Triptych

[Bar22do]

Triptych

In Dora

She had the strength of a leaf
on a late autumn tree,
held yet another day,
till she too fell where,
in Dora-Mittlebau,
strata of years lie
upon the parchment earth,
upon the dead,
beneath the leaden mornings
now forever cursed.

An Old Survivor in Tel Aviv

He sat, chewing a straw,
aimless in fiery sun.
Sweat slid down the furrows
in his face, washing off
his nearly sightless life,
long since interrupted.

On a Hill in Jerusalem

Here, in the sun,
I smile at children
who only throw stones
to follow their shadows in the air –
silver foliage absorbs
the scream of a laughing dove.


(Jerusalem, Summer 2010)

[everyadventure]

These poems made me think about the loss of youth, especially contrasted with the vibrancy of the children in the last poem. I thought the words, "his nearly sightless life,
long since interrupted" were particularly sad and stirring.

[the facade]

Wow.
I have seen that face too often in the streets of Tel Aviv. That was simply beautiful and touching.
The last poem, "On a Hill in Jerusalem", was especially profound - some eerie associations.
I'll pay that another read when I get the chance.

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar, Three exceptionally moving poems depicting visions of the, past, the present and lastly a fragile hope for the future. Beautifully articulate in their simplicity. Great observation and wonderfully perceptive work.

Live and be well, H

[hillwalker]

Three wonderful poems - but also three evocative paintings of past, present, future.

I found these lines particularly expressive

the strength of a leaf
on a late autumn tree,

showing so much in so few words.

H

[paperleaves]

Wow, bar, I must say, the middle "An Old Survivor in Tel Aviv" caught my eye amongst the other two beautiful segments to this poem...it was so evocative.

Thank you,
paper

[Bar22do]

Thanks evad, facade, hawk, hill and paper!

Yes evad, loss of youth, loss of all... both eerie and moving face of a rare one who survived, but only survived, never lived; and yes hope, though uncertain, fragile, menaced... for peace, acceptance and - a future...

Kate thanks for loving the old survivor (and nice to know you're back!)... hill I'm glad you "saw" the paintings... hawk, your perception is so sensitive, I owe your eye a lot... facade, wow you've walked on Tel Aviv's promenade...

I attempted here sth more universal, though the poem is specifically referenced.

I've just made a few tiny changes, too, hopefully for a clearer reading.

Warm regards to you all and thanks for your reading, Bar

[AuntShecky]

{I was on the LitNet today when you posted this, but was called away and had to sign off quickly. But I'm glad to see you got so many positive responses in the meantime, of relatively short duration.}

This trio of verses all connected by the same geographical and/or metaphorical setting are all worthy. Just a couple of comments or suggestions, if you don't mind:

"In Dora" :
How about inserting the word "on" after "held" in
held yet another day?
The phrase that is original and apt is "strata of years"" and in the concluding lines the sound and the look of the words "dead" and "leaden" play off each other effectively.

The only change I'd make to the middle verse is that the phrase "aimless in the firey sun" is placed where it seems to modify "straw." You could flip it 'round to:
"Aimless, in the fiery sun, he sat chewing on a straw."
Would that ruin it?

And the last of the trio is in my opinion the best -- how children seem to maintain their innocence in times of political and social turmoil: they "throw stones" not as an act of aggression but as a game.

Well done, Bar.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Dear Bar, there was almost too much to feel in encountering all three of these in the one space, the one reading. I worry whether enough people will recognize the reference to "Dora-Mittlebau," or failing that will take the trouble to look it up - but of course there's nothing you could do about that and even one syllable of explanation/historic reference might have over-burdened the poem.

They each have their distinct merits but I want particularly to praise "the scream of a laughing dove..."

[the facade]

facade, wow you've walked on Tel Aviv's promenade...

Not only have I walked on the promenades, I'll even go as far as to say that I live on one :D *or at least in a building complex near one

[yuka]

She had the strength of a leaf
on a late autumn tree,

----love this 2lines in particular.

[_Shannon_]

These are amazing! I am a better person for having read them!

[Bar22do]

Thanks so much for your kind words Auntie, Prince, facade, yuka and shannon. I'm glad you could relate to my "Triptych".
Auntie, I still consider the changes you suggested and am grateful you gave my poem your attention, though for this one, it's hard for me to decide to change anything. I kind of got "attached" to it as it's written... so it might take a bit more of thinking before I can touch it again.
For the rest, hope, as always, is with children... it's their game that had inspired the three pieces.
Prince, I'm relieved this was an acceptable message in your eyes and that you liked "the scream of the laughing dove"...
Shannon, the person who cares to become better one is already a good person... thanks a lot for your appreciation of this poem.
facade, pls send my "da'sh" to Tel Aviv and the sea...
yuka, how nice of you to like the two introductory lines.
Thank you all for your response again.
Best, Bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - this is an engrossing, discomforting but effective and well written poem.

strata of years lie
upon the parchment earth,
upon the dead,
beneath the leaden mornings
now forever cursed.
The stacking of prepositional phrases works well here to reflect the 'strata of years' described in the poem.

Each stanza has a brilliant image, including those quoted by others, and also:

who only throw stones
to follow their shadows in the air –
And this:

his nearly sightless life,
reminded me of Milton's 'Eyeless in Gaza...' line (particularly given the geographical context, I think).

But even at the end, we're denied the comfort of resolution, which is expressed technically through the ambiguity of oxymoron. Despite the sun, smiles and children playing, that potent symbol of peace, the dove is screaming - as well as laughing. A well-achieved poem, Bar.

[Haunted]

Enjoyed all three. I particularly relate to the first two.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot B/V and Haunted.
B/V, the ambiguity of oxymoron kind of imposed itself: laughing dove is a species (or family?) in doves' realm, and it screams as it lands (short strange screams, unlike their usual calls), so that nature itself gave me the idea... the symbol of peace is double, for "silver foliage" is of olive trees.

Thank you both for your appreciation.

Bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - it seems from your reply that the ambiguity was not intentional, but a 'screaming' dove isn't a particularly peaceful image. You might need to change this if you are after a different, more hopeful ending. Whether this would make it a stronger ending, I'm not sure. And what you have might be true in life, but reads differently when part of a poem. As Wallace Stevens put it: 'Things as they are | Are changed upon the blue guitar.' b|v

[Bar22do]

Hey B/V!
I must have failed to express myself properly. The ending ambiguity was fully intended! I only mentioned that the "material" to convey this ambiguity was easy to "get".

Thanks again for your diligent reading!

and best wishes, Bar

[blank|verse]

Ok, Bar - it was your use of the phrase

kind of imposed itself
that gave me the impression the image had chosen itself, rather than you having chosen it, as it were! Thanks, b|v

[Bar22do]

Ok, Bar - it was your use of the phrase

that gave me the impression the image had chosen itself, rather than you having chosen it, as it were! Thanks, b|v

Yeah I know, and am sorry for the confusion.