not as though the finger
that caressed the trigger
had never sought alternative expression.
It had held a pen
that poured out words on paper,
rivers no-one ever sailed,
while the heart that pumped the inky blood
hungered for response.

Eventually, perhaps,
someone will stumble on the isolated cottage,
find those notebooks filled with scrawl
and a rusty gun
beside decaying remnants
of irrelevant life.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The title has such a poignant relevance to the whole of this. It's a somewhat more literal treatment of the subject than I expect from you and in the shadow of your other poems, that enhances the air of despondency in the poem.

[Haunted]

Very effective albeit sad metaphor. I could clearly see the exclamation mark when the shot sounded and the full stop to one's life.

[Delta40]

This is one of my favourites Hawk. The shot eerily corresponds with a full-stop. A beautiful description and the exclamation mark also reminds one of a tree falling in the forest where there is no-one to hear it.

[everyadventure]

This is fantastic.

If only the poor soul knew he could post on LitNet...

[Hawkman]

Prince, Huanted Delta & ea. Thank you all for reading and commenting. Glad you all find it so affecting. Oh, and ea, he didn't have an internet connection... Hi, Ho.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Once again, Hawkman, you've capitalized on your knowledge of the poetry of the past. (T.S. Eliot would be proud.) In this particular case, you've borrowed a device from the great poets of the 17th century with the use of a conceit, an extended metaphor.

The metaphors of metaphysical poetry -- as Eliot disparagingly noted in a different essay-- consist of "disparate images yoked by violence together." The only violence in this poem is the subject matter, but "punctuation" as both an element of writing and as a metaphor for the report of gunfire are definitely disparate.You've connected them skillfully.

The subject matter is oh, so dark, though. I'm so glad--as Eliot again recommended-- that the speaker of the poem is not the poet himself.

[Hawkman]

Hi Auntie and thanks. I'm most gratified that you think this a good poem and I can assure you that you didn't miss anything by not seeing the Hawk's previous post! :D Yes, it is a little gloomy I'm afraid, but it's only a poem, not a prophesy. My sybiline verses are safely under lock and key, and, after I've long been dust, maybe folk can unearth them from their hiding place and try to retrospectively make them fit history, just like they do with Nostradamus :devil:

Live long and prosper - H

[blank|verse]

Hmm, it is an altogether bleaker poem than regular readers of the Hawk oeuvre might expect...

The conceit is imaginative and works well in what is largely an effective poem. I wasn't too keen on the double-negative construction of this sentence:

It was not as though the finger
that caressed the trigger’s crescent
had not sought alternative expression.
And, as much as I like 'trigger's crescent', perhaps 'trigger's comma' might have been more suitable here.

The whole poem reminded me of 'At Dawn' by Robin Robertson (http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2005/jun/09/at-dawn/), although his is without the tone of not being appreciated enough, perhaps self-pity, which crawls into your last stanza...

[AuntShecky]

I meant everything I said in reply #7, but I wish to add a postscript in that lines 21-22 bother me a bit, just a bit. If you have a chance and if you have nothing at all better to do, click this (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=58269) and tell me if you think I'm all wet.

[Hawkman]

Hi B/V and thanks for your reading. I agree about the crescent, It's a word too many in the line and I may well dock it. I also agree about the repeated not which I think can be sorted fairly easily. However, your identification of self pity in the final stana is a bit off. This is a poem told in second person narrative. It can hardly be self pity! :D

Cheers! H

[Hawkman]

Well Auntie, Ruskin is not an infallible source. He makes some valid observations and a few duff ones as well. Ruskin generated a following and became an accepted authority by his own lights as do many critics, but they can just as easily go out of fashion and favour as any artist. I have seen foam crawl, or at least appear to, quite a valid description in my book - lol. As for it's cruelty well, that's debatable. In my poem, I did toy with the idea of adding an extra stanza before the last, which might have smoothed the transition from observation to comment, but at the time at least, I couldn't come up with one I liked. I don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with the comment per se though. Anyway, I kind of liked the abruptness of the shift, it can be read two ways. an, "isn't it sad nobody loved him", and also to state catagorically that ultimately his personal suffering was his own doing and he was a waste of space. The reader can take it how they will...

Live long and prosper - H

[AuntShecky]

These were the lines that I questioned, Hawk:
while the heart that pumped the inky blood
hungered for response.

"Inky blood" is really apt, as it connects with the title conceit, but it's the heart's "hunger" that made me think of Ruskin. Even so, don't change the poem at all.

[Hawkman]

Hi Auntie, oops sorry about the confusion over the lines, I was probably thinking of B/V's comment when I replied. Well I used the expression you quoted above to indicate he was pouring his heart out on the pages. When people do this they generally want some comfort, so I think the conceit is justifiable.

Best, H

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the reply, Hawk. Just to clarify...

My suggestion for the 'trigger's crescent' was to replace it with the word 'comma', ie:

It was not as though the finger
that caressed the trigger's comma
had never sought alternative expression.

thereby highlighting the similarity between the shape of the trigger and the shape of the punctuation mark, and also because it fits the poem's theme, of course.

Fair point about the 'self-pity' remark, although the poem is written in the third- not second-person. I presume you've change the ending as it does read more flatly impersonal; I felt the other was trying to wring too much sympathy from the reader. Cheers, b|v

[Hawkman]

b/v, you spotted my deliberate mistake then :D I see what you are getting at vis comma, the pause before the final act, as it were, but I actually think the line reads better truncated. The only thing I changed in the ending was the definate to indefinate article before rusty. This is in fact how it was originally written but I performed a minor edit shortly after posting and changed it. I was never happy about it and I have now changed it back. As always, thanks for your insight and suggestions.

Live sand be well - H

[blank|verse]

Ok. Fairy nuff.

But I definitely think you need a new spell-checker! :)

[Hawkman]

I'm typing without my glasses and it's so cold in here I can't feel my fingers. I might be writing norse for all I know - lol

[Bar22do]

Why don't you heat up your room! You definitely :nopity: should!

I see I come after the discussion is over... to tell you that I read and loved the poem though it's so dark and, as I too first thought, somewhat self-pitying (N, not the poet). I'd definitely use B/V's suggestion to add "'s comma" to "trigger", it reads better this way and adds to the title and subject matter.
But I'd leave the rest as it is, for it's a fine poem, well crafted and revealing again your talent's new dimension!

Best as always, Bar

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, there are no spare sockets in this room and barely enough floor space to get to the desk, unfortunately. With regard to the poem, I shall ponder it a little longer and may punctuate it further. Late or early I'm always graced by a response from you.

Live and be well - H

[_Shannon_]

I really, really like it, except for the "no one there to hear it" thing...because of that "if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it" nonsense.

[Hawkman]

Hi Shannon and thanks. But you shouldn't confuse the zen question and its implications with my intent in the poem. The sound was made, and creatures were there to hear it. It's just that there were no people.

Live and be well - H

[_Shannon_]

It's just that the rest of the poem is so original, that bit for me, detracted a bit from the rest of the awesomeness!

[blank|verse]

the definate to indefinate article
Well, Bar, we definitely tried to be subtle about this... but obviously too much so. Maybe this is the reason:

I'm typing without my glasses
Hawk - write out 100 times... :)

[Bar22do]

(clearing my throat) well, you know hawks can't see very well, can they - -:willy_nilly: