So What if I'm Gay?

[Cloud Sculptor]

So what if I'm gay? I always say this whenever someone asks me if I am. The funny thing is that they're usually surprised when they ask me. I'm not your cliché, lisp talking super fabulous gay. I don't really even have a lot of gay friends. I'm just a normal guy. Who's gay. Not a big deal, right?

That's what my boyfriends always liked about me. They'd say I'm mellow. Chilled-out. Not really bothered by anything. And that's the truth. But like, shouldn't that be normal? It's not like I have a problem with myself. I knew I was gay since middle school. I also knew I liked rock music and hated the black eyeliner everyone was wearing. But I guess that’s the thing with middle school, high school, college. Everyone is desperate for an identity. Who am I? What do I like? Who do I like? Those things never bothered me. Guess I was lucky.

My boyfriends though, they all had those issues. The first one was in middle school. He was always freaked out his parents would find out he was gay, and disown him or something. I guess that would be bad. But seriously, he went overboard trying to not act gay, I couldn't help but think everyone just knew it all along. Well I did, since the first time I met him. I though, hey, that dudes queer too. Why's he so fidgety though? That was eighth grade. Next year we went to different high schools and that was the end of that. Good riddance too, he was kinda nuts.

The second one was in high school, the next year. By now I could keep a permanent five o'clock shadow by only shaving every other day. I thought it made me look cool. And older. That turned out to be a problem though. My second boyfriend looked cool too, the opposite of the first one. He had this 'f*** you' attitude I liked. Didn't take s*** from anyone. Problem was, he was older than me. In college. I was fifteen. He had a car, an apartment, and money from working part time. I was a rebellious teenager. You can see where this is going. Three months later, I get grounded for skipping two days of school, not coming home for a week, and for my parents finding out I was shacking up with a guy. Yea, that last one was pretty bad. I didn't get disowned though, but I felt pretty bad making my mom cry and all that.

The third one was when I was a freshmen in college. Yea, that’s like three or four years being single. I wasn't grounded the whole time, only for like six months. But I needed a break. Two serious boyfriends and both of them were nuts. Or made me nuts. Either way, I didn’t like it. This guy though, he was pretty cool. But not in the over the top f*** the world kinda way number two was. This guy was funny. He was also the gayest guy I dated. Had a lisp, over the top mannerisms, and all his friends were gay. Really just had a gay old time. He ended up cheating on me with them as well. Said I should join in a threesome with them, it'd be fun. You don't have to be gay to know how that made me feel. f*** him.

That was last year. Now? I go on dates here and there, but these guys are just horny bastards. Three dates and they want to f***. Some even suggest it on the first date. They tell me not to be shy. I tell them not to be pigs. One of them even asked me if I was really gay, or I was just f***ing with him. I went to the restroom, found the waiter and asked him to send a lobster to the table. I drove home without seeing him again.

Then I got lucky. See, I met this guy at a local concert. He was a little shorter than me, and real thin but with nice broad shoulders. Had his hair cut kinda long and messy, so his bangs sprayed in all directions. Said he liked it that way, cause he didn't really care what he looked like. He was cute though, in the face, and had this soft, mellow voice I really liked. We talked. I asked for his number. We texted a whole bunch. We both had school and work so we didn't go on our first real date for like two weeks. But we texted and talked almost every night. It was crazy, these feelings. I really liked him. He seemed perfect. He was real mellow, we always just talked about the bands we liked, or the stupid people we knew. We didn’t really talk about ourselves that much. We probably should have, things would have turned out a lot different if we did. But I didn't like talking about myself, and neither did he.

Things got kinda strange from here though. You see, when I met him in the concert, he was wearing this big heavy jacket cause it was cold outside, and between the darkness and the alcohol, the only thing I really got a good look at was his face. I just knew he was thin with broad shoulders. Well when we went for our date, we met up during the day, when it wasn't so cold out. He didn't wear a jacket. He wore a skirt. f***. He didn't mention anything about cross dressing. That's not my thing. But I looked into his face, so cute and friendly. Makeup? Looked like some of that black eyeliner I hate. Lip gloss? God damn, this guy really didn't come across as one of those types. I start eyeballing the exit, I don't want to get mixed up with this kind of queer again.

He sat down and started talking. I melted. That soft, mellow voice of his did me in. I stopped caring. Oh well, maybe this one will work out. Then I realized something. Like, I really f***ing realized something. Like, how the hell did I not realize this the entire time I've met this guy, from the concert, to the text messages, to him sitting down in front of me? God damn it. He's not gay. He's a girl.

Well, she's a girl. A normal girl, who doesn't care about her image. She's tall and lanky and not very feminine. She likes the same bands as me. I started laughing. She didn't understand, but smiled at me with this, let me in on the joke face. So I stopped laughing and looked into her perplexed face. She was still so cute. I stammered. She started laughing and told me I make a cute face when I'm embarrassed. Damn right I was embarrassed. I'm gay. I picked up a chick who I thought was a guy. I fell head over heels just by talking to her through text messages for a few weeks. She's so cute. She had no idea what was going on in my head right now.

Honestly, neither did I. For the first time in my life, I didn't understand my own feelings. I'm gay. But I like her. She's cute. She likes me too. But I'm gay. I'm not supposed to like girls. She put her hand on mine and smiled. I melted. She had that effect on me. Can I… can I go out with a girl? Isn't that against the rules or something? She got up to go to the bathroom. Good, I have a few minutes to figure this out. I'm gay. I just need to tell her that. I thought she was a guy. That might hurt her feelings, but what the hell else am I supposed to say? I was sulking. I was nervous. My hands were sweating.

She came back from the bathroom, with this cute smile on her face and that messy hair I swear got a little messier just to tease me. I melted, again and again. A flood a feelings came rushing into me, I couldn’t even think. I just looked at her and felt, I want to go out with her. She made a joke about an idiot sitting behind us. That did me in. She was perfect. So what if I'm gay?

[MANICHAEAN]

Witty & incisive. Loved it. Comprehensive range from camp to predatory.
The twist in the end. Which way did he swing (perhaps both ways?)
Mom was upset! What about Dad?
Thanks for making my afternoon.
Best regards.
M.

[everyadventure]

This was really well done! From the beginning, I liked the self-assurance of this piece, the matter-of-fact tone. You demystify the "other side," so to speak, by showing us situations that anybody can relate to:


You don't have to be gay to know how that made me feel.

I went to the restroom, found the waiter and asked him to send a lobster to the table. I drove home without seeing him again.

And then the unexpected twist at the end, the initial denial!


I'm gay. But I like her. She's cute. She likes me too. But I'm gay.

And then pulling it back around at the end with the line "so what if I'm gay?" Nice job on this :)

[Steven Hunley]

Thsi was thoughful, read well, and thought-provoking. Entertaining as all get-out too. Nice casual style and matter-of-factky presented. Thanks.

[DieterM]

Very well done. I liked the story and especially the way you told it. It seemed so effortless (and I know how hard it can be to achieve that goal). I'm gonna look out for other stories from you!

[Delta40]

I like the story but to be honest, I feel this could equally be interpreted as a polite way of attacking gayness. My comments may be my cynicism and/or feelings about being gay

Like your writing style. Very easy flow.

[MANICHAEAN]

I don't feel Delta that its attacking gays as such. Its a very open piece that you can interpret either way. Its neither trying to attain liberal credentials by saying "Many of my best friends are gay," nor indulging in hysterical references to sodomy. CS looks at many of the options in a clever manner, albeit humour orientated.

I would be intrigued to see you write something on the subject.

Best regards
M.

[Cloud Sculptor]

That you all for the positive responses!


I like the story but to be honest, I feel this could equally be interpreted as a polite way of attacking gayness. My comments may be my cynicism and/or feelings about being gay.

You know, I kinda realized while writing this story that it could be taken that way. The intention of this piece certainly wasn't to attack gays though. That'd be silly! :banana:

Being young is all about making an identity for yourself. Its easier to identify with an extreme view (straight, gay, rocker, rapper, ect) than simply accepting that hey, you like both. Some people can never come to terms with those kind of things.

[Disagree]

I liked your story. I'm terrible about providing feedback, though. After reading through as second time, I can see how the ending could be seen as "anti gay" (hero decides to date a nice girl) but I did not interpret it that way myself. More as if he was bemused but at the end accepting. Your style felt natural and the story flowed well.

Er, well. I should have stuck with "I liked it" and left it at that instead of rambling. hehe

[OrphanPip]

Being young is all about making an identity for yourself. Its easier to identify with an extreme view (straight, gay, rocker, rapper, ect) than simply accepting that hey, you like both. Some people can never come to terms with those kind of things.

I'm not so sure about that, as we say in the gay community, "bi is that stage you go through in high school." But facetious dismissal of bisexuals aside.

I wouldn't label the story anti-gay. Yet, I would take the narrator as someone with issues of internalized homophobia. A character insisting that they don't care about identities doesn't ring true, it sounds petulant and juvenile. It's something teenagers busy with being non-conformist say, so they have to make sure to mark out all the barriers of identities to make sure they aren't fitting the stereotype. The ending is a bit silly as well, it strains credulity that an actual bisexual would not notice bisexual attraction, as it is usually the reverse that gays struggle to discern whether they are gay or bisexual before settling on gay. And no indication until an accidental revelation?

There are bits where I get a sense of the narrative voice being a bit too feminine as well, written like a woman, not sure I can pin it down. Like I said before, the voice sounds very young, more like a young teenager than a college aged student. Particularly for a character claiming masculinity so much.

As to the overall style, conversational and fun for the most part, mostly suitable. No complaint there.

[Mutatis-Mutandis]

\
There are bits where I get a sense of the narrative voice being a bit too feminine as well, written like a woman, not sure I can pin it down. Like I said before, the voice sounds very young, more like a young teenager than a college aged student. Particularly for a character claiming masculinity so much.


I kind of have to disagree. I thought the writing seemed pretty masculine for a would-be gay person, but I also thought that was the point--i.e., this is just a normal guy that happens to be gay (or bi, whatever). Then again, thinking that a gay man would write differently than a straight man just because he's gay may be a bit prejudicial on my part.

But, I did get a bit of an anti-gay feel just be a couple lines, especially "I don't want to get mixed up with this kind of queer again." It just felt a little malicious. Of course, this is assuming the author isn't gay himself (if that would make a difference, that is). I don't really see the ending as being anti-gay just because he falls for a girl, though. It was a good internal conflict.

[OrphanPip]

I kind of have to disagree. I thought the writing seemed pretty masculine for a would-be gay person, but I also thought that was the point--i.e., this is just a normal guy that happens to be gay (or bi, whatever). Then again, thinking that a gay man would write differently than a straight man just because he's gay may be a bit prejudicial on my part.

That's just the thing how is any gay man different from a normal guy who just happens to be gay? This story seems to be making a claim for breaking down stereotypes, or the need for identities, while it bases so much on reifying the stereotypes. For a person to grate against the stereotypes of the group then the stereotypes have to be true don't they?

As to the style, most I think the voice reads as young and petulant. But there are parts, especially at the end, which are tinged with a sentimentality that we would perhaps expect of a teenage girl.



But, I did get a bit of an anti-gay feel just be a couple lines, especially "I don't want to get mixed up with this kind of queer again." It just felt a little malicious. Of course, this is assuming the author isn't gay himself (if that would make a difference, that is). I don't really see the ending as being anti-gay just because he falls for a girl, though. It was a good internal conflict.

I don't think the ending is anti-gay, it just strains credulity a bit too much.

Edit: Essentially, what this story is like is those 90s rom-coms where the homely nerd girl is made pretty and popular through a makeover, and the movie claims to be making an argument for inner beauty while it's hammering us over the head with affirmations of the same old bull****.

[bortleman]

I liked the way it ended. I thought it resonated strongly with self identification. This guy thought he had it all figured out, but it turns out there is still much more about himself he doesn't know. I think its like he has to deal with the intial reactions of his sexuality again later in after he thought he had already finished dealing with them. Its like being....double gay? lol No I don't know, but I love pieces about sould searching.

[Bluehound]

As someone who has been going through the "faze" of being bi for well over 20 years,I have talked to people about it alot, I have known a few people who consider themselves straight and yet have admitted to fancying at least one person of the same sex. So I would think it is unusual to decide you are gay and not ever fancy anyone of the opposite sex - ever.
While I like this story ( I kind of fell for the girl myself a little ) I found I needed to suspend my disbelief a bit, that you could meet someone talk to them enough to get their number, keep in contact for a couple of weeks and still not realise she was a "she" till the last minute seems odd.
Unless of course she has some gender issues and was being deliberately vague, which opens up a new avenue to the story.

[OrphanPip]

As someone who has been going through the "faze" of being bi for well over 20 years,I have talked to people about it alot, I have known a few people who consider themselves straight and yet have admitted to fancying at least one person of the same sex. So I would think it is unusual to decide you are gay and not ever fancy anyone of the opposite sex - ever.

That's not what is unusual. What is unusual and strains credulity is someone in their twenties suddenly falling puppy-love style head over heels for someone they just met of a gender they've never previously been interested in.

The story also has disturbing parallels to conversion narratives, but I don't think that was the authors intention. Rather I think the criticism should be directed at the affirmation of negative stereotypes which seems at odds with the intended message of the flexibility of identity, or the inadequacy of standard sexual identity definitions.

What we get here really is a picture of gay people who are nervous self-loathing wrecks, sex crazed lunatics, or statutory rapist (with sexy attitudes apparently). Then of course there is the narrator, who seems to have issues of projection, but I don't think that was what the author was after. And of course the narrator's gay identity is represented as flexible and insubstantial by the end. Behind the clever turn of phrase from the title, what is this story really saying?

[Cloud Sculptor]

It seems this story had a bit of controversy about it - there are a lot of interesting views you guys are saying about it. I can't help but thank you all, as these kind of in depth scrutiny of character and writer motivations and such will no doubtably improve my writing as well as my personal introspection. You all gave me a lot to think about.

And just to set the record straight, since discussion about the writer (me) seems to half of what is being discussed, this story has basis on reality - my reality. While many aspects of the story where either reversed or embellished (I never shacked up with anyone in college when I was in highschool, as awesome as that would have been), I do have this unwitting ability to mistake the gender of people for long periods of time, and then continue thinking of them as that gender even after I find out.

And I'm not a girl, Orphan, although that made me smile. I get that a lot. :willy_nilly:

[OrphanPip]

And I'm not a girl, Orphan, although that made me smile. I get that a lot. :willy_nilly:

I didn't think you were a girl, I just felt the voice sounded feminine at the end, because of the use of sentimental language. Not all male writers write in a masculine voice and not all female writers write in a feminine voice. Not that those categories really have concrete objective ways to determine. I should have kept it more specific referring specifically to the sentimentalism. That wasn't really a big issue for me though, even if I do find sentimental cliches cloying.

I think the main problem is that there is a tension with the claim that the story seems to be making for identity at the end and what the story affirms. Of course, we can lay this at the feet of the narrator, but that also creates issues of what exactly a first person oratory style like this can achieve within its stylistic limitations.