hi friends....this one is for u...."my firend"

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

hello everybody...please clarify the weak and the strong points...thanx

I need to start my dream with you
or ring the bell of night in woe

dont leave me wingless in heavens of fades
or broken under the mercy of Hades

recover the wound of loss and despair
as years, but how can I compare

accept my repentance in swarm of years
and free my heart from blame and fears

[hoope]

Nice poem Mojtaba.. I like the squence and the second lines are lovely

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

thank u hope...thank u for commenting

[PrinceMyshkin]

I sense your love of melody and rhyme but regret that you force the syntax at times to achieve the latter. When rhyme asserts itself, as it does here, it commands more than its share of attention.

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I sense your love of melody and rhyme but regret that you force the syntax at times to achieve the latter. When rhyme asserts itself, as it does here, it commands more than its share of attention.

thanx, but would u clarify more with an example from the text

[Haunted]

Sounds nice to the ear but what a shame to have sacrificed any possible meaningful context to forced rhyming.

[hillwalker]

You write in a poetical style with a degree of subtlety but some of the lines don't make much sense because you are trying to conform to regular end-rhyme :

I need to start my dream with you
or ring the bell of night in woe

dont leave me wingless in heavens of fades - what is this meant to mean?
or broken under the mercy of Hades

recover the wound of loss and despair
as years, but how can I compare - none of this line seems to fit anywhere in the poem nor make much sense

accept my repentance in swarm of years - again a clumsy expression
and free my heart from blame and fears - the addition of these two words is purely to fit the rhyme and weakens the ending.

I think you are trying too hard to sound poetic and the sense of what you are striving to say is suffering as a consequence. I would suggest you break this poem down into the parts you wanted to convey - leave out those expressions that you squeezed in to extend the rhyme or fill in a gap between the verses - and see what you're left with. Then fine-tune it slightly so it is concise and reads well.

Everybody seems to share the same feeling that you have chosen structure over sense. There's no need for rhyme and strict metre in a poem if you set about it in the right way. Read as much of the other poems on here as you can - the ones that earn high praise - and compare them with those that are felt wanting. You will see that maintaining regular rhyme and meter are rarely necessary to make a poem work.

H